6 Tips to stop your kids from fighting

Feb 03, 2009 9:02 PM by Abbi Perets

Posted in Parenting / Super Moms Guide / Super Mom Tips

Teaching Kids Kindness

It's not easy to keep your cool when your kids are hurling insults (and sometimes furniture) at each other. "Stop fighting," you scream, and everyone ignores you. How can you get your kids to be kind to each other?

Mother with Daughter

Be a good role model

There's an ugly truth you learn when you become a parent: you can't hide anything from your kids. Do you have a habit of eating over the sink? What's your 12-year-old doing right now? Oh, hey, look, eating over the sink. You curse? You yell? You use sarcasm all the livelong day? Anyone who spends 10 minutes with your kids can tell more about you than you ever planned to reveal.

Children model the behavior they see. Does your child grab toys from others, hit his siblings, bite, stomp, punch? Yes, all children explore these behaviors. But if your child is consistently committing the same offenses, step back, and take a good look at the example you're setting.

In other words, if you want to encourage kindness in your children, you're going to have to practice what you preach.

Watch your tone

When you lose your temper, do you start to shout? When you argue with your spouse, do you raise your voice? Here's a simple trick: keep your tone respectful. Your words will follow suit. It's hard to remember, so make a point of really focusing on this for a week or so. Over time, your kids will notice, and they will start to copy this behavior, too.

Practice politeness

Make it a rule that no one in your house can ask for anything -- a diaper, a pencil, dinner, anything -- without tacking on a "please" at the end of the request. "Change the channel, please." "Pass the salt, please." "Pick up your toys, please." It's automatic -- but it still makes a difference. And whenever someone gives you anything, or does anything for you, say "thank you." Every time. Your kids will follow suit.

Encourage empathy

Bite back the "I told you so" and work on empathizing with your kids when they make mistakes, hurt themselves, or otherwise stumble in life. Instead of "Well, that's what you get for running," tend to the bruise, or even just offer an, "Ouch! That must have hurt!"

Demonstrate your love directly. Yes, it's love when you tell your kids to take an umbrella, but they hear nagging. So tell them, "I love you" -- in those words -- at least once a day. If it feels unnatural, that's a problem you need to address. Your kids need to hear that you love them. Daily. Repeatedly.

Role play

Want to know how your younger child views you? Role play a little. Say, "You're the mommy now. I'm the baby (or big girl, or boy)." Then sit back, and see yourself as your child sees you.

Reward kindness

You can also make a point of rewarding kindness. That doesn't mean you have to bribe your kids to be nice to each other, but notice when they are. Your toddlers are sharing? Praise them, and offer to share a treat with them. Your teenage driver offered to take his sister to the mall? Thank him, and give him some gas money.

Kindness is critical. Take the time to foster it in your own home, and know that you're doing your part to create a gentler world.

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Tags: kids fighting sibling rivalry

Comments

Comments on "6 Tips to stop your kids from fighting"

Be a good role model!! Kids copy behavior like no other - make yours one you WANT them to copy.

I think watching your tone is the most important thing you can do. Kids learn from example. I really think that if you treat them with kindness and respect and try not to lose your patience around them, they will treat others the same way.

There's a problem with the empathy one. People say I-told-you-so's don't do anything constructive but yes they do. After you've warned someone not to do something stupid (like your child who is supposed to obey you) then you reserve the right to remind them of it when they ignore you and fall. Otherwise they're more likely to keep walking all over you, you can say whatever you want and they don't have to listen. Little boys will continue to do the thing that hurts them-like running in the house and falling and hitting their heads-over and over. Even after mommy tells them not to. So you can't say that they will learn from their own mistakes. In fact, punishing the child for the disobedience whether they got hurt or not would probably be the most constructive (after you're sure the child is okay), more constructive than an I-told-you-so. A 'poor baby' tells the child that if they feel like disobeying you, you'll come back feeling bad for them and won't get mad. Almost making it okay for them to disobey if they get hurt. With my younger brothers I remind them of this ahead of time. "Now I'm telling you you can't jump down the stairs. At all. You will get hurt and it will be all your fault. We are not going to feel bad for you if you disobey us and get hurt doing something dangerous. That will be a stupid thing for you to do, and you'll get a spank. Do not do it." That teaches them to make their bed and lie in it. They do it and they face the consequences. Consequences for breaking rules should not be pushed aside just because the children hurt themselves, like they were warned they would.

This really helps. I have a little brother, me and him always fight. I feel that as a big sister i should get more respect but bacause of da fact that me and him are always fightin i dont get the respect i want from him, wat should i do???