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25 Baby Products That Are More Than a Tad Strange — & a Total Waste of Money

Megan is a former divorce attorney turned SAHM to twin boys. She's written for The Stir, Scary Mommy, Rare.us, Mommyish and Bustle.

#1/26:

These products are poopy

#1/26:

These products are poopy

Another day, another dollar, another dream... and another freaking totally out there baby product. Look, we can totally appreciate a creative drive and entrepreneurial spirit — but, to us, there are just so many crazy weird products geared towards babies and new parents that should never have been put on the market.

And the worst part is that companies seem to be preying on the fact that most new parents' nesting instinct might be telling them to buy anything and everything that could possibly make this parenting gig easier. But trust us when we say nobody — nobody — needs every weird product out there.

Click through to see what we're talking about. Don't buy any of this crap! Save your money for the things that you are really going to need, like diapers, food and coffee. The caffeine will set you free.

Originally published September 2016. Updated August 2017.

#3/26:

BabyBum brush

#3/26:

BabyBum brush

You don’t need to buy a special applicator to put on diaper cream. You have 10 of these in your house already — they’re called your fingers, and they’re free.

#4/26:

Baby perfume

#4/26:

Baby perfume

Et tu Burberry? With the exception of the few minutes before and after a diaper change, the natural smell of a baby is pure magic. The person who bottles that smell would be a gazillionaire. But not 

#5/26:

Butt fan

#5/26:

Butt fan

We're all for avoiding diaper rash, but no one needs a dedicated tushy fan, not even your precious bundle of joy. Fan them with a board book if you must, or better yet, let them crawl around commando for a while.

#6/26:

Diaper Changing Glove-Saks

#6/26:

Diaper Changing Glove-Saks

In theory, these things seem great. But in practice, trying to successfully use them without letting go of the baby on the changing table would require an extra set of hands. If you have a helper, you'd just make them change the baby in the first place.

#7/26:

Baby high heels

#7/26:

Baby high heels

All baby shoes are glorified socks until your wee one is big enough to stand up, no matter how squee-worthy these teeny heels may be.

#8/26:

Baby Bangs

#8/26:

Baby Bangs

Unless you’re buying these as part of an elaborate prank to convince your brother that your infant son is actually part of a set of twins, can we just agree that they’re awful? Girls have their entire lives to be judged based on their looks. Let’s at least let them get potty trained first.

#9/26:

Bath thermometer

#9/26:

Bath thermometer

This pricey plastic turtle tells us how warm our baby’s bath water is. Our elbow or hand could do the same thing for free, but logic goes out the window when you’re a nervous new parent.

#10/26:

Peepee Teepee

#10/26:

Peepee Teepee

Have you ever seen a baby boy pee before? Let’s at least call these what they really are — pee-pee rockets.

#11/26:

WhyCry

#11/26:

WhyCry

The WhyCry claims that if you hold this console up to your wailing child, it will light up and tell you why your baby is crying. Instead, why not buy an old-school Simon to play, and distract your crying baby with those flashing lights instead.

#12/26:

Baby mop

#12/26:

Baby mop

Because your baby is never too young to start pulling their weight when it comes to the household chores?

#13/26:

Crumb cap

#13/26:

Crumb cap

One part overprotective parent, one part Little House on the Prairie cosplay.

#14/26:

Visual stimulation shirt

#14/26:

Visual stimulation shirt

Reading to your baby is one thing, but changing your wardrobe in hopes of making them smarter? That’s overboard in the extreme.

#15/26:

Poop alarm

#15/26:

Poop alarm

Poop happens, people, and when it does, you won’t need an alarm bell going off to figure it out. Your nose will do it for you.

#16/26:

Spare ribs teether

#16/26:

Spare ribs teether

It’s funny to watch a baby with not a single molar to speak of gnaw on some ribs. But the joke’s on you in about a year when they want no part of their chicken fingers at dinner and demand to share your half rack instead.

#17/26:

Baby lasso

#17/26:

Baby lasso

It’s not an actual lasso, but that might actually be less strange than this odd diaper-changing contraption. It’s far too easy to imagine the squirmy toddler who flips around a few times, leaving Mom scrambling to call 911 before she runs out of air.

#18/26:

Mesh feeder

#18/26:

Mesh feeder

The only thing scarier than the possibility of your baby choking on a grape is thinking about the mold they’re going to ingest the second time you let them use this. Because no matter how hard you scrub, there’s no way to get those tiny holes totally clean.

#19/26:

Wipe warmer

#19/26:

Wipe warmer

Unless you keep your wipes in the fridge like a weirdo, there’s no reason to warm them up before you change your baby’s diaper. They’re the same temperature as the air. But if you want to use this to warm up your makeup-removing wipes to treat yourself to a little bit of bliss at the end of a long day, well then, now you’re a genius.

#20/26:

Shower hat

#20/26:

Shower hat

Even the baby modeling this hat knows how ridiculous it is — just look at his face.

#21/26:

Thudguard

#21/26:

Thudguard

Learning to walk is not dangerous enough to require a crash helmet, promise.

#22/26:

Nap Strap

#22/26:

Nap Strap

All moms want their babies to snooze comfortably, but strapping them in place like a tiny Hannibal Lecter is never the answer.

#23/26:

Baby kneepads

#23/26:

Baby kneepads

Babies don’t need kneepads, cute as these are, or even pants. Babies come pre-equipped to handle crawling with these awesome things called kneecaps.

#24/26:

Ankle bells

#24/26:

Ankle bells

Touted as a “tracking device,” these teeny-tiny bells look like they are also the perfect size for a baby to swallow. But at least she’ll be the most fashionable infant in the ER!

#25/26:

Daddy-daughter dance shoes

#25/26:

Daddy-daughter dance shoes

Adorable, yes. But at $117, maybe stepping on dear old Dad’s toes is good enough.

#26/26:

Babykeeper

#26/26:

Babykeeper

When the kid who used to go around giving every wedgie at school grows up and becomes a dad, he invents this.

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