Positive discipline: Why time-outs don't work

Sep 22, 2011 7:16 AM by Susan Stiffelman

Posted in Parenting / Parenting Tips & Advice / Child Development & Health

Positive Parenting

Do time-outs work as punishment for children? Family therapist and author Susan Stiffelman explains why they don't work, why they can actually cause clinginess in your child -- and what techniques are much more effective.

Time Out There's no doubt about it: Time-outs work. Sort of. They work because unless a child has become hardened and aloof, the experience of being separated from a parent's comforting presence is unpleasant at best and intolerable at worst. But they come at a price, and eventually they stop working --because they violate one of the three primary drives of a child's brain: the need for close and secure attachment.

Children need a secure attachment

Children are wired to be closely connected to their caretakers. Attachment is vital to their survival and well-being. Unlike the young of other mammals, little humans are utterly dependent on their guardians to provide food, warmth, shelter and nurturing; we simply cannot survive without being connected to those who care for us.

When a misbehaving child is sent to their room to "think about" their offense, the only thing they're really thinking about is either how soon they can get back to Mommy or Daddy or how much they hate their parent for sending them away.

The former response is what we initially see in a younger child whose experience of anxiety at being separated from the parent shoots through the roof. The latter response -- anger and contempt -- happens when the child feels outraged at being ostracized.

>> What role does discipline play in parenting?

Why time-outs don't work

The problems with time-outs are numerous. First, at the very time when the angry or misbehaving child is out of control and in need of the calming influence of a caring parent, they're left to settle down entirely on their own. Most children are incapable of doing this. They need a grown up to help them come back to themselves when they're swept up in the storm of their emotions. A child whose behavior has been so impulsive or destructive as to warrant being sent away shouldn't be left to his own devices to become centered again.

Sending a child away when they're distressed is essentially saying to them, "I can't handle you when you show this side of yourself. Come back when you can be the manageable Susie or Johnny that I can handle." Not only are we telling the child that we only find the good, compliant version of themselves acceptable, we're also declaring our inability to cope with all of who they are.

As I've said in many other articles, a child deeply needs their parent to function as the confident Captain of the ship in their life. When a parent sends a child away because they can't handle their misbehavior, they're effectively telling them that they (the child) have the power to render them (the parent) incompetent and helpless.

Time-outs increase separation anxiety

One of the characteristics I see in children whose parents routinely use time-outs is clinginess. Unless (or until) these kids become hardened and indifferent, they handle separation badly. While it usually works to tell a child who refuses to leave the park, "Okay, then, I'm leaving without you!" (most kids will indeed come running), the anxiety created by chronically threatening a child with separation damages their core sense of security and connection.

>> Time out for time outs?

What can you do?

When a parent functions as the Captain of the ship in their child's life, there's a natural dynamic at play that makes time-outs largely unnecessary. Sure, there are always times when our kids are cranky, hungry, jealous or running on empty, but if we do our best to anticipate problems before they manifest, we can usually avoid behavior getting out of hand.

For all practical purposes, time-outs are the equivalent of shunning a child. In most societies, shunning is considered the most dreadful form of punishment. When we instead manage a child's misbehavior while preserving their sense of connection with us, we avoid the harmful effects of time-outs -- which in the long run, create more problems than they solve.

How can you become the Captain of the ship in your child's life, parenting without needing to bribe, threaten or resort to time-outs? Click here to read, "Avoiding power struggles: Parenting without bribes or threats."

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Tags: age 3 age 4 age 5 age 6 age 7 age 8 discipline discipline problems time out

Comments

Comments on "Positive discipline: Why time-outs don't work"

Excellent. Could not agree more and have the 4 year old daughter to prove it. As her teacher says also, she could not be more contented, happy, easy, CONFIDENT, and intelligent child in the class.

I disagree completely! Time outs are an effective way for a child to reflect on the actions that put them there. I have a 3 year old and a four year old who have both come out of time out with empathy for yelling at one another, they have asked to apologize and have even asked for options aside from being in time out. These actions further my belief that time out is an effective means of reflection, to cause for remorse of their misbehavior and comprehension of offenses.

