By the third kid you're not sensitive and if Hitler offered to babysit you'd be like "K. What's your rate?"— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) December 29, 2015
Spending all this time with my 5 children has made me contemplate putting a criminal defense attorney on retainer.— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) December 27, 2015
Kids looking at Simon Says game: so how does it work? me: you press the buttons and follow the sequence. Kids: so it doesn't have wifi?— M¥£€§ (@inigoomontoya) December 28, 2015
Parenting is finding a peeled banana in the cupboard and getting yelled at by your toddler 4 days later because it's gone.— Court (@Discourt) December 21, 2015
If people had to put 2 toddlers in full snow gear before having unprotected sex, pregnancy rates would drop by 35% immediately. #science— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) December 29, 2015
@willgoldstein I hear ya— The Wiggly Tendrils (@wigglytendrils) December 26, 2015
Made it to that level of dad where I get a text message from Justice clothing store when they have a sale.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) December 28, 2015
If I fart, blame it on one of the kids, and they claim it, am I now off the hook?— Johnny T (@TheGeekyNimrod) December 28, 2015
My kids are finally old enough to help me shovel the driveway and I now understand the magic of parenthood.— Carbosly (@Carbosly) December 29, 2015
My son just yelled STOP POKING MY TURD. I really need to start checking their XBox game ratings more thoroughly.— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) December 29, 2015
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