Share this Story

Consistency: The golden rule in good discipline

Alicia DiFabio, Psy.D. is a freelance writer with a doctorate in psychology. Her work has appeared in various newspapers, magazines, psychology journals and professional sourcebooks. She lives in New Jersey with her husband and four girl...

Say what you mean and mean what you say

Whatever family rules you prioritize, values you want to instill or behaviors you wish to decrease, there is only one major rule that must be followed to see any change. That one golden rule is consistency.
Mother and daughter

Parenting with complete consistency does more than improve a child’s behavior. It also creates a sense of security, encourages responsibility, reduces anxiety by increasing predictability and allows children to be accountable for their own choices by controlling their own outcome.

The importance of consistency

Consistency is essentially having the same clear expectations for a certain behavior at all times, across all situations and between all major caregivers.

Dr. Fred Jones, psychologist and author, explains that when it comes to consistency, there are no in betweens. You are either consistent or you are not. There is no “sometimes” or “almost always.”

Although consistency is so important, it is one of the most common parenting pitfalls. That is because consistency is not easy. If it were, everyone would be a master at it! It requires dedication even on days when you feel exhausted, things are hectic, and you just want to make life easy and your child happy. What feels easier in the short run, however, often makes things more difficult in the long run.

Maintaining consistency

The key to consistency is to say what you mean and mean what you say — always, every day. Here are common problems to consistency and how to work around them.

1

Disciplining before instruction

Discipline that seems arbitrary to a child is because rules and expectations are not clearly defined, established in advance and reinforced daily.

Solution: Create a few clear family rules and the consequences for breaking them. Rules should stay the same no matter who, what, when, where or why.

2

Emotional reactions

Emotional responses that come from parental frustration or anger are by their very nature inconsistent and unpredictable.

Solution: Respond to problem behaviors with swift, emotionally-detached warnings and consequences to avoid emotions from building up and dictating your response.

3

Empty threats

Threatening too big and not delivering.

Solution: The consequences to breaking the family rules should be realistic so you can carry them through and in proportion to the transgression.

4

Busy and distracted

Letting things slide when life gets hectic and you are tired or overwhelmed.

Solution: Commit to just a few family rules that do not change depending on the day, your mood, the situation or the environment.

5

Aiming to please

Parents don’t want to be the bad guy.

Solution: Children need a parent, not a buddy. Your child will always love you even if you make them temporarily unhappy.

6

Lots of talk, little action

Too much explanation or ranting can reinforce the wrong behavior by giving it attention, albeit negative attention.

Solution: Keep feedback concise, stating only the family rule, the expectation and the consequence.

7

Overlooking the good

Focusing on the bad behavior and treating the good as an expectation with little fanfare.

Solution: Give lavish praise when a child is exhibiting positive behavior.

8

No means yes

Caving in after you have said "no."

Solution: This can easily undermine all of your hard work. If you are not sure you can hold true to your “No,” try saying “Maybe” or “We’ll see” instead. Then if you crack, at least you didn’t deflate the power of your “No.”

9

Mixed messages

Each parent says and does something different.

Solution: Make sure all caregiving adults are on board with the rules, even if it means some compromising.

More about discipline

Stranger discipline: Does it cross the line?
I can’t say “no” to him…
Stop being the good cop

Recommended for You
Comments
Hot
New in Parenting
Close

And you'll see personalized content just for you whenever you click the My Feed .

SheKnows is making some changes!