Children raising children: Should siblings babysit?

Posted in Parenting / Age by Age / Tweens, Teens & College

After almost ten years as a stay at home mom, Tenna Perry found herself in the unexpected position of returning to work. Needing to find reliable and safe, yet inexpensive child care for her two younger children, Perry, like countless parents today, needed to rely on her oldest child. "Even though she hated the idea, my 17-year-old needed to step up to the plate," says Perry, a Porter, Texas mother of three.

Unexpected financial burden, illness, and divorce are just a few of the circumstances surrounding the need for older children to care for their younger siblings. While many responsibility thirsty teens and tweens crave the chance to demonstrate their babysitting prowess, having to routinely care for a younger brother or sister stirs a bag of mixed emotions.

Should older children be expected to 'pitch in' and care for their younger siblings? Do care giving siblings deserve compensation, or is their contribution expected as part of their family responsibilities? How does having one child care for another impact the family dynamics and the relationships of the children?

A 2004 study conducted by graduate research students at Northwestern University highlighted a few interesting facts about children who care for their younger siblings. An estimated thirteen to seventeen percent of children ages thirteen to nineteen act as care givers to younger siblings for reasons other than social or entertainment events. Slightly more than sixty seven percent of sibling caregivers are girls. Of all the 737 teen and tween care givers who participated in the study, more than seventy five percent of them do so for an average of fourteen hours a week and almost twenty seven percent of are expected to prepare and serve meals, help with homework and tuck younger sibling into bed during the week. "It was most interesting to see the significant difference in the number of hours that girls are left to care for their siblings versus boys," noted Carinna Inuyde-Johnston in the study.

Understanding the affects
Health care experts have begun focusing on the impact of giving a child too much responsibility or assigning responsibility before a child is mature enough to handle it. Some children do not function well under pressure while others may not be mature enough to temper the inclination to boss around a younger sibling. "The child's personality and nature has a lot to do with how he or she will handle this experience," says Family Therapist, Steven Bridge, LCSW, MSW of South Bethlehem, Pennsylvania,

A naturally bossy child might need occasional reminders of the difference between being 'Boss' and being 'In charge'. "It can be tough for teens to transition back and forth from being a child when their parents are home, to being the care giver and responsible party when they're 'in charge'," Bridge adds.

A parent's point of view
There are a range of emotions that correspond with the decision to leave children home together. Fear that they will fight or be scared, worry over what they'll eat and how they'll be entertained, and massive amounts of parental guilt top the list of many in this situation.

"I would always feel guilty if my older daughter was missing out on a social event with peers," shares mother of three, April Lee Schmidt of Moundville, Alabama who also relied on her oldest for child care. Seemingly the most compelling emotion tied to leaving older children in charge, guilt that they'll resent the responsibility, are not able to enjoy a 'normal' childhood, or handle the pressure associated with the responsibility plagues the parents of care giving teens.

Worrying how the responsibility and pressure affects all of the children fuels a parent's conflicting emotions. "While I don't feel it is completely fair to my seventeen year old, I also don't feel it is fair to my younger children that just because of their age, they do not have equal responsibility," Perry notes.

What the teens think
Many teens in this situation often question what they are going to get out of caring for their siblings. Questions such as 'How much am I going to paid?' and 'Can I use the car if I watch them?' are frequently presented to parents requiring the child care assistance of an older child.

Adding to the fray is the potential for resentment for the need to 'act like an adult' or 'miss out on what their friends are doing'. While many older children do demonstrate varying levels of resentment, most do not exhibit any more resentment for caring for a sibling than they do for taking out the trash or performing other routine chores. "Although she does resent helping out, if I mention hiring someone to baby-sit, the thought of her losing out on the income sits even worse with her," shares Perry.

In some cases, teens and tweens relish the chance to be granted responsibility or to shower a younger child with attention for structured periods of time. "The older she got my daughter would suggest my husband and I go out to dinner and offer to care for her siblings," effuses Schmidt.

Samantha Rae Glashaw, Schmidt's nineteen year old daughter adds, "Honestly, it always felt really natural to take care of my siblings. I never resented the responsibility because I enjoyed it so much."

"I think the most negative aspect of it is that my brother sees me more in a maternal/authoritative role and even so, I wouldn't really classify that as negative," Glashaw adds. By participating in a variety of aspects as they are growing up, teen care givers and their younger sibling usually build a very strong foundation for the relationships they'll share as adults.

Comments

Comments on "Children raising children: Should siblings babysit?"

When I was little I was left alone with my sister most evenings. Her friends would often come over and although most of them were ok and just ignored me, there were a couple who really weren't ok. I love my parents dearly but I don't have as strong a bond with them as most people I know have with their parents. Now, at high school, I am constantly the victim of intimidation and bullying from older boys at my school and I feel unable to connect with my parents enough to tell them. I don't like being in the house with my sister's male friends. Every night still I come home from school to an empty house -- my sister at uni, my parents working late -- and I am responsible for our dog, my homework, my music practice and my evening meal. Interestingly though, one of the boys who picks on me at school was left with a babysitter a fair bit while his parents worked late shifts when he was younger and although it is not an excuse at all, as his family are such lovely people, to him and everyone they meet, I still feel there is something I understand, sort of a connection which makes it easier for me to take the bullying. It's had an effect on me, and although I don't know about my sister, I figure it has probably had an effect on her too.

