Positive discipline: Why time-outs don't work

Jan 25, 2013 12:00 PM by Susan Stiffelman

Posted in Parenting / Parenting Tips & Advice / Child Development & Health

They work because unless a child has become hardened and aloof, the experience of being separated from a parent's comforting presence is unpleasant at best and intolerable at worst. But they come at a price, and eventually they stop working — because they violate one of the three primary drives of a child's brain: the need for close and secure attachment.

Children need a secure attachment

Children are wired to be closely connected to their caretakers. Attachment is vital to their survival and well-being. Unlike the young of other mammals, little humans are utterly dependent on their guardians to provide food, warmth, shelter and nurturing. We simply cannot survive without being connected to those who care for us.

When a misbehaving child is sent to their room to "think about" their offense, the only thing they're really thinking about is either how soon they can get back to Mommy or Daddy or how much they hate their parent for sending them away.

The former response is what we initially see in a younger child whose experience of anxiety at being separated from the parent shoots through the roof. The latter response — anger and contempt — happens when the child feels outraged at being ostracized.

What role does discipline play in parenting? >>

Why time-outs don't work

Time Out

The problems with time-outs are numerous. First, at the very time when the angry or misbehaving child is out of control and in need of the calming influence of a caring parent, they're left to settle down entirely on their own. Most children are incapable of doing this. They need an adult to help them come back to themselves when they're swept up in the storm of their emotions. A child whose behavior has been so impulsive or destructive as to warrant being sent away shouldn't be left to his own devices to become centered again.

Sending a child away when they're distressed is essentially saying to them, "I can't handle you when you show this side of yourself. Come back when you can be the manageable Susie or Johnny that I can handle." Not only are we telling the child that we only find the good, compliant version of themselves acceptable, we're also declaring our inability to cope with all of who they are.

As I've said in many other articles, a child deeply needs their parent to function as the confident captain of the ship in their life. When a parent sends a child away because they can't handle their misbehavior, they're effectively telling them that they (the child) have the power to render them (the parent) incompetent and helpless.

Time-outs increase separation anxiety

One of the characteristics I see in children whose parents routinely use time-outs is clinginess. Unless (or until) these kids become hardened and indifferent, they handle separation badly. While it usually works to tell a child who refuses to leave the park, "OK, then, I'm leaving without you!" (most kids will indeed come running), the anxiety created by chronically threatening a child with separation damages their core sense of security and connection.

Time out for time-outs? >>

What can you do?

When a parent functions as the captain of the ship in their child's life, there's a natural dynamic at play that makes time-outs largely unnecessary. Sure, there are always times when our kids are cranky, hungry, jealous or running on empty, but if we do our best to anticipate problems before they manifest, we can usually avoid behavior getting out of hand.

For all practical purposes, time-outs are the equivalent of shunning a child. In most societies, shunning is considered the most dreadful form of punishment. When we instead manage a child's misbehavior while preserving their sense of connection with us, we avoid the harmful effects of time-outs — which in the long run, create more problems than they solve.

Avoiding power struggles: Parenting without bribes or threats >>

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Tags: discipline time out

Comments

Comments on "Positive discipline: Why time-outs don't work"

You never gave an alternative. I know people who attachment parent so much the child has run them to the ground. So what do you suggest. I do time out with a child in a room near by so they know i am there and it helps immensely and not in an angry mode, and i talk to them after. They know that when they ready to listen and behave i will let them out. . If you going to criticize it at least offer an alternative.

I don't agree with this article either. My daughters preschool teacher does time-outs as well. They don't learn by coddling. And we all need a chance to cool down every once and a while. I do agree that sending them to their room is not going to teach them anything. That is where all of their toys are. They will just play not think. Putting them where you can see and hear them still is a better time-out. This does not create separation anxiety this keeps them close while they are learning to calm down.

This kind of parenting is why this world is a mess, this is basically says "Hey! No consequences!" You want good Parenting advice, look for anything by Dr. James Dobson.

Time out is useful in my school; we cant prevent the behavior and is needed sometimes but the most important is to show a good behavior and be a model for children

I think I agree with most of this article but I don't like how inconclusive it is. What is a better alternative to time out? Behavior cannot always be prevented!

Time outs work great with my five-year-old. So they can indeed work. And please, it is NOT shunning! This is not an Amish community, folks. It's five minutes sitting quietly to calm down and think a little. It gives you both a chance to calm down and then talk about what happened. That's when he has to articulate what was inappropriate and that he is sorry. Then we hug, say I love you and go on. This may come as a shock but it is OKAY for a kid to feel remorse for inappropriate behavior. They should feel bad about it. They should face consequences. It teaches them not to repeat it. Wonder why so many kids run the house and not the parents? The parents are bending over backwards to cater to their little prince /princess so much that they are no longer parents. Time out isn't for every child, but it works fine for us.

great advice. time-outs don;t work on my 2 yr old

So what are you supposed to do when your child is acting out? There has to be something you can do to tell them that it's not OK. If you comfort them and give in every time you're going to wind up with an out of control brat.