This article contains SOUND precautions and wisdom. Children who have attachment problems and Separation Anxiety have an increase in anxiety and tantruming when using time out because it reinforces the feelings of abandonment and rejection. Even normal developing children experience seperation anxiety and can form attachment styles that may resurface in significant relationship problems lator in life. Children do not even have enough brain development to cognitively process many things, instead they attach the feeling of being 'BAD' to their identity. I wholeheartedly agree with the author that discipline should be positive and nurturing the child developmentally. I agree with the comment made that you can still be near the child when they are being disciplined...apparently if you are near the child then it's not considered 'time out'. You can still address the bad behaviour in a firm and loving way and still restrict them from playing. You also can tell the child what you EXPECT from them, rather than focusing on the undesired wrong. If the words are simple and concise, then the child can receive the message that they will not be receving attention or reward for this behaviour and will have something they enjoy doing removed (playing, watching TV, etc). Yet the parent is not isolating them either.

QUOTE FROM PREVIOUS COMMENT: "It's better to calmly put them in time out and then act warm and loving when they've calmed down." Teaching that the only acceptable emotions are "happy" and "obedient" and that your love is conditional upon acting "appropriately" per your standards....do you see how this is setting a child up for a lifetime of relationship struggles? The time a person (of any age) is acting the most unlovable is when they are most needy of purely unconditional love and hugs. A child is even moreso in need of loving guidance as how else are they to navigate emotions? Isolating them when they are out of control doesn't teach them self-control, it teaches them lack of self-worth and that they are not lovable as imperfect beings. I hope you might think about this the next time you face a strong feeling of loneliness or misunderstanding in your marriage or own relationship. I married my husband because he never lets me cry alone....

I also disagree; it really just depends on the child. Some children calm down and recharge by being around people, but others need some alone time to calm down. I would definitely not go so far as to call time out "shunning," as that also depends on HOW the time out is implemented and what the intentions are. I don't really support the idea of time out as punishment, but I do think it can be constructive. Sometimes kids just need to chill out by themselves for a few minutes and come back calm and restored. Screaming, tantrumming little kids are often acting out for attention--positive or negative. If you comfort and cuddle with them when they do those things, you're encouraging this undesirable behavior! It's better to calmly put them in time out and then act warm and loving when they've calmed down.

Totally do not agree on every level. I have worked as a teacher and grew up in a family where we owned an in home daycare. I think there is a lot of "trendy" parenting advice because everyone wants to think that they have a new way of dealing with tantrums but time outs are tried and true. The real problem is that no disciplining device should be over used or the child will become de-sensitized to it. My son is very stubborn and will occassionally have a full melt down tantrum to the point that when we left Disney World once he screamed all the way back to the car- in those cases I think the child is more than acting out but grieving about the situation and whatever we do or don't do won't change the reality of grieving about the situation so it is best to ignore them, respond with, "I love you but your behavior is unnacceptable." And then assure them of something positive in the near future, "It's sad that we are leaving Disney World but we will see Grandma tomorrow." or "When we go back to the hotel you can go swimming with Daddy." etc - I think the trends in parents will come and go offering some new insights that will help some exceptions but time outs are a tried and true method not because children feel neglected but because children are manipulative and they are expressing outrage because ultimately they want their way.

WONDERFUL article – thank you so much for this encouragement to all parents and caretakers! My heart breaks whenever I hear, “I was spanked and turned out fine” arguments. I was spanked and didn’t turn out “fine” – I walked around with a secretly broken heart for 32 years until finally becoming a parent. I then realized the opportunity to heal and break the cycle of “demand obedience and child training” through the gift of gentle mothering. I’ve learned that modeling healthy and honoring relationships creates beautiful life lessons for my children and everyone around us. Shame and humiliation may teach compliance but at what true lifelong cost? (And think of the many who at all ages submit to abuse because of their experiences with parental domination…) Instilling strong self-worth, validating and guiding our children through stages of life, and taking time to authentically connect on a heart-level will pour the foundation of love and nurturing that every human deserves.

