Caillou (pronounced Cai-yoo) is a Canadian children’s cartoon that has migrated to the United States. If you’ve never had the Caillou experience, count yourself lucky.
To be sure, parents of young children hate Caillou, but it's an established, scientific fact that people all over the blogosphere hate Caillou as well. And, by established, scientific fact, I mean it's on Facebook. That's practically the same thing, right? Check out this Facebook page that is dedicated to people who "bleeping" hate Caillou.
I’d heard plenty about the evils of Caillou from my Facebook mom groups, and I was smug in the knowledge that while my kids binge-watched annoying shows like Dora and Paw Patrol, they hadn’t yet discovered Caillou.
Yeah, I was delusional. Little did I know, it was only a matter of time before my little darlings discovered how to download an episode of Caillou on to my Kindle Fire...
I have two 5-year-olds, which is right about in Caillou’s target demographic. They, of course, love that bald little whineypants that all parents love to hate. Scratch that. Parents simply hate Caillou.
Here are 29 reasons why:
1. The theme song is super freaking annoying.
2. Once you hear the super freaking annoying theme song, it will play on a loop in your head for the next four hours and make you want to stab yourself with a fork.
3. The opening song lyrics are stupid and don’t make any sense:
“Growing up is not so tough, except when I’ve had enough, but there’s lots of fun stuff… I’m Caillou… Caillouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.”
Except when I’ve had enough? What does that even mean? I’d be seriously alarmed if my kids were to sing a song of woe such as this. Also, he says his name about 48 times in the theme song. Okay, actually six, but it sure seems like more.
4. Caillou’s bald head sucks you into thinking he’s got cancer. Nope. You start off your Caillou experience feeling just a little sorry for the sick kid and then you find out he’s actually perfectly healthy and you feel a little gypped… that’s not just me, right?
5. There’s no explanation for why this kid has no hair. I NEED EXPLANATIONS!
6. The whining… obviously. This kid is the whiniest kid on the planet.
7. If your childless friends accidentally watch an episode of Caillou, it will make them think twice about ever reproducing. Seriously, 30 seconds of watching Caillou could cause someone’s tubes to tie themselves!
8. No one has eyelashes, and that’s just weird.
9. His nose is annoying.
10. The United States might have to claim Donald Trump, but Canada should be equally embarrassed by Caillou.
11. He’s ruined mandarin collars for everyone FOREVER.
12. The episodes often begin with a grandma narrating a story about Caillou to two kids. Caillou is a doll. “Doll Caillou” wears overalls with no shirt. WHY?
13. The cat is weird and creepy. Sometimes he’s a puppet — a talking puppet — and sometimes he’s just a regular cat. He switches back and forth between the two without explanation. Of course.
14. Caillou’s family members are strange. Seriously, what kind of grandmother brings over a basket of “olive treats” to give to little kids? What happened to cookies?
15. Too. Many. Primary. Colors. I spend most of the episode wondering what’s up with their bizarre color scheme in the kitchen. It helps block out the whine.
16. This kid sets a terrible example for how to treat a sibling. Caillou has a little sister, Rosie. I’m waiting for the episode where teenage Caillou stabs Rosie in her sleep.
17. The freaking puppets make no sense.
18. It’s confusing. The grandmother narrates the story… except when the cat puppet narrates the story. And the cat can only talk when he’s in puppet mode. Why???
19. The grandmother’s voice. She sounds like she’s trying to imitate Marilyn Monroe. Just no.
20. Caillou’s strange, random giggling for no apparent reason makes me stabby.
21. There’s zero educational value to this show. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying a show purely for the entertainment value, but this one? No.
22. The episodes are pointless. There are no teachable moments, no lessons learned and no clear morals to the story… just randomly weird strings of boring events that end abruptly and awkwardly.
23. The totally unrealistic portrayal of motherhood. During the episode where Caillou gets chicken pox, Mom just sits there chilling in the living room (I mean… where is her phone?) when Caillou trots out of his bedroom and shows her his spot-laden torso. Mom doesn’t bat an eyelash — mostly because she has no eyelashes — and blandly announces Caillou has chicken pox and needs to go back to bed. She shows absolutely zero dismay that she’ll be locked in the house with Sir Whines-a-Lot for the next week or so.
24. Speaking of Caillou’s mom, what’s up with that ruffle around the neckline?
25. Aaand, she needs a better bra… or maybe she just needs to adjust her straps a little. With all the options available today in foundation garments, no one’s ta-tas need to droop like that — even in cartoon land.
26. There’s no episode that shows Caillou getting punched in his whiny little mouth. Come on… you know you want to see that, too.
27. Caillou throws a tantrum when he doesn’t get his way — and so will your kids if they watch enough of this show.
28. Caillou is the reason so much wine is consumed in this house. Okay, maybe that’s a stretch, but we’ll go with it. As much as we try to practice Caillou avoidance, my kids really like the show and sometimes I cave in. So, cheers.
29. Because Caillou just plain sucks.
Are you a fellow Caillou hater? Are you giving me virtual fist bumps in solidarity right about now? Turns out, there are entire Facebook communities dedicated to Caillou-bashing. A simple search in Facebook gives you lots of options to join other parents who loathe this whine-tastic cartoon boy.
I'm not alone in my stance on Caillou. And, neither are you.
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