** I should note that I only helped out in this way if my parents were working, if my father was home but had just worked a double (I watched the kids so he could rest), and once in awhile for the occasional wedding, party, etc... **

It seems like most people on here think this is not something that should be done, but for most of you who are watching/have watched siblings, please tell me: is it because the parents are at work? Many of you seem to indicate that they are doing nothing, which is apalling - no child should have to watch siblings so that the parents can enjoy their lives free of worry about kids. That is child abuse. But for parents to rely on older kids to care for younger kids - seems perfectly fine to me. I'm the oldest of 6 and I helped out in this way for years. I was of course NEVER paid - I have always looked at it from this perspective: my mother wasn't paid to do laundry or cook, and my father wasn't paid to fix our toilet or vacuum - etc., etc....so why should they pay me for doing what the family needed to function properly? Was I not part of the family too? I complained sometimes, but when I look back now (I am in my thirties) I am thankful my parents trusted me & gave me the opportunity to assist the family in this way. I felt good about contributing to my family, and my parents never abused the privilege of having me available.

I agree with many of these comments. I come from a separated Irish family, and my sister and later myself were forced to watch our younger siblings for hours at a time. Sometimes for periods extending 10 hours. We didn't get to go out after school, we didn't know when our parents were coming home. We didn't get to enjoy our childhoods or express our will for independence. The majority of these babysitting sessions were unpaid. What's more, around 16, my parents, would complain that I didn't get a job in my free time. The effect? Strained relationship with siblings (after all they aren't your siblings, they're work), absolutely no desire to raise kids of our own (After all, we already raised kids once...why do it again?), and a lot of resentment to our parents. Use condoms if you don't want to raise your kids. It's selfish, lazy, and I have no sympathy for parents who do that.

So im a middle child , i hate being one ! My mom expects me to do everything , then my baby brother came along . I had to take care of him everyday , i make his milk . WTF ? Your the mom not me , why would you even get another child if you wouldnt take care of it ?!?!!! After all of dat you still have dah nerve to call yourself a mom !! ????????

This is from A person who was raised by kids.Its hard on both the younger and older siblings. The older kids get taken advantage of 9/10 and misused . It creates problems were the oldest child's freedom,priorities and childhood getting robbed somewhat. The youngest lacks on a certain connection with the parents. This causes problems for the youngest growth and learning. Kids can't necessarily teach the lessons and carry them out the way Parents/Adults do. DONT MISUSE your KIDs!! If they baby sit make sure you give them a proper way that it should Not feel/be like this.

Parents must NEVER expect the older child to care for the younger. I had the same problem , my mum delivered my only brother at an olde4r age and was constantly feeling tired so she shoved all the jobs to me- washing bottles , watching baby, hanging out the nappies and in spite of that never ceased to scream at me for not doing things fast enough. Who chose to give birth? Mum and dad. Who had the ? Mum and dad, so why was I the one who became the victim? Even up to this age they expect me to give my brother monthly allowance, pay for his ecucation and and chauffeur him around to university. What the hell..... he's not my son! I missed out lots of fun during my younger years because of my brother. When my brother fell and broke his arm, mum screamed at me. When he swallowed a fish bone, she screamed at me. when he did badly at exams she blamed me for not tutoring him. It was never my fault, but she always pointed the finger at me because I was older. Probably when my brother dies someday, she'll blame me too.Never have a second child if you expect the eldest to carry all the burdens for you. My happy life ended the day my parents chose to have a second child and I will probably carry this grudge for eternity.

I am a single Mom of 3 precious girls 12; 5 & 4. I have been separated almost 9 months. My ex & I have had our share of problems, but mostly because of his alcoholism & addiction. I stood by his side for the first 7 years of our marriage, 6 re-habs, 2 DUI's, & so on. He cleaned up for awhile, only to fall off the wagon once again. Things eventually got real ugly. The amount of emotional, mental & sometimes physical abuse was overwhelming for us all. My 12 year old is awesome. She has taken on the role of 2nd parent. Of course not by my choice, but she is happier this way than having her abusive father in the house. I feel horrible for her not being able to do after school activities & so on. She struggles in school. She is smart, but has missing assignments, she cares for her sisters after school everyday. I work retail, crazy hours. Although she does not mind, I feel she is losing out on so much. I pray everyday for a "regular" 9-5 job so that I can serve a "real" family dinner, help my girls with their homework, read stories to them before bed. My oldest does everything from feeding them to bathing them. She is such a blessing. So to all you parents out there, let your kids be kids if you can. Once in awhile to sit so you can go out, fine. But my family doesn't have that choice. God Bless all you single Moms & Dads & all your kids.

