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If you don’t know what your family’s Halloween costume is, why are you even here?

Claire Zulkey wonders when she'll ever get used to the idea that she has two boys. She is the author of two books for young people, An Off Year and Best Frenemies. She and her filmmaker husband live in Evanston, IL. You can find out more...

Do you have your family’s group Halloween costume figured out yet? Well, do you?!

So, what is your family going to be for Halloween this year?

No, I don’t mean what are your kids going to be. That’s so quaint. And no, obviously, you are not allowed to just slap on a semi-ironic witch hat for the third year in a row.

What I mean is, what is your family costume, your group costume? Because if you’re not doing a family getup, what on earth are you even doing?

You know what I’m talking about. You are Princess Leia, your husband is Han Solo, the older kid is Chewie and the baby is Yoda. Maybe you are a hot dog, your husband is a hamburger and the baby is a ketchup bottle. Or, you and the kids are the four seasons or something — that’s, of course, if you’re barely trying.

More: 10 totally adorable nerd families who nailed the group costume

Why are we doing group costumes now? Because by getting a group costume together, you demonstrate the following things:

  1. You are clever.
  2. You are organized enough to get this all planned ahead of time.
  3. Your children are so docile, they will listen to your Halloween ideas and set aside their own wishes to dress up like Pokémon or whatever.
  4. Your marriage is strong enough to withstand this.
  5. You own Instagram and Facebook. You own it!

More: The best Halloween songs for kids (that parents can actually dance to)

Now, assuming you are able to prove the previous five points, there is only one other hurdle you need to jump: the threat of other moms who are even more clever, organized and maternal than you are. So consider a few options to throw your enemies off.

  • Announce that you just can’t “deal” with Halloween this year and you’ll all just be going as ghosts. This will make other parents let their guard down and not bring their A-game. Then, on Oct. 31 — blammo!
  • Start a few Pinterest boards highlighting red herring costumes that “everybody” will be doing. If you can convince enough moms that this year it’ll be the hottest thing to dress up as first-generation iPhones, the Octomom or the cast of Jersey Shore, your idea will look fresh by comparison.
  • Start a rumor that this year, Halloween is on November 1.

Whatever you do, don’t take your eye off the prize. Halloween is not for kids, and it’s not for fun. It’s a contest, and you are going to crush it this year.

Before you go, check out our slideshow below.

Do you have your family’s group Halloween costume figured out yet? Well, do you?!
Image: SheKnows
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