I don't know about you guys, but when it comes to holiday eating, I am unapologetic. There is time enough to do the backbreaking work of getting not fat or whatever when it starts to warm up in the New Year. As far as I'm concerned, there is a reason that fall clothing is all stretchy, comfortable leggings and forgiving sweaters, and that reason is so that we can all be unabashed about holiday overindulgence.
Of course, not everyone feels the same way. Maybe your mom's favorite pastime is fat-shaming you. Maybe your Uncle Stan won't shut up about how "healthy around the middle" you are. The way I see it is you have two choices here: You can pretend you don't like cookies to make everyone else around you more comfortable, or you can take my advice and pass your growing holiday food baby off as an actual baby so that people will shut up and leave you alone.
Don't even dignify this with excuses. Just look affronted and come back with something like, "Don't you think that's a little over the line?" Let that hang in the air without explanation. The key to a successful panda-style fake pregnancy is to never explicitly say that you are pregnant, so that no one can accuse you of lying.
Think of how great this will be. First, you can justify spending an obscene amount of money on what essentially amounts to pants with an elastic waistband by wearing them again. Second, you and your food baby will enjoy an extremely comfortable "pregnancy."
If you're particularly brave, you can invite perplexed relatives to press their palms against your stomach as it burbles unhappily.
Embrace your changing body by adopting a doe-eyed expression and running your hands over your wine gut protectively.
Again, it's best not to expand on this comment. Maybe you are eating for two. You are eating for you, and then eating vicariously for your dumb cousin, who isn't as smart as you and is taking Jillian Michaels' advice about taking it easy on the sweets this year.
Pregnant ladies get perks like impromptu naps, so make sure that you do exactly that. Let your confused relatives take care of the dishes. You're busy creating gastrointestinal life, OK?
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