Children thrive on having a caring adult who's willing to help them learn where the walls are, how to manage the less enjoyable tasks of life, and what it means to co-exist with other people with their own needs and desires. Discipline means providing the structure, routines, rituals and skills that help a child grow into a happy, self-reliant, capable adult. Although many people equate "discipline" with "punishment," in my mind, disciplining a child is simply another aspect of loving him.
Three factors make it more likely that your child will respond to your efforts to guide them:
A child is wired to follow the lead of those key caretakers with whom they have a solid and durable attachment. Please read my previous article on forming strong attachments. One of the prerequisites for engaging a child's willingness to cooperate is to ensure that the connection between you is strong. I can't underestimate the importance of fortifying a loving connection with your child as a way to override their tendency to resist and defy your requests.
|Most of us lose our cool because of what we make our children's behavior mean. We tell ourselves our kids are intentionally disrespecting us, or trying to hurt our feelings, when in fact, that could be completely untrue.|
Another important element in disciplining children is to make it absolutely clear that you're genuinely in charge. Children are biased to lean on whoever exudes confidence and authority. If you negotiate with your child over every request you make, or try to convince them to allow you be in charge, you come across as desperate and weak. Telling a child that you need them to do something—anything—creates a reversal in authority, handing over far too much power to them.
Finally, it's essential that parents help a child manage the frustration that comes up when they have to do something that isn't—well—fun. Kids are motivated to enjoy themselves as much as possible; when they have to stop playing video games to start doing their homework, or go to bed when everyone else is still up, they will be disappointed. Parents who understand how to help a child manage their upset are far better able to discipline their child in ways that don't fuel their anger or aggression.
When you take charge as the Captain of the ship in your child's life, help her navigate her frustration, and maintain a strong attachment between the two of you, she'll be more receptive to your discipline and guidance. Even when she doesn't particularly want to take out the trash or stop teasing the dog, she's more likely to comply when you're cool, calm and connected.
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