Who hasn't swapped out something desirable for something nasty? Whether you're telling your child that the beef tongue they're eating is actually just pork or pretending to throw light-up glitter heels into your shopping cart only to switch them for Keds later, you're still a lying liar, and I love you for it.
Mmmm, delicious. Arguably one of the best parts of being a parent is that it's your turn to make a little kid do stuff they don't want to. Which is why you will massage yogurt down your throat, muscle it past your gag reflex, and sigh blissfully to try and get your kid to eat this gross crap too.
We haven't had AA batteries in this house since last Christmas. "I'm really sad that the store stopped selling every kind of batteries, sweetheart. You'll just have to play with that toy sans the shrieking, inane song and seizure inducing lights."
Someone is going to get mad at me for saying that kids aren't that smart. But if someone tried to steal my nose, there's no way I'd fall for it. Just saying.
"What, you didn't realize that the ice cream truck only plays music when it's out of ice cream? The world is a cruel, misleading place, set against a tinkling, malicious pipe organ version of 'The Entertainer.'"
No other human being in the world would unload the dishwasher, fold laundry and clean toilets for three bucks a week. That's chump change.
"Chili's only sells literal chilies. You don't like those, because they are spicy. Ergo, we're skipping Chili's. Maybe we could swing by T.G.I. Friday's, but oh, damn, it's only Tuesday. They aren't open. Tough luck, kiddo."
At some point, you will make like Michelle Duggar and palm off child care duties to another one of your kids. Or you'll convince the older one that they have to "set a good example" for the younger one. I only have one kid but I managed to convince her that she loves her cousin so much that nothing in the world is more fun than changing his diaper.
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