Because we love you, we've combed through our year's worth of funny parenting tweets and picked the real standouts. Enjoy.
I don't scare easily but I'm petrified when I see my 3rd grader walking towards me with his math homework & an inquisitive look on his face.— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) December 13, 2016
How is it the year 2016 and I still have to do a "bedtime routine" instead of shooting my kids with a non-toxic gmo free sedative dart gun— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) November 30, 2016
My son calls chicken nuggets "snack chicken" and I think it's high time we all do too.— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) November 7, 2016
Look, I've got all these kids, my eyebrows are just going to have to be terrible for now.— Mysterious Missy (@MissyFRose) October 25, 2016
There's nothing I've learned from being a father that I couldn't just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.— The Grapes of Meh (@TheAlexNevil) October 8, 2016
My kids are outside finger painting so I'm just going to take a nice, quiet moment of sheer anxiety about what I'll find when they're done.— SammichesPsychMeds (@SamPsychMeds) October 4, 2016
My 6yo just claimed she'll suffocate if her feet are covered because she breathes through them.— Kristen Mae (@AbandonPretense) September 14, 2016
As an example of Grace Under Pressure I tell my kids about the tee-ball game where I wet my pants on 1st & then calmly denied it.— Eileen Curtright (@eileencurtright) September 6, 2016
"I did it!" Toddler proudly, after throwing the snack she just asked for away.— Jennifer White (@yenniwhite) August 24, 2016
*new potential mom friend*— Mom Psychologist (@mompsychologist) August 18, 2016
Her: Peppa Pig is aw-
Me: Awesome! I know. We watch it every d-
Me: Do you like wine?
My kid wanted to throw a dime in a wishing well, like some kind of oil baron. I don't think so. You get one penny. Make the fucker count.— Corners (@AverageCorners) August 1, 2016
Working on my toddler bedtime concession speech. I fought a good fight, but in the end, running around screaming appeals to the demographic.— Resting Mitch Face (@Keurfuffle) July 25, 2016
Oh, your kid is spending the week at Junior Iron Chef camp? I slept in today so mine made themselves a breakfast of "ice soup."— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) July 19, 2016
Before kids: Quiet children seems like a nice goal.— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) July 12, 2016
After kids: What's the medical term for "fear of quiet children" because I have that.
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