Sex After Baby?

In this installment of Tough Love, Kit from Blogging Dangerously offers advice on sex after baby.

tough love

Couple with newborn

Tough Love with Kit @ Blogging Dangerously

The question

Help! My husband and I had a great physical relationship before our child was born, but now I'm just not that into it! Is our sex life over forever?

Kit answers:

First of all, congratulations on your new baby!

Now relax! If your sex life was over, the world would be full of only children -- so rest assured that things will get better.

Now that your baby is here -- and your life has changed in so many ways -- it's normal to want your sex life to go back to the way it was before your pregnancy, but you need to give it time. Your body did an amazing thing and it needs to recover. And once you've recovered physically, hormones and sleep deprivation can still conspire to sap your sex drive.

But there are definitely things you can do to enjoy your body and your husband's body, in the meantime.

Love yourself

The first thing you can do is to get comfortable with your own body again. You may be reluctant to initiate sex until you're sure it's not going to be painful. Experimenting with your body while you're alone will allow you to enjoy your sexuality and understand your limits. It can also be fun!

The next thing you can do is to enjoy your husband's body. You can implement a "no touching" rule if you're not ready for reciprocation. He may be disappointed but trust me when I tell you that he'll be appreciative enough to go along with it. Do whatever you feel comfortable with, and if you're not really into it, then maybe you could just lend some moral support while he crosses the finish line by himself?

Why you should be necking

When your body is feeling better but you're still feeling exhausted, try to make an effort to go to bed earlier -- and dedicate some time for the two of you. Your baby won't be walking in on you for a couple of years, so make some time on Saturday mornings or Sunday afternoons when your baby is sleeping and you have some down time.

>> 10 Ways to make time for sex after baby

Finally, remember high school: There are lots of things that you and your husband can do to enjoy each other -- kissing, hugging, cuddling, etc. This is a great time to get back to basics. And if you get caught necking in the car, you can gesture back to your newborn in the infant carrier and say, "We're married, we're legally required to be doing this."

Tell us: Is sex after baby realistic? How do you balance your needs and your need for a healthy marriage and your newborn's needs? Is this balance even possible?

  About Tough Love

Tough Love

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More ways to reignite the spark

How to revive your sex drive gives the scoop on how to put the spark back into your relationship.

More on sex after baby


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Comments on "Is our sex life over forever?"

Elaine February 08, 2011 | 6:23 PM

@Blogtessa, I've had that problem! It's not just a lubrication issue - it can also mean the tissue is thinning and more sensitive. Breastfeeding, perimenopause and menopause can all cause it. I've had success using Vit E, both taking it orally and inserted vaginally prior to DTD. There are also some lubricants on the market designed precisely for this issue (which is especially common one in menopause - yippee can't wait).

The Blogtessa February 08, 2011 | 2:30 AM

Sadly, our diminished life seems to have nothing to do with my post-baby drive... I am all about hanky-panky. I can't stay "lubed" very long, and I quickly dry up like a prune and will even start chaffing down under if he doesn't finish very soon after. Most women get upset that their husbands aren't going long enough, and I have to beg mine to speed it up so that it doesn't become uncomfortable. Any suggestions, aside from adding outside lubricants? I have sensitive skin and my girly-parts can react strangely when I use things of that nature.

Heather February 07, 2011 | 5:10 PM

Sometimes you just got to get back on the horse, you know...

Thecoffeeqween February 07, 2011 | 11:21 AM

I found with my second baby delaying birth control has helped a ton. In fact he is 14 mos old and I still have not gotten bc. I am really sensitive to hormones and post baby you have so many hormones and it takes a long time for them to settle. Having the natural rush and drives from ovulating helped us so much the second time around. We use condoms instead and when I know I'm not ovulating we go au naturale. Good luck and great article Kit!

Letty February 07, 2011 | 8:12 AM

Great article with really good advice, Kit.

NotJustAnotherJennifer February 07, 2011 | 8:04 AM

Great article! So true. It really takes some time and effort. Necking is a great suggestion. It's tough for men to start over, but it's kind of romantic and a big turn-on to make it into a game.

Pixi February 04, 2011 | 12:25 PM

Really great article, Kit! You're surely the pro!

Cath February 04, 2011 | 12:22 PM

Great advice and if you look forward to better with a more mature body and don't waste time thinking about what was, it'll all fall into place. Take it from a mom of 3 adults and 4 grands, it does get better.

Pixi February 04, 2011 | 12:21 PM

Really great article, Kit! You're surely the pro!

Julie January 25, 2011 | 10:51 AM

Great article! Something else that I like to remind my new mom friends is that your body won't be back to normal until 2 years (yes, 2) after the baby is born. The hormones, moodiness, hair falling out, low drive all come with that. Something that helped me was going off of birth control that contains hormones. I found that with my body trying to regulate itself back to normal and the bc hormones mixed into an extremely low drive for me. I never had a problem with drive and bc until after having children.

Elaine January 25, 2011 | 8:32 AM

I know our postpartum drive is low low low and - especially if breastfeeding - can be uncomfortable. Regardless: invest in some really good lube and take care of your husband ladies. If was important to your marriage before just know that it hasn't suddenly become less important. Baby doesn't know it yet but your marriage is a priority to him/her. So we need to make a priority for the sake of marriage.

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