My neighbor has three girls, the oldest is 10. She recently had twin boys. The 10 year old is constantly having to look after the boys so mom can have a break. The mother never seems to want to care for her own children. I am betting this 10 year old girl has been babysitting since her younger sister was born. They are five years apart. I think it robs a child of their right to a childhood. It may also make a child resentful and not want children when they grow up because they are sick of the responsibility.

I agree with Loli. Please, please don't do that to your children! I was put in charge of my five younger siblings when I was 17, and it made my life a nightmare. I went from being a 4.0 AP student to barely passing classes. I rarely, if ever, went out with friends, and I had to quit all my after-school sports and clubs I was involved with. I was anxious and depressed, and my younger siblings suffered, too. They deserved a caretaker who devote not only their time, but their energy to them, something I just couldn't do. Children need a parent's support at any age. It's not right to leave that responsibility on the shoulders of a child.

I disagree because kids don't need to be paid when they're babysitting their siblings. When i was eight i had to take care of my sister when my mom went to work. I kept following her to not throw anything in my grandma's house. I was geting boring because my sister didn't throw anything.My mom came home to pick us up. I told my mom that I was hungry. Then my mom said I couldn't eat because my sister if she wasn't throwing anything from my grandma's house. Then we came home. My mom made food then she said I can't still eat because I had to take care of my sister if she isn't throwing anything again.

I disagree with walnuts because it is good for siblings to babysit. It is good for everybody to help their family by babysitting!

I have been a babysitter all my life. If I had not babysat for my 10 younger siblings, my parents would have had to pay a TON of money. I still felt respected because they did pay me; just not as much as they would have had to pay someone else. Plus, I knew my house and where everything was, so it was easier for me than a regular babysitter. Because of my experience with babysitting my siblings, I actually started my own babysitting "business." I earned enough money to buy clothes and snack foods and things because of babysitting.

I agree with Heather because when you are left alone babysitting a younger sibling you might be scared. Because they might be strangers outside.

I'm 17 now and my sister was born when I was ten. Since then, I have had increased responsibility over her. At first (like when I was 11), I was paid, but now I'm not. At all. Ever. And it sucks. There's "family duty" and then there is enslaving your children with your responsibility. My parents often complain about how I don't do anything and I'm not deserving. But, here I am, babysitting, watching my sister for hours a week with no pay. On top of that, my sister is autistic and so she actually needs additional care. It makes me mad sometimes, how I have to watch my sister. I don't mind watching her occasionally, but it is now a daily thing. Even when my parents are home I hear my father ask "What's your sister doing?" I sit there and think, "She's your daughter... Why don't you check?" But if I say that, he'll yell and tell me to look for her. If she does something while I am 'watching' her, then I get in trouble. If she does the same thing while they are 'watching' her, then she gets in trouble. Why the double standard? I caution parents against this. It is not a good idea to make your older child a caretaker. My 'babysitting' now is a first priority, even schoolwork comes second. If I say I have to study, my parents don't care. My sister comes first. I love her, but she isn't my kid. And on top of that, I watch her all of the time, have helped raise her... yet I often don't have 'power'. I tell her to do/not do something, and then my parents say, oh "You don't have to do that..." And where does that leave me? With absolutely no authority but all of the responsibility. Don't do it, I say. Every once in a while so you can see a movie is okay... but don't make it so it's, "We're going to the store. Bye."

DO NOT DO IT! I was about 11 when I became in charge of caring full time for my 6 year old brother... He was the apple of my mother's eyes and I was free labour (slave if you would like). I was expected to take excellent care of "Mr. jewel" and I was punished for my mistakes and shortcomings while my brother had absolutely no responsibility and was never punished (I still can remember one day that my mother beat me in front of my friends surprised eyes because I did not let my of a brother play with us). To this day, I still hate that douche bag brother of mine and I barely have a relationship with my mother (who would like a work project which took away the best years of her life and caused lots of headaches and pains for her. And who can have a relationship with her punishing boss that never liked her work!!!). Even now I have lots of psychological problems (like my absolute fear of having kids of my own and my hatred for children, specially little boys) that are haunting me to this date.

I was left alone from the age of 9 to babysit my sisters, at the time aged 5 and 3. My parents didn't trust babysitters. Usually it was for a few hours after school and most of Saturday until my Dad came home from work and I was usually responsible for getting supper ready for all of us. I resented it because I wasn't able to do anything (it didn't help that my mother was superstrict and usually didn't let me go to friends houses and never sleepovers until I was 11) and I continued to do it until I was 17 because my parents didn't trust my younger sisters not to kill eachother. My sisters, on the other hand, thought it was fantastic. Since I never badgered them about watching too much TV and I played house and dress-up with them (which Mom wouldn't allow because of the mess it made) they thought it was fun!

I agree with Loli, I have had to take care of my brothers for years, keep the house orderly & prepare meals. The parents are supposed to provide for you, not you for the parents... It's not supposed to be in the way that they have children in order to take care of the others or give the older ones something to do. They shouldn't have to have children to take care of the household chores. It messes up the kids, and then they have problems like me.

To clarify- I was 10 years old when my brother was born and was responsible for him from when he was about 9 mos on. we are not talking about babysitting here and there.