Divorced dads: Tips for dating (or marrying) a divorced father

Mar 01, 2012 5:33 AM by Lisa Steinke

Posted in Parenting / Parenting Tips & Advice / Stepparenting

Dating (Or Marrying) A Single Dad

Imagine this scenario: you meet a great guy and feel a connection -- a definite spark. Then he tells you that not only is he divorced, but he also has kids. If this is something you consider a red flag, then stop reading now because this relationship can only thrive if you see this as an opportunity, not an obstacle. If the divorce and kids don’t dissuade you, read on for three critical tips you should consider when dating -- and even marrying -- a divorced father.

Single dad reading a book with daughter

You're dating (or marrying) the kids, too

The kids are the most important people in your relationship -- even before you've met them. A divorce is a huge change for a child, and once Dad (and Mom) start dating again, it's impossible to gauge how the child will react to the new person in his or her dad's life. Once you've decided to meet the children, realize it may take them some time to warm up to you. (Wait to meet them until you are sure the relationship is built to last.) Be prepared for the fact that you might be chopped liver for a while, and that it's not up to the kids to build the connection -- it's up to you. Help them understand that your relationship with their dad isn't going to take him away from them. If a babysitter shows up every time you show up, it's sending the wrong message. Most importantly, if you remember to always put their needs and emotional readiness first when it comes to big steps like sleepovers, (be smart about when these start) you are setting the relationship up for success.

Your relationship with the ex-wife is important

Depending on your man's relationship with his ex, she may be the last person you want to think about (hopefully he is already friends with or is on the road to becoming friends with his ex). You can't view the woman he was once married to as just his ex-wife because she is the mother of his children. Take a moment to consider that your presence is also impacting her. Any mom is bound to have insecurities about another woman coming into her children's lives. You can make the transition easier on her by following her lead. If she wants to get to know you early on, make it a priority to do so. If she'd rather take her time, that's okay too. Bottom line -- just like anything, your relationship with her will take time to build as trust is gained.

Lower your expectations (and his)

Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither was a family. It will take time to find a rhythm. Be prepared that it could be a rollercoaster ride. One day the kids seem to like you, and the next they are standoffish. One day things with the ex are going smoothly, and the next rocky. Divorce is complicated. But if you remember to manage your expectations -- and your man's -- and remember that things won't ever be perfect, the sooner you will all hit your stride. While all of this might sound daunting, all things worth waiting for require hard work.

How to make divorce less traumatic for the kids >>

Life vs. fiction

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More divorce tips

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Tags: divorce tips stepparenting

Comments

Comments on "Divorced dads: Tips for dating (or marrying) a divorced father"

Hi Christina, hang in there girl. If you're a good hearted girl with her priorities straight & you're beginning to love his kids and want them to love you, it will work out. I'd say it'll fall into place, but like most things in life its 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Just remember that leaves you one step AHEAD and don't get discouraged. I married a divorced dad (with custody) so it was probably easier for me. His exwife was an irresponsible person who only cared about her own needs, so I didn't need to worry about feeling jealous of her. (Although I did because that's the type of insecurity i have a weakness for.) It's been a few years now & we got married, and although I never got to the level of closeness that I tried to with his child, I did my best and its miles apart from where it began. I don't know if you're feeling threatened by the exwife having a special bond with your boyfriend, but if so they are divorced for a reason. Divorce is painful and causes a lot of damage. if she isn't partnered up with a guy yet, she eventually will be. If its the fact that he's not your son, its OK. You will grow into a closeness. Try to find things to do with him that he likes, and find some common ground. You may feel like a 5th wheel and useless right now, but it won't always be that way. You will become a very very important part of his life, I promise. And if you're like 2 different friends of mine, one day YOU will be the one the mom prefers to talk to over the dad. Once the weird jealousy feeling either one of you might have arent fresh, you'll get more comfortable & be a vital part. It's not easy, but be glad hes a dad. he's already years ahead of other guys his age out there. Most girls would find him a catch, because he probably has gotten partying & acting like an ass out of the way, and has more noble pursuits on his mind like setting down & securing his career. Good luck to you! It's good to know how you feel. Just know there isn't much for it right now & it gets better after a couple of years. Take care.

Hi, Every article I read reagarding dating a divorced dad are always about how to make it better for the kid and how we need to just sit back and accept the fact that we will never be number one in his life, but does anyone think of how hard it can be on the girlfriend herself. For example in my case, I'm 23 years old, dating a 27 years old divorced dad. The son is 4 years old. He's adorable, so far so good. But even though I love the son and that everything is going great with my boyfriend, I can't stop myself from feeling a little ach in my heart everytime the ex calls to talk about the kid and I'm there feeling stupid because I need to just sit back and watch them raise THEIR son. I always feel out of place and I feel really guilty. My boyfriend and I are already considering getting married and he's always telling me how much he loves me. I know it's bad but I guess I'm just a little jealous and I don't know what to do to get over it.