We know you’re not that interested in all in those — What were they again? Kittens? Succulents? Oh, right, now we remember — twins that our royal monarch Beyoncé is set to drop sometime in 2017.
But Bey just won’t stop with all the photo love, so what are we supposed to do?Not be all up in her Beyhive? We already guessed using our super-psychic-celeb powers that she will be gracing the planet with a boy and a girl — thanks to her fondness for tucking away clues and portents in her social media photos. So what can we glean from the brand-new photo album that followed up her huge Instagram pregnancy reveal yesterday?
This pregnancy photo shoot is rich, people. It is a visual treasure hunt the likes of which we have never seen. And it's hella confusing. We'll save you the trouble of deciphering all the symbolism. (We have a lot of art history majors working here.) We’ll do the dirty work and answer your pressing questions so you can just sit back, sip your macchiato and pass off our predictions of the Bey-bies as your own.
What's with the poem "I Have Three Hearts"?
Oh, you mean:
venus has flooded me,
second planet from the sun,
i wake up on her foamy shore.
she wants to take me to meet my children.
i’ve done this before i’m still nervous
Beyoncé enlisted poet Warsan Shire to write her birth poem. Shire also helped with Lemonade. What? You didn't hire a poet to commemorate your impending birth? Hurry, they're going like hotcakes.
But what does the poem mean?
You guys. OK, it's like this. The title totally means, like, the fleshy part of Beyoncé is encasing not just her own heart. But, like, the twins’ hearts too. We know, you never would have gotten that without us.
And as for the Venus stuff, well, it means that neither Warsan Shire nor Beyoncé is an astronomer, because what is with the foamy shore? Fact: There is no foamy shore on Venus. There's, like, no water there at all. Venus is, however, the hottest planet. And Beyoncé is the hottest of all the things that ever were and will be. Plus, pregnancy and its hormones can make you susceptible to all kinds of weird girl part ailments. So Bey, if you're experiencing "foamy shores" or a thick and toxic atmosphere down there like the planet Venus, maybe tell your gyno, not your personal birth poet laureate.
And then there's the broke-ass, fire truck-red, weed-puking car she's lying on. What up with that?
Clearly, she and Jay Z conceived these critters in the backseat of a car in a junkyard just to keep things spicy. Celebs: They're just like us.
Seriously, the flowers. All the flowers. What is going on?
Bey and Jay and high hopes that both children will be horticulturists. Mark our words.
And how about the fake cloud backdrop partially obscuring what seems to be Downton Abbey?
Well, duh. Heaven is a place on Earth. But it has to a place on Earth that's luxe enough for modern-day royalty.
What’s with the underwater scarf dance?
Water birth. Definitely a water birth. The twins will tumble forth from her foamy nether-regions into liquid, probably an infinity edge pool of Champagne or straight into the Caribbean Sea, where they will frolic with dolphins and sea turtles before surfacing to take their first breaths.
No, really. What’s with the underwater scarf dance?
She… has become… the sperm. It is her homage to the Carter seed. Because he was totally feeling left out at this point in the photo shoot.
And the hand-painted floral drugstore pantyhose on her arms and legs? And that Egyptian mannequin head?
Do we have to spell everything out for you? Jeez. That’s so obvious. It’s — OK, fine, we were totally stumped by these items as well, but it will all become clear very soon.
The black and white shots with a completely soaked white dress and (yawn) more flowers?
This portends lots and lots of amniotic fluid. Her lady waters will break naturally, heralding the imminent arrival of the mini-saviors of 2017. There will be so much water, in fact, hydroponic gardening will spontaneously occur, and flowers will spring up everywhere within a 5-mile radius of the birth.
Blue Ivy giving her mommy’s gold belly ring the stank eye while clutching pink and white roses?
Yeah, I think we know who’s getting the thorns in this deal: poor Blue Ivy. The way her little fists strangle pink and white roses indicates she already especially hates her little sister, who shall henceforth be addressed as Pink Rosita.
And the naked pics?
That’s called “celebrity,” dears.
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