Time for a family
In my 30s, I really didn't think about becoming a mother. I was very involved in my career and happy working seven days a week. Then it suddenly hit me as I got close to 40. Suddenly I wanted
to be a mother more than anything else in the world-nothing else seemed as important.
--Amy S., mother of Kate and soon-to-be mother of Alana
Claire is a 42-year-old physical therapist who also teaches at a large university. She is an independent, resourceful, and self-sufficient woman. She describes her life as hectic but happy. Yet
despite her happiness, Claire has begun to feel a sense of loss as she approaches 45.
"I always thought I would have a family. In some ways I still feel surprised that it didn't happen. But I guess over the last year I've been coming to terms with the fact that it didn't, and also
that unless I do something, it never will." Although Claire was thrilled to receive tenure at the university where she teaches, she felt her promotion had a certain hollow quality when she weighed
its importance against the satisfaction of being a parent. " I realized how much I'd always wanted to be a mom," she says.
At a conference Claire ran into an old friend who had adopted a daughter from Peru, and that meeting became the catalyst for Claire's exploration of adoption. After the conference, Claire stayed in
touch with her friend, and her interest in adoption grew.
"I think when I was younger," she says, "I was not ready to get married and begin a family. My own parents divorced when I was still in grade school, and my mother raised my brother and me on her
own. My father supported her financially but not emotionally, and I watched her struggle. I didn't want the same thing to happen to me."
As Claire has become closer to her former classmate and her adopted daughter, her feelings of loss over not having a child have intensified, yet she also feels some ambivalence about changing her
life in such a dramatic way. She wonders how raising a child would fit into her demanding career and active life. In particular how would being a parent affect her extensive conference schedule? "I
wonder if I can make the necessary changes to have a child in my life. Would I have the kind of quality time I would need to be a parent?" she asks, but then she concludes with this thought: "If I
don't look into it, I'll never know."
There are many paths that lead single people to consider adoption. For some there is a precipitating event: turning thirty-five, forty, or even fifty, the end of a marriage or close relationship, a
close friend's adopting or a relative's giving birth, the diagnosis of infertility. Some single people feel ready to parent but don't want to have a birth child with an unknown donor or with a
person with whom they are not in a close relationship. For others, it is not a single precipitating event that propels them to consider adoption, but rather a growing desire to create a family and
be a parent. Like Claire, I felt satisfied with many aspects of my life as a single person before I adopted my children. Yet I, too, felt that something was lacking. I knew I didn't want to be
eighty and have missed the experience of being a parent. I felt strongly about wanting a child, yet my ambivalence was also great. I was so uncertain about adopting that even as I was about to
board the plane to pick up my son from El Salvador, I clutched my friend's arm and asked, "Do you really think I should do this?"
Questions and doubts
Once I began counseling prospective single adoptive parents, I discovered that this mix of fear and excitement wasn't unique. Like Claire, people come to me with strong and conflicting emotions,
hope and fear being the primary combatants. They often say that although they long for a child, they are not sure that adoption will work for them.
You may have picked up this book with many of the same questions and uncertainties that bring prospective parents to my office. As you explore the decision that is right for you, you will gain
insight and tools that should help you to avoid the predicament that Claire had found herself in for many years before coming to see me. "For years I was on the fence," she explained. "I'd get
close to thinking I was ready to adopt and then all of the old fearful voices would come back. And so I'd panic and do nothing. And then I'd become depressed at the thought of never having
Caught in a state of limbo, Claire could neither grieve the loss of the child she would never have and move forward with her life, nor could she make plans to become a parent.
As people like Claire begin to seriously explore the possibilities of adoption, some who felt certain that they would adopt may realize that adoption is not the right choice for them, at least at
this time in their lives. They may decide that before they adopt, they need to get other aspects of their lives in order: their job, finances, living situation, or their feelings about being
single. Other people who felt skeptical about their readiness or ability to adopt a child may begin to feel that they are ready to go forward.
Reasons for adopting
It is important to look at who you are, what you want, and what your resources are before you begin the adoption process. As Claire said: "Adopting a child isn't like buying a car. You can't just
bring it back if you realize you don't want it." Sometimes it may seem unfair that people who want to adopt must go through so much scrutiny, when millions of parents have birth children without
even thinking about it.
In some ways, however, as adoptive parents we are lucky to have the opportunity to evaluate our decision to parent thoroughly before going forward. One doesn't have to complete a course on
communication and intimacy to get a marriage license either, but imagine how much better off some people might be if they did. Whether or not you ultimately choose to adopt, you certainly will
learn a great deal about yourself and your goals and priorities by going through the adoption decision-making process.
In the process of looking into adoption, people often ask whether there are right and wrong reasons for wanting to adopt. The reasons you want to adopt a child will probably be complicated and
diverse. And although there are no right or wrong feelings regarding adoption, there are some desires and expectations attached to adoption that may cause problems, especially when these desires
and expectations seem to predominate. (See Exercises 2 and 3 at end of this chapter.)
Having concerns is a normal part of the process. As one woman put it, "You'd be crazy not to have some fears. After all, this decision will affect the rest of your life. You can sell a house, you
can get a divorce if you realize you've made a mistake, but once you're a parent, you're a parent forever." in Exercise 4 at the end of this chapter you will have the opportunity to explore in
greater depth some of your fears and concerns about adopting.
In order to feel comfortable about being single parents, we need to be at peace with being single. That doesn't mean we may not hope to find a partner eventually. But we need to recognize that
children can never fill the role of a partner or confidant, nor should they be expected to provide adult companionship for their parent. Such expectations place an unfair burden on a child, and
they can lead to complications and heartache for you both. Although we all hope to have a close and mutually fulfilling relationship with our children, if you sense that what you are really looking
for is adult companionship, you should address these needs with a therapist before adopting.
Other issues may arise when a person has had an unhappy childhood and by adopting hopes to create the kind of family she never had. This feeling may be a factor in choosing to parent, but it can
cause problems if it is a primary reason. Not only is it unfair to live through your child in this way, but you may also enter parenthood with unrealistic expectations of being the perfect parent
and creating a perfect family. Unrealistic expectations of either yourself as a parent or of your child can lead to tension and disappointment. They can also get in the way of developing a close
and lasting bond with your child.
Related to this desire to create an "ideal family" is something the director of an adoption agency called a "savior complex." If you feel that by adopting you are on a mission to save the world,
you may be setting yourself up for disappointment and placing pressure on your child as well. Your child may feel he always needs to act happy and grateful. If you want to do something noble,
donate money to a good charity rather than adopting. If you sense the "savior complex" is at work examine your feelings carefully to find ways to be more realistic and balanced in your conception
of what it means to be a parent.
Single people who adopt, like couples who choose to parent, do so because they want to love, nurture, and form a deep connection with a child. They want to create a family. They feel that parenting
will give them a sense of fulfillment. Single people who adopt usually think very carefully about how their decision will affect their child. It is not a decision made lightly) or in haste. Having
run decision-making groups, I know how single people grapple with all the issues surrounding their decision to parent, including how their child will feel about being raised by a single parent.