After 6 years of attending friends' baby showers, crying all the way home, hearing story after story of friends' pregnancies and birth experiences and the joys of parenthood and dealing with the pain of feeling inadequate month after non-successful month of getting pregnant, my hidden internal pain and longing to be a mommy got the long-awaited chance to be fulfilled.
Our new plan A
While watching a video about adoption with a friend (I was watching it in support of HER, not for myself -- adoption was "our plan B."), my "plan B" took a back seat to "the new plan A." I remember crying as I watched this video and could almost literally feel something internal, like a switch, being flipped up-being turned to the 'on' position. It was as if God was telling me, "Yes! Jennifer! THIS is your Plan A! And it is beautiful!"
Thankfully, my supportive husband, who was also longing to fill the void of empty arms, was 100% on board with the 'new' plan A.
The paper pregnancy
Even though we knew it would be months away before we held our baby, the excitement and freedom I felt made me absolutely giddy! Just knowing I was going to become a mom put me on a high that would carry me thru the months to come; thru the long process of our 'paper pregnancy.'
Because we had no children, we had plenty of time to connect with other couples who were waiting to adopt-to attend 'waiting families' groups/functions and to make friends with other people who really knew what it was like to be in the boat we were in; no pressures what-so-ever. We learned so much about China (where we felt 'led' to adopt from), about what to expect during the waiting process, what to expect when we were in China, etc (what to expect when we finally had her in our arms, once we got home from China, etc) and it was fun! It was encouraging and it was doable because we knew from talking to others that our soon-to-be-family was really going to happen.
The time has arrived
Thirteen months after we submitted our initial paperwork, we were in China. I remember being so anxious that I thought I might have to miss them calling our names because I would be in the bathroom! Ha! I couldn't sit still, I couldn't think clearly and I was about to jump out of my skin!
Then the moment came and we were in a room waiting for our name to be called. We were about the 5th couple to be called to the front of the room-but I don't remember hearing our names, I actually don't remember much (thankfully there were pictures), but I do remember thinking as I held OUR BABY for the very first time that I HAD to calm down! I knew I was probably going to upset her if I didn't calm down…but it was like all these years of longing to have a baby in my arms/all the pain and emptiness-they were GONE!
Pictured, right, are those first few moments of "us."
I am a mommy!
I was a mommy and this beautiful, tiny, sweetest little baby girl not only filled up my heart, but also sealed it with a smile and sense of 'complete'…even if this baby were my only baby, I felt complete! I wanted to be a mommy, and right then and there, w/o stretch marks or painful contractions, I was FINALLY a mommy!
This was indeed better than any plan to become parents than I had ever dreamed of-this baby girl, this journey and this fulfilling, amazing, beautiful ending was indeed a blessing from the Lord and it was AWESOME!!!
I want to encourage anyone out there who is feeling the same feelings that I mentioned-to open your heart and minds to adoption. Do some research on adoption; real stories/real people, and know that you CAN be a mommy-even if that baby doesn't grow in your womb! That sweet baby will get to grow in your heart!
I know what it feels like when well-wishers try to make you feel better and say 'you can always adopt a baby' when your heart and mind are set on actually becoming a mommy via pregnancy…I know that feeling, but now I also know that when you open up to that option-and if that becomes your 'plan A,' you will NOT have any regrets-well, except that you didn't do it sooner!
Next page: See more of Jennifer and Kevin's first few days with Myah