What would you like to know?
Share this Story

Tina Fey's prayer for her daughter

Nicola Jane Ford is a freelance writer and the author of the novel Scatter, a psychological suspense mystery. She is a frequent contributor to SheKnows.com, often writing about home and travel.

"The Mother's Prayer for its Daughter"

In Tina Fey's book Bossypants, she spells out what -- at least -- she hopes her daughter will not do (especially in her teen years). She read this poem aloud on NPR's Fresh Air, but here it is for you to read... and perhaps pass on to your own children! Here is "The Mother's Prayer for its Daughter."

Tina Fey - Bossypants

Already the mother of one daughter, Alice, and expecting baby #2 later this year, motherhood is very much on the comedienne's mind. So now we bring you this excerpt from Tina Fey's book, Bossypants:

"The mother's prayer for its daughter"

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it's the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach's eye, not the the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, 

May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half

And stick with Beer.

Tina Fey and daughter AliceGuide her, protect her

When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the nearby subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called "Hell Drop," "Tower of Torture," or "The Death Spiral Rock N' Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith," and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance.

Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes

And not have to wear high heels.

What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I'm asking You because if I knew, I'd be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.

Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, 

For Childhood is short -- a Tiger Flower blooming

Magenta for one day -- 

And Adulthood is long and Dry-Humping in Cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, 

That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers

And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, 

Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, 

For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, 

That I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 a.m., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.

"My mother did this for me once," she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby's neck.

"My mother did this for me." And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental note to call me. And she will forget.

But I'll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.


More on Tina Fey

I Heart Bossypants by Tina Fey | Real Moms guide

Tina Fey says motherhood makes her more sympathetic

Megamind stars speak: Tina Fey and Will Ferrell front and center


Age 14 Age 15 Age 16 Age 17 Age 18 Age 13 Age 12 Age 11 Age 10 Age 9 Age 8 Age 7 Age 6 Age 5 Age 4 Age 3 Age 2 Age 1 baby pregnancy

Comments
Recommended for You
Hot
New in Parenting
Close

And you'll see personalized content just for you whenever you click the My Feed .

SheKnows is making some changes!