I would say Time Outs only work on CERTAIN types of children. There are numerous types it does NOT work on. First is the type who have become hardened, as mentioned in the article. But there is also another type, though I don't know how to classify it. I am this type, perhaps the "gifted troublemaker". When sent to time out, while understanding the purpose of the time out, I learned to just get absorbed in my own imagination and when the time is up would offer an apology but often a fake one (so time outs could teach a child to prepare to lie effectively if they are smart enough to know you expect an apology). I learned to just go into my imagination rather than "reflect" at a young age, and it also made detention in school completely powerless over me later on. In fact, I learned to ENJOY detention so if anything it only emboldened me to be a huge troublemaker. I caused huge problems in the school system (the principal retired and mentioned me as a reason). I was from a Northern liberal state. But when we moved down south, the schools were so radically different, not only did I stop misbehaving because of the air of authority (spanking was allowed down there but not needed as I straightened up simply because of the atmosphere), but imagine my surprise when they understood I was gifted and had me take tests which proved it and placed me in honors programs. Turns out part of the reason for me acting out was the material was not challenging me. But the other part was definitely the permissive environment in the Northern schools where I was allowed to walk all over the teachers, rebel, and the worst punishment was simply time outs which I rather enjoyed. My type is certainly an exception, but I wanted to mention my specific case where time outs backfired, and I wasn't "hardened". Spare the rod and spoil the child, so to speak. I really was emboldened. I don't know how many other kids enjoy time out, but it's certainly something to watch out for.

It's not about punishment, it's about behaviour having consequences. I don't use time out with my children as a punishment. When my daughter has a melt down, I don't give in, but neither do I punish her for being overwhelmed by a situation not going the way she'd planned (hey I get upset when things don't turn out the way I wanted them to, too!). I'll hug her, offer her a drink of water, and when she is calm, we'll talk out alternatives. I hope in time she'll be able to manage her frustration better, but truthfully, I still get upset and cry sometimes when I'm angry and frustrated and nothing I'm doing seems to be working right. Why would I punish my daughter for something that is natural. I don't accept her being violent - if she hits me, I will not cuddle her - natural consequence of her behaviour, I don't want to get hurt. Both of my children are described by their teachers as being socially just, outgoing and bright, and neither has any behavioural problems at school. Some of that is no doubt due to luck or genetics, but obviously our disciplining method isn't completely worthless.

There is absolutely nothing concrete in this article, nor in the "avoiding power struggles" one... save your time and move on! This is nonsense as we all know there is no reasoning with a child during a tantrum or fit. You must "ignore" and "isolate". This behavior is just a normal part of being a toddler and there is no getting away from it. Trying to "talk it though" with them or be "alongside" them is just stalling and delaying the outcome. It is a form of negotiation. Kids learn that other form of "power" pretty quickly and turn the technique on us... Kids have to learn and respect authority once again. It is these kinds of lectures that have led the generation of kids aged 23 and under to be spoiled brats.

Time outs say "I can't handle you" or "that behavior is not acceptable?" The WHAT CAN YOU DO portion doesn't say what to do when a child is acting up. This is the problem I keep seeing with all this "positive parenting." No one actually gives an alternative. This is borderline permissive parenting & doesn't prepare a child for the real world. In preschool they're going to have time outs. In school there's going to be detention when they act up. I don't know why people think if you're not "positive" parenting, you're at the complete opposite of the spectrum beating the child silly.

Excellent. Could not agree more and have the 4 year old daughter to prove it. As her teacher says also, she could not be more contented, happy, easy, CONFIDENT, and intelligent child in the class.

I disagree completely! Time outs are an effective way for a child to reflect on the actions that put them there. I have a 3 year old and a four year old who have both come out of time out with empathy for yelling at one another, they have asked to apologize and have even asked for options aside from being in time out. These actions further my belief that time out is an effective means of reflection, to cause for remorse of their misbehavior and comprehension of offenses.

