Fellow moms, I'm serious. If you have run out of shows to binge-watch on Netflix, head on over to Amazon. In the world of baby products especially, where parents are known to take life very, very seriously (myself included), drama is sure to unfold in the product review section.
Get out the popcorn. These angry customer reviews are going to be good:
If you have ever said to yourself, "I don't know what amber is, but I hate this necklace," this could be the baby product for you. The lone, disappointed reviewer says, "I don't know what amber looks like, but this necklace looks more like plastic beads than amber stone. If it had actually come with the certificate of authenticity, as advertised, I would be more satisfied, but I purchased two necklaces, and none of them came with the certificate. Very upset and would return if I could."
Confession: I always wanted to put my baby in one of these head-umbrella contraptions for the sheer comedic relief, but I never got around to buying one. Now I feel justified after one reviewer explains, "You're about to buy a Styrofoam plate. Just take a Styrofoam plate and cut a hole in it, save yourself the money."
In my favorite review title in the history of ever, Dawn Haddaway writes, "Where there is smoke... There is UH-OH." Haddaway, a mom who should probably work in advertising with creative writing talents like that, continues, "The 2-year-old is in the tub, and I am listening carefully as moms do. I hear the dreaded, 'SMOKE… Mommy, SMOKE.' Yes, this little number was smoking while hanging on the side of the tub."
Am I the only parent who had a good experience with my Bumbo and still recommends it to all my friends? Apparently, yes. Reviewers warn that this product is not expert recommended and not worth the price. Mai Nguyen went so far as to post a picture of her four-month-old baby squished all up inside the Bumbo to prove how terrible it is, but all I can think is: adorable.
A breast pump is supposed to suck, but it isn't supposed to suck. See the difference? One reviewer captures my sentiment exactly. Katie Mazza writes, "Sucks and not the way it should! I'd have given it zero stars if I could. This thing is a piece of absolute junk. My pump died, and I bought this one to replace it. It worked for a total of four pumping sessions."
To paraphrase one irate reviewer: Whoever made these cloth diapers should be arrested and sent to jail! Sound harsh? Leon O. Mullis explains his unyielding cloth diaper standards in his "NOT A DIAPER!!!" one-star review, "IT SHOULD BE ILLEGAL TO CALL THIS A DIAPER. It was bought as a gift for my newborn great-grandson's parents, and when I saw it, I was ashamed of myself for buying it. It is of poor quality, just thin gauze, and I have no idea as to how it could be used."
Hold on to your seats, parents, because these toe-curling crib reviews are going to freak you the funk out. Jeffery S. Byrd says, "I laid my 7-month-old baby in the bed for a nap. I heard a scream like I never heard before. I rushed in and found my baby on the floor. The platform that holds the mattress broke, and my infant was on the floor pinned by the platform and mattress." Oh. My. God. Another unhappy reviewer adds, "It has always been a great crib. My daughter still used it up until recently. She was under the weight limit, and the bottom cracked. Thankfully, she was not hurt."
This hook-on high chair is a great idea, if you think your baby can spare a finger. Marcia says, "I've had this high chair for two months now and have loved it up until yesterday. My 6-month-old daughter got her finger stuck in one of the three circular metal hoop tabs on the front of the seat. Thankfully, I didn't just grab her out of the seat when I noticed her screaming in pain. She caught her tiny finger up inside one of these hoops and was trying desperately to pull it out. Once I finally managed to dislodge her finger, I noticed that her blood vessels were broken in the tip of her finger."
You know what every new mom needs? A nursing pillow that makes breastfeeding even harder. According to Aileen14, if using this nursing pillow doesn't kill you, it will only make you stronger. "I have to say that this pillow didn't really amaze me. I think it made the nursing process more difficult for me. Regular pillows were much more effective because I was able to prop little one up higher and closer to me. This pillow has a tendency to make you lean and slouch while nursing, which equals major discomfort and improper form."
At first glance, we see that this stroller has been suspiciously discontinued by the manufacturer. Maybe it's because of its tendency to swallow up little children like a Venus fly trap. One pissed-off parent explains, "This stroller has now three times collapsed with my son inside it. The first two times, I thought it was my fault — that I maybe did not push the metal open all of the way when unfolding it. WRONG. We hit a bump on the sidewalk, and it completely folded with my son in the seat."
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