If you’ve ever had a bad roommate before, then congratulations — you’re ready to parent a toddler. Sure, you thought you were getting an adorable, cuddly companion when you gave birth to your bundle of joy, but that is far from the truth. Living with a toddler can be fun at times, but depending on the day of the week, it just might be hell on earth.
I know exactly what I’m talking about because I have two toddlers. My husband and I both work full-time from home, which is why we decided to have two sons close in age. They’re just 16 months apart. I promise you that I’m not crazy (since having two toddlers was a conscious decision on my part), though I just might be going crazy now after spending months with two unpredictable kids, a husband and two dogs under one roof.
Thank God I have my crash course in early-20s-roommate-living to fall back on. I wouldn’t say I was the model roommate. In fact, sometimes I was pretty inconsiderate and would like to formally apologize to my old roommates for using all of their cleaning supplies and not buying my own. (Sorry, guys! Dick move!) And, of course, I had my share of bad roommates. I also had my share of “bonus” bad roommates, aka roommates’ boyfriends who set up shop in our living room and decided to never, ever leave. Kind of like my toddlers.
Here are 12 ways your toddler is just like the roommate from hell:
1. Keeps you up sobbing late at night
Your roommate just broke up with her boyfriend and won’t shut up. Or, maybe it’s just your toddler who wants a drink of water at 2 a.m.
2. Pees the bed after drinking a lot
After your toddler gets that precious drink of water, he or she will promptly pee the bed. Come to think of it, that sounds a lot like my old roommate after a night of drinking.
3. Uses all the hot water
This is advanced roommate/toddler warfare. They will break you down slowly by making sure you never have a hot shower again.
4. Poops in the tub
If your roommate ever did this, you have my condolences. As a parent of a toddler… shit happens.
5. Never puts the dishes away
Both toddlers and roommates will never master this essential life skill. Parenting only extends your slave-like relationship to the dishwasher.
6. Won't let you change the channel, ever
Just like every bad roommate I’ve had, my toddler presses all the buttons on the remote and insists on watching a mind-numbing show for the tenth time in a row. Jesus, take the wheel.
7. Throws food on the floor
Messy roommates, messy toddlers = same, same.
8. Always takes the last Popsicle
Always, always, always.
9. Talks indecipherably for hours
The creepy roommate who slumps on the couch and mumbles nonsense is eerily reminiscent of my toddler whispering to himself while he plays with blocks.
10. Borrows your favorite things and never gives them back
Everything I once loved has been thrown off the porch by my toddler. The rest of the things that I loved now belong to my old roommates.
11. Never chips in on bills
My roommates used to be suspiciously busy whenever bill time came around each month. My toddler just stares at me blankly and tries to throw the utility bill off the porch.
12. Never goes to the grocery store
Your roommate “forgets” to buy milk on the way home from work. Your toddler drinks all the milk. Get used to it.