Mom story: My husband has Asperger’s syndrome

Jul 12, 2012 8:00 AM by Julie Weingarden Dubin

Posted in Parenting / Parenting Tips & Advice / Parenting Advice & Columns

How His Diagnosis Affects Our Parenting

Kristen Finch, 35, of northern Illinois, and mother of two kids ages 5 and 6, knew something was wrong with her husband, David, shortly after they got married. His strange behavior, odd social skills and quirks led to a diagnosis of Asperger’s syndrome. Learn how her husband’s diagnosis strengthened their marriage, below.

“My mom story„

by Kristen Finch
as told to Julie Weingarden Dubin

I met the future love of my life, David Finch, in preschool. We became good friends in high school and started dating after grad school when we both moved to the same suburb and lived across the street from each other.

I always thought Dave was funny and I was drawn to his quirky behavior. But after we were married in 2003, his odd behavior came between us, and things started going downhill.

I noticed how rigid he was over schedules. We’d be on our way to my family's house for a holiday meal and he’d grill me in the car about what time we were leaving, how long before the meal would start, what foods were being served, who would be there, where we would eat? He really enjoys my family so I knew it wasn't that he didn't want to go, he just really needed a schedule. He had a hard time adapting to changes in his routine.

A relationship revelation

While working as the speech pathologist in a school district, I started seeing similarities in social function between Dave and some of my students with Asperger’s syndrome, but didn't really think he would fit the diagnosis. Asperger's is a neurological disorder that’s characterized by normal cognitive functioning but impaired social functioning and restricted and repetitive interests.

A few years later, I found an Asperger’s quiz and as I read the questions, I kept thinking, "Gosh, that sounds like Dave," and "Wow! Dave does that!" I immediately gave Dave the quiz. My hunch was right and in 2008, Dave was diagnosed with Asperger’s by a psychologist.

Marriage and Asperger’s

After the diagnosis, Dave decided to take on our marriage as his special interest project. As soon as he had a "reason" for why things had been so hard, he went into problem-solving mode. Dave started writing notes as reminders to himself, such as, "take initiative" (that was taped to our bathroom mirror for months), “help her with the laundry,” and “use your words.” He felt like that’s what he needed to do, and I was happy to support him. Dave documented our journey in his book, The Journal of Best Practices (Scribner). After the book deal, Dave left his audio engineer job to become a writer and public speaker, and he writes a blog for Psychology Today.

Hey, Moms: Do you know a mother with a great story? We’re looking for Mom Stories. Email Jrosewriter@gmail.com with your suggestions.

Despite our struggles, the love was always there, and the key was we both wanted to make our marriage better. I knew all the things I could do to make things easier for him, to accommodate his needs which, in turn, would improve our marriage.

Learning that Dave has Asperger's essentially gave me a "user manual" to how he operates. I now have a better understanding of how his brain is wired, what things he may grapple with and what sorts of things he will be great at. I learned that I needed to be literal and direct, and add more structure to our family routine. The hardest thing for me is the rigidity; I happen to be very laid back, so it goes against my nature to be very fixed, but I'm learning and work hard on it every day.

Parenting together

Dave’s always been a phenomenal dad. I absolutely love watching him with the kids. Our kids are still young but they’ve noticed some of Dave’s behaviors. We just explained that Daddy's brain works a little differently.

The diagnosis gave us insight as to how we could work better as a team to parent the kids. Dave has a hard time being in the moment, because he's always thinking about the process or coming up with solutions to any potential problems. For example, if my son wants to play trains, Dave will often get stuck in the process of making the train track and my son just walks away. In those moments, I’ll remind Dave, "Get out of your world and get into his. You’re missing this moment!”

I’ve learned I just need to do what works best for my kids and my family. I hope my children learn from me that everything turns out fine in the end. I also hope they take after their dad and do what they were born to do, whatever that may be and to follow their dreams.

Mom Wisdom

It’s OK to feel sorry for yourself, but only for about a day and then pick yourself up and do something productive. Exercise — it will always make you feel better. Set aside couple time with your partner every week. It's so important to reconnect.

Comments

Comments on "Mom story: My husband has Asperger’s syndrome"

To Just Brooks; So Sorry! And not to air my dirty laundry in public but I admit to having had episodes and emotional outbursts with my Ex (one shamefully physical drunken moment where i pushed her out the door with my foot and went to jail for the night), But I NEVER beat her and have ceased Alcohol since. I immediately sought help to understand myself better, Recognizing my "Triggers" and wrote as many as i could think of down! I even would have them race across my desktop and laptop as reminders. There are more triggers to add to that list in the future. IMO That it really goes a long way for a couple to BOTH keep a list of each others pet peeves in mind always. For me or anyone subject to tantrums it's about realizing when "your blood pressure rises" then rejecting impulses to tantrums. All the while thinking your way through long enough to rationalize using "Good manners". It also sounds like there is more than an Aspie you have on your hands. The presence of criminal behavior in and of itself proves further diagnosis and regular treatment is in order.

Frustrating...Why is no one talking about the mental and physical abuse, the schizophrenic like paranoia, the manipulation, the lying, the cheating, the OCD, The disappearing for days--literally and figuratively...the emotional outbursts, the ranting, the terror of living with an Aspie husband. Don't think for ONE minute they are just "quirky" guys. That quirkiness turns into rage when the slightest thing doesn't go their way. Try being the victim of screaming, biting tantrums and be beaten black and blue a few times...then see how much you want to work on your marriage or stick by your man.

I enjoyed Kristen's story and David's book. Where can I find the quiz that was the start of David's diagnosis. I think my adult son may be an "aspie".

Julie, thanks for sharing this story. To me it's a story of love and commitment through thick and thin, which every marriage needs to last! Very inspiring!

I'd love to hear Kristen's answer to Sarah. Also, Kristen, good on you for holding out while your hubby got his act together. Not an easy task but obviously well worth it. Marriage is never easy, and when things are hard here, I remind myself it's a season like any other.

Thank you for sharing your side, Kristen. I really enjoyed your husband's book, and after much prompting, my husband enjoyed it, too. I'm curious what you and David are doing right now to work on your marriage, because I'm kind of in the same life place you are. My husband is recently diagnosed, and we have three small children. Our marriage has been marked by negativity, rigid thinking, and little to no communication for a long time, but I thought it was just a really long phase (I thought my husband was depressed). My husband is very different from David - he's not as motivated to change, he chose not to help me when our children were babies (he couldn't handle the chaos), and he chooses not to socialize (this is different from when I met him in college). I'm trying to keep a positive perspective, but my creativity is almost depleted. I'm so glad that there are people out there who can make an Aspie-NT marriage work, though.

this ladies a !

It would probably be a good idea to explain what Asperger's Syndrome actually is, and isn't. AS is NOT a 'mental illness' as another commenter stated. It's not a disease. It's a neurological condition on the autism spectrum, mainly characterised by average-to-extremely-high IQ and difficulty reading social cues. We with AS often refer to ourselves as "Aspies" or "Aspergians" and believe we are differently wired, not broken or sick. Anyway, great essay by Kristen. Too often I've seen AS-NT* couples get hung up on the whole "diagnosis" and become resentful of the AS partner's quirks rather than trying to work with them. It's wonderful that both Kristen and David are working together to make their marriage better, and that's really all that matters. Well done, guys! *NT stands for Neurotypical or non-Aspergers

It's really good that Kristen recognized her husbands symptoms and took action. Any sort of mental illness, whether big or small, can be hard to cope with. Especially in a marriage. Marriage requires so much effort even if everyone is healthy; good job to Kristen for sticking by her man!