Time and time again, I tell myself that I’ve officially outgrown Forever 21. That it served me well in my actual 20s but that I’m a grown lady now and it’s “for the kids.” But somehow, Forever reels me back in every time, with their insanely good prices and ability to convince me that yes, I can rock that trend. Here is what runs through my 31-year-old brain on most Forever 21 shopping trips.
1. “I’m just going in to look.”
I’m not really going to find anything here. Do I really look that old though? Can the employees smell fear?
2. “Oh hot damn. This activewear is super cute.”
What if I just spent the equivalent to a monthly gym membership on a whole new fitness wardrobe? It will be so motivating and in the end, I am actually saving money.
3. “I do need a New Year’s Eve dress, and probably a Valentine’s Day dress too.”
… and a girls’ night out dress and something to wear to that bachelorette party. I can get like five dresses for the price of one elsewhere. I’ll just be sure not to gain an ounce and I’m totally stocked on dresses for the entire year! They don’t call me fiscally responsible for nothing.
4. “Into the fitting room I go.”
Must not use curtain to brace oneself while slithering into unrealistically skinny and low-rise cargo pants. The person next to me is absolutely hearing my grunting and struggling. I’m having vivid flashbacks of those Chinese finger trap things.
5. “$3 for these earrings?!”
Well, well, well! Looks like someone is getting an entire new jewelry wardrobe. A new pair for every day of the week? Why not? Sure I’ll get into ear cuffs. You’re damn right I want a midi ring and a finger chain bracelet.
6. “This bag looks super expensive.”
But this bag is not. The only person who really needs to know this information is me. Now to practice my nonchalant, “Oh gosh! I honestly don’t even remember where I got this old thing!” Laughs nervously.
7. “Is this a trend now?”
Is this what the kids are doing? Do the kids party at Studio 54? Am I old as balls?
8. “OK, sure. I’ll just put my boobs… here, and here?”
You know, I could see this being quite useful for nursing mothers. Just whip it out and do yo’ thang girl.
9. “Since when does Forever 21 have an entire beauty line, that’s like, really legit looking?”
How good could a $7 cream contour kit be, but how bad could it be either? I’m feeling risky and I’m willing to find out.
10. “You know, I’ve loved both cats and pizza my entire life.”
…but now they’re both uber trendy. Ahh, the times we live in. Wait, so, is pizza sexy now?
11. “Off to wait in a line as long as the DMV’s.”
And oh yes, I am familiar with your return policy. To be honest, I’ll be too embarrassed that I even bought half of this stuff to bring it back.