These little torture devices exist for one of two possible reasons: 1. You've always dreamed of having a miniature prostitute (we'll let Freud handle that one) or 2. You hate your child.
Have a bald baby? No problem; you can fix that alarming lack of hair with a baby wig. There is a range of options that will instantly turn your little nugget into a mini news anchor. "What a professional-looking baby," everyone will gush.
Confession: This is actually oddly practical but, yes, sucking snot out of your baby's nose via a tube is a little weird. A little less drastic, but also a tad weird are the Boogie Snatcher nose cleaning tweezers. Think about this for a minute: It's a pair of tweezers exclusively dedicated to snot extraction.
This is what happens when weirdness and hilarity meet — a pacifier that makes your baby look like they have a moustache. The styles include a ladies man, a gentleman and a cowboy.
Do you know what's weird? Sticking your baby in a plastic nappy harness with a handle. Especially if it still makes you bend down to roughly the height that your baby's arms would reach if you just held them. What's more, the instructions warn to keep children away "from flammable substances since the material for Moon Walk is combustible." So it's a fire hazard, too. Awesome.
Most parents have eight fingers and two thumbs with which to apply nappy cream. There is no shortage of digits that can be used before you need to resort to a small plastic paddle. The product designers claim that it rids you of the hassle of cleaning your hands after a nappy change, which, if not alarming enough on its own, is made redundant by the fact that you have to clean the brush instead.
Pooping and gas make up a lot of early parenthood time and rhetoric (in truth, newborn babies don't do a whole lot more). Still, a device that you stick up a baby's butt to help release wind is a little weird. The jury is still out on whether the cartoon packaging makes it more or less creepy.
Nobody likes getting peed on. The solution? A small paper teepee that can be placed on your baby boy's pecker. Two problems here: 1. Babies are far too mobile for that to ever work. 2. You own tissues, right? No need for this then… unless your baby's stream is strong enough to throw the teepee up in the air and make it twirl like a ball on a fountain, in which case, at least you'll get some entertainment value.
Your baby is not a mop.
Why a baby might need a dust mask and why that mask looks like something from The Silence of the Lambs are questions that remain unanswered and unexplained.
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