See, it's not just us who are ready to shoot hot glue guns into our eyeballs from spending too much time on Pinterest.
The supremely capable Anne Hathaway confessed to Ellen DeGeneres that she was deeply intimidated when she made the mistake of roving crafty mothers' Pinterest boards while looking for inspiration for her 1-year-old son's birthday party.
"We tried to keep it pretty low-key. We kept the theme just rainbows, which is a fun theme because it's hard to go wrong with it," Hathaway told DeGeneres (and Colossal co-star Jason Sudeikis). "But I made the mistake — I went on Pinterest and looked at other people's 1-year-old parties. It's not fair what some people do. You know, some party-planners have children, which is definitely not fair. Think about it. They blow it out!"
So Hathaway went with a simple rainbow theme — smart move. Stripes! Color! Hard to screw up. Good call. And we're guessing her son, Jonathan, was probably perfectly happy with his party since he can't even say, "Rainbow," or "Party," yet.
Still, we feel Hathaway's pain. We have all had those moments of piercing insecurity and pure parent fail when faced with Pinterest craft goddesses and their kids' parties that rival a shindig put on by the British monarchy or a fete at Jay Z and Beyoncé's after the Grammys.
Because none of us here will ever be able to achieve more than a lopsided homemade train cake and a Shrek piñata from the Dollar Store for our own offspring, we hereby give props (and some eye rolls) to the few, the crafty and the mildly insane parents who spare no expense or effort to celebrate their spawn's continuing life cycles.
The farm-to-table kiddie dinner party
Because what child isn't invested in becoming a locavore? What kid wouldn't love to celebrate humanely raised Welsh hogs, free-range chickens and organic greenhouse radishes with their best preschool buddies? And that vintage china should only run you about $300. Don't forget the mint sprigs tied with delicate pink twine. Not string. It must be twine.
The literary-inspired kids' party
Be sure to choose only the most classic children's literature as a theme. Everybody Poops will not cut the mustard. And besides, isn't your child worth the expense of a year of online art classes so you can hand-draw and watercolor raccoon masks on parchment and create paper-mache miniature wardrobes as party favors? We think you know the answer.
The s'mores-filled indoor forest gala
Gone are the days of latex balloons popping terrifyingly in the car on the way home from the supermarket. Today's children's parties up the thrill factor by requiring Mom or Dad to haul out the old family chainsaw and hack away at unfortunate local trees. Be sure to invest in steel-toed footwear and goggles first so you're not limping and blinded when it comes to removing all the furniture from your living room and assembling this magical campsite (complete with faux flames!) for your child and their friends to enjoy for 12 minutes before they start whacking each other with mini logs. Someone will poke an eye out, but it will have been worth it.
On the bright side: We may not have the party-planning chops that some parents do, but hey, at least we're not this bad, either:
That's one for Peter's scrapbook for sure.
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