Time-outs do work, but only to an extent. They work for children that are already confident, and basically well-behaved. They don't work for toddlers at all. They don't work for insecure preschoolers. They do NOT stop temper tantrums. Time-outs were very "new" when I was a young student and mother, and now they are the standard. But research has never proven them to be a valid tool. Time-out articles abound on the internet, but this method of discipline is now illegal for day care and preschools for children under 30 months of age. If our day care teachers can control a classroom of toddlers without resorting to time-outs, surely a mom can learn manage in the calmer setting of her own home. The problem is that to create a CALM HOME, moms have to have some discipline themselves. They have to TURN OFF the television. Serve nutritious meals AT the table, eat with their children, talk with their children, have a regular daily schedule with plenty of time for sleep and naps, and stick to the schedule. They can't be haphazard and irregular and expect obedient, calm, well-behaved children. Having a television on, no matter what channel or movie it is turned to, creates stress in the home. Lack of sleep creates stress. Poor nutrition creates stress. Time-outs create stress. No routine creates stress. And stressed little children throw tantrums.

This article is all about time outs not working, then at the bottom of it there is a link to "Your Top 10 discipline problems solved" which suggests using time outs to combat teasing????? Anyone else confused?? Michelle, I totally agree with you, thanks for your comments!

I have to disagree with the majority of this article. If timeouts don't work it's because the parent is not consistent, and/or doesn't explain the reasoning to the child. She is correct in that parents need to focus more on bonding with the children. Obedience will follow easier after love. That being said, obedience is right up there. Punishment is not a bad thing, although all the new-age child psychologists would like to make it seem that way. Punishment is NOT like hitting a person, or lashing out at someone in anger and causing more damage. Punishment is the child's first experience in life with the fact that wrong-doing brings about miserable circumstances. Children who do not receive this training grow up to be the adults who believe in doing whatever they want and trying to get away with it. Children are not adults. They should not be sent to their room 'to cool off', that's true. Time-outs should be near the parent, within view maybe, and kept short (check super-nanny's time ideas). I also believe in spanking, but I've seen discipline successfully carried out without it. Teaching control is a very good way to keep the children from breaking out into tantrums and angry outbursts when they are older. My parents spanked me, and it worked. I learned very quickly that tantrums would not be allowed. Later on they let me know that I was not going to abuse anyone with a half-formed outburst of anger. They taught me control, all the while explaining why they were punishing me for these actions. As I got older, the reasons sunk in. I never once yelled at my parents 'I HATE YOU!'. I knew better. I also understood very early that I had NO RIGHT to be angry at them for punishing me for doing something wrong. It was MY fault. There were a lot of harmful, ignorant things that never left my mouth because I knew I would not be allowed to hurt anyone with them. I was allowed to discuss things I was angry about, and they would explain why I was right or wrong to be angry. And I'll let you in on a secret, my time in the corner was not spent in pondering my wrong-doing, but it did make me feel consequences for unacceptable behavior. I didn't like the corner, but it was NOT a detriment. As I grew up this gave me a very strong sense of consequences. **I know how to control myself.** I think before I speak and act, and I rarely hurt anyone with a half-baked statement, and I have NEVER broken or trashed ANYTHING in anger, in my entire life. I'm very grateful for this control, I still have many treasured items that are very old because I had the control not to take out my anger in idiotic harmful ways. My parents never had to fight me with school work and learning. I understood the consequences of not doing homework, and those propelled me through my entire school career as an A honor roll student that caught on very quickly and had a much easier time. The fact that I have lived and learned this leads me to have very little tolerance for children and my peers who grew up doing what they wanted, throwing a glass or hitting someone when they were mad, and saying whatever ignorant things come into their heads to stab someone they are mad at. I tell those people they are acting like two year olds, and they have no right to pitch tantrums. I also have a strong disgust for the people who grew up learning to dodge consequences. I still do things wrong, but when it comes time to pay for it I accept it. Always. I make my bed and lie in it. It is the right thing to do, and I have learned that it is important for me and everyone else to ALWAYS expect the right thing from everyone. No exceptions. The people I see who grew up without punishment, with parents who allowed them to throw their tantrums and angry outbursts (in the name of expressing themselves or just laziness), are now the idiots I have to deal with who mess up things and hurt me with ignorant statements that they didn't think about. I wish every parent would instill consequences and control in their children. It's getting worse every year, and I believe my generation is going to be a large group of impulsive, reactive, idiotic, careless, lazy fools.

Thank you for spelling this out so clearly. When parents understand what children actually need developmentally and are offered alternatives to spanking and timeouts, my hope is they will use these new strategies and have less angry, confused, depressed and anxious children. Thanks for such a great article.

Right on advice.

Excellent article!!!

reasons why they don't work...