I’ve been taking notes on how to talk to kids in the wake of tragedy my whole life.
When I was in college, my mom survived a terrible car crash. My father, a veteran police officer skilled in delivering tragic news, greeted me with these words: "Your mother was in a car crash and the passenger in the other car died."
Note to self: Tell children good news first.
In grad school, I cheerfully opened an email from my father informing me that my beloved adopted grandmother had died. (I had never received an email that she was sick.)
Note to self: Avoid emailing funeral details until after a conversation to convey one's passing.
Since I'm already an expert on what not to do, I decided I should discuss what to do with a child psychologist at the world-renowned Mayo Clinic, Dr. Daniel Hilliker. (Although, I forgot to ask how I should warn my Dad about this article.)
The Mayo Clinic Children’s Center provides care for more than 50,000 children and teens annually. Every day, Dr. Hilliker works with children and their families who are dealing with very personal tragedy. Himself a father of two, he has an easy, exceedingly calm demeanor by phone.
Note to self: Get Dr. Hilliker on speed dial before my kids are old enough to process tragedy.
As we chat about dealing with heartbreak, horror and mayhem, his tone is so calming, I begin to think, "What am I worried about?" Then I remember he's a professional calmer-downer. He's good, I think.
His tips are general, emphasizing his point that dealing with human emotion simply isn't black and white. My biggest takeaway? Relax. Kids are resilient. And while that's not a free pass to bury your head under the couch pillows whenever your child and a tragedy cross paths, it should offer comfort.
"Just as we can't provide a perfect recipe for how any one parent should reassure a particular child, we can't predict with any kind of reliability how kids are going to respond to difficult events," Dr. Hilliker explains.
He points out a child’s immediate reactions, which may range from sadness, anger, anxiety, confusion or even curiosity to what may seem a startling lack of response, "will likely morph a number of times as kids process the events."
While those initial reactions may be unexpected, Dr. Hilliker advises that parents "err on the side of talking a little bit to kids."
The foundation of a child's ability to process, understand and cope depends first on whether she is developmentally capable and what types of experiences, if any, may color her understanding and reactions.
"Let them lead the conversation," Dr. Hilliker advises. "Rather than assuming what they know or how they feel about it, give them some open-ended lead-ins."
Consider these questions:
If you’ve determined it’s time to dive in further, "don't feel like talking with kids about it is going to necessarily scare them, or that it's bad for them to talk [or think] about [the event]," Dr. Hilliker says. "What we’ve found consistently is that if you provide honest, age-appropriate information without going into too much detail, kids seem to benefit from that and in fact feel less anxious [later], when they feel like they have a mastery of the information."
As tempting as it is to offer quick promises that your child will always be safe and never encounter evil, Dr. Hilliker calls such reassurances a definite "don’t."
"It's not good business to give guarantees," he warns, "but it's OK to give them the message that we don't have any reason to believe that this is going to happen here, and we’ve worked really hard to make sure… [something like that won’t happen]."
Dr. Hilliker's voice took on an urgent tone only once during our conversation: "Kids do not benefit [from watching excessive media coverage]," he warns, "And in fact probably are more susceptible to anxiety and vicarious trauma when they're allowed to have exposure to ongoing coverage."
If that’s not enough to get you to turn off the tube, consider his next point: "With younger kids, at times they don't understand that it's not happening again and again [as news broadcasts loop the same images repeatedly], and it can be more traumatic."
While Dr. Hilliker recommends being calm and pulled together when starting a tough conversation with your child, "it’s OK to talk about some of your own reactions," he says.
"It's a way of modeling for kids how to talk about feelings [while] validating how someone else feels, too. It's also a way of mixing in [the message] that I feel really sad or angry or horrified, and here's what I'm going to do to try to cope."
Still feel like you might blow it? "Resilience in kids is the rule, not the exception," Dr. Hilliker reassures. "You don't have to feel like your kids are going to shatter if you make one little mix-up. You can override that by continuing to communicate.
"Tell yourself this is the process… and we're going to turn the page."
Note to self: Remind Dad that I actually turned out OK, and advise that we turn the page on this little article.
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