This article contains SOUND precautions and wisdom. Children who have attachment problems and Separation Anxiety have an increase in anxiety and tantruming when using time out because it reinforces the feelings of abandonment and rejection. Even normal developing children experience seperation anxiety and can form attachment styles that may resurface in significant relationship problems lator in life. Children do not even have enough brain development to cognitively process many things, instead they attach the feeling of being 'BAD' to their identity. I wholeheartedly agree with the author that discipline should be positive and nurturing the child developmentally. I agree with the comment made that you can still be near the child when they are being disciplined...apparently if you are near the child then it's not considered 'time out'. You can still address the bad behaviour in a firm and loving way and still restrict them from playing. You also can tell the child what you EXPECT from them, rather than focusing on the undesired wrong. If the words are simple and concise, then the child can receive the message that they will not be receving attention or reward for this behaviour and will have something they enjoy doing removed (playing, watching TV, etc). Yet the parent is not isolating them either.

QUOTE FROM PREVIOUS COMMENT: "It's better to calmly put them in time out and then act warm and loving when they've calmed down." Teaching that the only acceptable emotions are "happy" and "obedient" and that your love is conditional upon acting "appropriately" per your standards....do you see how this is setting a child up for a lifetime of relationship struggles? The time a person (of any age) is acting the most unlovable is when they are most needy of purely unconditional love and hugs. A child is even moreso in need of loving guidance as how else are they to navigate emotions? Isolating them when they are out of control doesn't teach them self-control, it teaches them lack of self-worth and that they are not lovable as imperfect beings. I hope you might think about this the next time you face a strong feeling of loneliness or misunderstanding in your marriage or own relationship. I married my husband because he never lets me cry alone....

I also disagree; it really just depends on the child. Some children calm down and recharge by being around people, but others need some alone time to calm down. I would definitely not go so far as to call time out "shunning," as that also depends on HOW the time out is implemented and what the intentions are. I don't really support the idea of time out as punishment, but I do think it can be constructive. Sometimes kids just need to chill out by themselves for a few minutes and come back calm and restored. Screaming, tantrumming little kids are often acting out for attention--positive or negative. If you comfort and cuddle with them when they do those things, you're encouraging this undesirable behavior! It's better to calmly put them in time out and then act warm and loving when they've calmed down.

Totally do not agree on every level. I have worked as a teacher and grew up in a family where we owned an in home daycare. I think there is a lot of "trendy" parenting advice because everyone wants to think that they have a new way of dealing with tantrums but time outs are tried and true. The real problem is that no disciplining device should be over used or the child will become de-sensitized to it. My son is very stubborn and will occassionally have a full melt down tantrum to the point that when we left Disney World once he screamed all the way back to the car- in those cases I think the child is more than acting out but grieving about the situation and whatever we do or don't do won't change the reality of grieving about the situation so it is best to ignore them, respond with, "I love you but your behavior is unnacceptable." And then assure them of something positive in the near future, "It's sad that we are leaving Disney World but we will see Grandma tomorrow." or "When we go back to the hotel you can go swimming with Daddy." etc - I think the trends in parents will come and go offering some new insights that will help some exceptions but time outs are a tried and true method not because children feel neglected but because children are manipulative and they are expressing outrage because ultimately they want their way.

WONDERFUL article – thank you so much for this encouragement to all parents and caretakers! My heart breaks whenever I hear, “I was spanked and turned out fine” arguments. I was spanked and didn’t turn out “fine” – I walked around with a secretly broken heart for 32 years until finally becoming a parent. I then realized the opportunity to heal and break the cycle of “demand obedience and child training” through the gift of gentle mothering. I’ve learned that modeling healthy and honoring relationships creates beautiful life lessons for my children and everyone around us. Shame and humiliation may teach compliance but at what true lifelong cost? (And think of the many who at all ages submit to abuse because of their experiences with parental domination…) Instilling strong self-worth, validating and guiding our children through stages of life, and taking time to authentically connect on a heart-level will pour the foundation of love and nurturing that every human deserves.

Time-outs do work, but only to an extent. They work for children that are already confident, and basically well-behaved. They don't work for toddlers at all. They don't work for insecure preschoolers. They do NOT stop temper tantrums. Time-outs were very "new" when I was a young student and mother, and now they are the standard. But research has never proven them to be a valid tool. Time-out articles abound on the internet, but this method of discipline is now illegal for day care and preschools for children under 30 months of age. If our day care teachers can control a classroom of toddlers without resorting to time-outs, surely a mom can learn manage in the calmer setting of her own home. The problem is that to create a CALM HOME, moms have to have some discipline themselves. They have to TURN OFF the television. Serve nutritious meals AT the table, eat with their children, talk with their children, have a regular daily schedule with plenty of time for sleep and naps, and stick to the schedule. They can't be haphazard and irregular and expect obedient, calm, well-behaved children. Having a television on, no matter what channel or movie it is turned to, creates stress in the home. Lack of sleep creates stress. Poor nutrition creates stress. Time-outs create stress. No routine creates stress. And stressed little children throw tantrums.