Most kids, once they hit the tween years, regretfully report that there are things about which they can't talk with their parents, either because their parents won't listen, won't understand, or will over-react. As a parent, this becomes our loss because our ability to parent depends on knowing what's happening in our child's life, and being able to influence him or her.
The challenge for parents is learning to listen. Be available without being pushy, and find ways to talk about the hard stuff, so that she feels comfortable sharing with you. If you can control your emotions and keep the situation safe, your child may be able to start sharing her deepest worries. That's when break-throughs happen.
The only one you can control in this situation is yourself. That means you:
Your teenager slams the door to her bedroom. Your 10-year-old huffs, "Mom, you never understand!" Your 4-year-old screams, "I hate you, Daddy!"
What's the most important thing to remember? Don't take it personally! This isn't primarily about you. It's about them: Their tangled up feelings, their difficulty controlling themselves, their immature ability to understand and express their emotions.
When your daughter says, "You never understand!" try to hear that as information about her — at this moment she feels like she's never understood — rather than about you. Taking it personally wounds you, which means you do what we all do when we're hurt: Either close off, or lash out, or both, which just worsens a tough situation for all concerned.
You can still set limits, but you do it from as calm a place as you can muster. Your child will be deeply grateful, even if she can't acknowledge it at the moment. I'm not for a minute suggesting that you let your child treat you disrespectfully. I'm suggesting you act out of love, rather than anger, as you set limits. And if you're too angry to get in touch with your love at the moment, then wait until you are.
Always start the conversation by acknowledging your child's position, as near as you can make it out. That takes him off the defensive so he can hear you. Let him take off from your comments to correct and elaborate; then reflect his corrections so he knows you recognize his side of things.
Remember that more than one perspective can be true at once. Assume your child has a reason for her views or behavior. It may not be what you would consider a good reason, but she has a reason. If you want to understand her, you'll need to extend her the basic respect of trying to see things from her point of view. Say whatever you need to say and then close your mouth and listen.
People can't hear when they're upset. If they don't feel safe, they generally withdraw or attack. If your child begins getting angry, scared or hurt, back up and reconnect. Remind him — and yourself — how much you love him, and that you're committed to finding a solution that works for everyone.
This isn't about winning, but about teaching. Use "I" statements to describe your feelings ("It scares me when you're late and don't call.") Describe the situation. ("This report card is much worse than your previous report cards.") Give information. ("Our neighbor Mrs. Weiner says that you were smoking in the back yard.")
Remember that expressing anger just makes you more angry because it reinforces your sense that you're right and the other person is wrong. Instead, notice your anger and use it as a signal of what needs to change. For instance, rather than throwing a tantrum because the kids aren't helping around the house, use your anger as a motivator to implement a new system of chores — one they help design — that will help prevent the problematic situation in the future.
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