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A guide to passing your holiday food baby off as a pregnancy

Theresa Edwards

by

Shark Wrestler

Theresa Edwards is a freelance writer and professional whiner. She lives in Dallas, Texas with her family where she enjoys reading, roller derby, and complaining about the heat.

No one will ever need to know the truth about your 'bump'

Why should pregnant broads get all of the attention? Don't hide your beautiful food baby under Spanx.

I don't know about you guys, but when it comes to holiday eating, I am unapologetic. There is time enough to do the backbreaking work of getting not fat or whatever when it starts to warm up in the New Year. As far as I'm concerned, there is a reason that fall clothing is all stretchy, comfortable leggings and forgiving sweaters, and that reason is so that we can all be unabashed about holiday overindulgence.

Of course, not everyone feels the same way. Maybe your mom's favorite pastime is fat-shaming you. Maybe your Uncle Stan won't shut up about how "healthy around the middle" you are. The way I see it is you have two choices here: You can pretend you don't like cookies to make everyone else around you more comfortable, or you can take my advice and pass your growing holiday food baby off as an actual baby so that people will shut up and leave you alone.

1. Act really, really offended if anyone suggests that you've put on weight

No one will ever need to know the truth about your 'bump'

Photo Credit: Giphy.com

Don't even dignify this with excuses. Just look affronted and come back with something like, "Don't you think that's a little over the line?" Let that hang in the air without explanation. The key to a successful panda-style fake pregnancy is to never explicitly say that you are pregnant, so that no one can accuse you of lying.

2. Start wearing maternity clothes just for the heck of it

No one will ever need to know the truth about your 'bump'

Photo Credit: Giphy.com

Think of how great this will be. First, you can justify spending an obscene amount of money on what essentially amounts to pants with an elastic waistband by wearing them again. Second, you and your food baby will enjoy an extremely comfortable "pregnancy."

3. When you get really bad gas, say "Oh! It's moving"

No one will ever need to know the truth about your 'bump'

Photo Credit: Giphy.com

If you're particularly brave, you can invite perplexed relatives to press their palms against your stomach as it burbles unhappily.

4. At every opportunity, lovingly caress your swelling abdomen

No one will ever need to know the truth about your 'bump'

Photo Credit: Giphy.com

Embrace your changing body by adopting a doe-eyed expression and running your hands over your wine gut protectively.

5. If anyone dare side-eye you for heading back to the dessert buffet, tell them you are eating for two

No one will ever need to know the truth about your 'bump'

Photo Credit: Giphy.com

Again, it's best not to expand on this comment. Maybe you are eating for two. You are eating for you, and then eating vicariously for your dumb cousin, who isn't as smart as you and is taking Jillian Michaels' advice about taking it easy on the sweets this year.

6. Excuse yourself from the after dinner cleanup by claiming fatigue and heading upstairs to lie down

No one will ever need to know the truth about your 'bump'

Photo Credit: Giphy.com

Pregnant ladies get perks like impromptu naps, so make sure that you do exactly that. Let your confused relatives take care of the dishes. You're busy creating gastrointestinal life, OK?

More on ways to make a food baby

Homemade hot chocolate recipes
Christmas tree and candy cane shaped pizza
Decadent holiday cookie recipes

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