Levi's new butt-boosting jeans promise to give you the ultimate wedgie
Prepare yourself, ladies: The backlash against stretchy skinny jeans has begun. And these new jeans come to the fight with a special weapon — the wedgie.
Levi's just announced the latest style in its iconic jeans lineup, and it is called — I swear I'm not making this up — Wedgie Fit Jeans. Made with 100 percent cotton and heavyweight denim, with smaller, angled pockets, they're supposed to hark back to a vintage ('80s?) look. But lest you think the wedgies of your youth were accidental, the most defining feature of these jeans are the intentional rear wedgie they give.
But don't worry, this is pain with a purpose. The jeans "hug your waist and hips, showcasing your best assets," according to the promo, adding that they'll be "the cheekiest jeans in your closet."
And there do appear to be some nice upsides to nice backsides. The jeans have a high rise and tapered waistband, and as a girl with a waist that's much smaller than her hips, I have been waiting anxiously for this look to make a comeback — no more waist gaps! I also appreciate the return to heavier denim after too many seasons of wondering if my cellulite is showing through my jeans.
Still, this perma-wedgie brings up so many questions. Will you absentmindedly pick at your crack all day, always hoping to get the material out of your butt but never quite achieving that glorious satisfaction? Are they meant to be worn with a thong for wedgie-lifting double action? Couldn't you DIY this by just buying too-small pants? How do they give an effective back wedgie without also wedgifying your lady bits, too? And if so, how many women really enjoy having their labia parted like the Red Sea?
Ultimately, the only question that matters is are wedgie jeans really a thing women want? Apparently, the answer is yes. Despite selling for $88 to $158 (depending on wash) and only having been available for a week, they are almost sold out in every single color and size on the company's website. And they're getting a five-star rating among wearers, who rave about the flattering fit and, yes, comfort.
Hold me (or at least hold my butt cheeks up until I can find some appropriate denim scaffolding for them).