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How to deal with your post-baby body

Kat Hobza resides in sunny Western Montana. She is the Senior Authoress Specializing in Sarcasm at www.funnyfreelance.com. Okay, she’s the only authoress at funny freelance. When she’s not formulating tongue-in-cheek ideas and content as...

New mom body blues

There are a few topics most moms gloss over with pregnant women. This includes how your body will be different after your little bundle of joy arrives.

New mom trying on jeans

1Stretch marks

Many women's midsections resemble a detailed road map after pregnancy. Will you be one of them? Probably the best way to know is to ask your mom if you can look at her stomach (but be warned, and remember -- you asked for it!). If you're lucky, your stretch marks will be white. If you end up with the thick, purple variety, hope that they may fade over time. Once you are able, do tons of sit-ups and wear things that show off your flat tummy. Everyone will be so side-tracked by how flat your stomach is after giving birth, they will forget that under that tight top you look like something out of a poorly-funded horror flick.

2Hip-hip hooray

Yeah, not so much on the hooray -- just the hip part. Your hips WILL be shaped differently. Parts of your pelvis area went through a dramatic transformation. If you see a woman with slight hips holding an infant, we've got one thing to say about that… C-section. This is why women work so hard to get back into their pre-pregnancy jeans and want to end it all when the jeans don't fit. Why do you think Mom-jeans became such a hit? A small-waisted jean was supposed to distract us from the fact that the hips were wide enough to park a semi-trailer on. To deal with this post-baby reality, just accept it and move on. Go up a size in jeans or try a different style. Face it, you weren't going to have those size 0 hips forever.

3Tummy trouble

Depending on how large you get during pregnancy, abdominal muscles can actually separate a bit! To deal with this delightful side-effect, buy tops that have an empire waist. An empire waist is much higher than the natural waist. The genius behind these tops is that they accentuate the skinniest part of you under the bust, and flow away from the rest of your abdominal region. This style is so popular today that you will not look or feel like you are still in maternity tops.

4Breast enlargement… but not enhancement

Small-breasted women get so excited at the thought of larger breasts during pregnancy and after. What no one will tell you is that pregnancy breasts can be so sensitive that if anyone looks sideways at them you want to cry. Experienced moms might also leave out the fact that your nipples will be the size of Alaska and, in some cases, veiny. But don't despair. You don't walk around nude when you're pregnant, so that last part can be your little secret. Show those puppies off. Have fun with it while it lasts. Breastfeeding helps you lose weight after pregnancy, but once those ladies deflate, your chest might look like that crabby old lady you see on greeting cards. Why do you think padding and underwire was invented?

Hopefully this hasn't left you too depressed. To deal with your post-baby body, just remember: camouflage, camouflage, camouflage. Your body will someday return to something that more or less resembles your pre-baby figure. In the meantime, you have the perfect excuse for your physical condition.

More tips for new moms

New parent myths de-bunked
Post-baby fitness plan for new moms
6 Ways to maintain your social life as a new mom

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