For instance, I enjoy watching the Olympics. Any young man who can hang from a set of rings while clad in a unitard so tight it looks sprayed on, deserves a medal. And those young women who can run like gazelles, jumping hurdles in between? Slap a gold, silver or bronze around their necks. (Although tell me there is a sale on paper towels one aisle over and I can leap tall corn can displays, with a shopping cart, in a single bound.) Recognition by one's peers is healthy for self esteem too. In my life I have received various awards that made me feel happy, satisfied, even smug. Most notably when I beat that snot, Stephanie, in the sixth grade spelling bee. I was gracious, even allowed her to actually touch my much larger trophy. (Although in later years I look back at the irony of winning on the word magnanimous.) Sports and spelling bees aside, I think there is no group of people alive who spend as much time honoring themselves as does the entertainment community. It used to be that the Oscars were THE big deal of the year. No more. The Oscars are now almost anticlimactic. By the time the statues are handed out this year, we will have been subjected to The Golden Globes, The Screen Actors' Guild, The People's Choice, Cable Ace Awards, Emmy (Day/Night), even the TV Guide Awards. So intent on honoring the "best" anything, it would not surprise me to turn on the TV and see a promo for The 1st Annual Celebrity Dental Floss Awards. (I just know Julia Roberts would be the front-runner.)
However, that said, I must admit that given the number of trophies, statues and odd shaped crystal pieces given out, I have been inspired to develop an awards ceremony honoring those individuals without whom the world would stop turning. MOMS. The AcadMOMMY Awards, to be exact. (The statuette is a gold plated Toilet Brush.) And since it is my awards show, I have humbly nominated myself in the following categories:
Best Actress: Cate Blanchett's emoting in The Aviator is amateur compared to my totally believable response when my daughter asked who ate the last Fudgesicle. And I definitely deserve a nod from the Academy for my dramatic pronouncement to my husband that, "Alas, I do not know what happened to your Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue, dear. I too, mourn its loss. Sigh."
Costume Design: Anyone who saw my handiwork for my daughter's school vocabulary parade would surely vote for me. The costumers for Troy may have had to drape a thousand extras in toga garb, but I had to transform a blue sweatsuit into "The Ocean Floor" armed only with a glue gun, some felt squares and a few plastic weeds from WalMart.
Art Design: Again showing my prowess with a glue gun, I fashioned a fool proof Leprechaun trap out of green paint, a shoe box and a flat piece of cardboard. (And if I don't win this category? It-is-an-honor-to-be-nominated' and I still got an A from the teacher. So there.)
Best Director: On the set of my homelife, I direct the activities of three children, one husband, a puppy and three fish daily. (And they are all visually presentable and still alive, thankyouverymuch.)
Best Make-up: I put nominated movie I,Robot to shame with my work in I,Ugly. Just ask my family about the metamorphosis that takes place in my bathroom each morning.
Foreign Language Film: An unexpected brush with my hot curling iron put me in the running for this award. The trail of verbiage that spewed from my mouth was definitely French.
Sound Editing: To heck with dramatic sound work in The Incredibles, for I excel each evening when I edit the sound of my husband's snoring with an incredible kick in his backside.
Two categories in which I have nominated family members are:
Visual Effects: My daughter Kendall for her performance of "It Came From The Deep" and the accompanying regurgitated Kool-Aid and hot dogs with which she decorated the shag carpet.
Sound Effects: Forget that Best Picture nominee from a few years back, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. My puppy Oreo is nominated for her audio work in Crouching Puppy, Hidden Poop.
I do hope you will be watching the 1st Annual AcadMOMMY Awards. My show may not have big name celebrities or designer dresses, but I can promise worthy nominees, a lot of women clad in sweatsuits and a walk down a red carpet.
(As if you had any doubt about the color of that Kool-Aid.)
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