Last year I quit drinking coffee. It saves me dozens of dollars a month. Instead of sticking that money in my piggy bank for a surprise pedicure, or you know, college, I end up blowing it on impulse buys like these after going down the rabbit hole at This is Why I'm Broke.
The answer is always spaceship raft. We're supposed to be cutting down on screen time, right? This is what I'll tell myself when I'm nailing my kid with a water gun while yelling "pew pew!" (Amazon, $49)
If you're not excited about a tiny time machine, we can't be friends. (This is Why I'm Broke, $49)
Please tell me a prison jumpsuit onesie isn't as weird as a Fifty Shades of Grey onesie. Because I want to send one to every pregnant friend of mine. (Bloomingdale's, $28)
I mostly want to order one of these custom dolls to see if they can recreate one of my son's masterpieces that involve stick figures dying horribly in lava. (Doodle Your Toy, $65)
Maybe this sugary toothpaste will help end the nightly battle over tooth brushing. My kids might like it too. (Amazon, $6)
I like to pretend this Captain America nightlight happened because Steve Rogers chucked his shield at the wall before shucking his clothes. Which is why I might install it in my room. (Amazon, $41)
Next time my kids start hurtling themselves at each other and every sharp furniture corner in my home, I'm throwing them in the pool with these jousting logs. (Amazon, $24)
This clear putty is awesome, and it also resolves the problem of finding endless pieces of dull pink gooey crap all over my house for months after my kids play with traditional putty. (Vat 19, $15)
These cool pencils can be upcycled into plants, including vegetables. I'm 100 percent more excited about this than my kids are. (Amazon, $20)
Just kidding, this enormous E.T. doll is legitimately the most terrifying thing I've ever seen online. (Amazon, $750)
Now the kids can make the donuts. That's why you had them, right? (Amazon, $125)
This is an excellent pencil sharpener. They'll get why Mommy's laughing when they're older. (Amazon, $65)
Kids can get in on 3-D printing action with Play-Doh and an iPad. Okay, apparently this is fake. But just imagine the kind of obscene things parents would try to to 3-D print as soon as the kids went to bed. (Think Geek, $50)
Sure, kids will love these giant Jenga blocks. But they'll be an even bigger hit next time you have adult friends over on the patio for cocktails. (Amazon, $160)
I'm over Captain Underpants after having 3 billion passages read to me. But these underwear gloves are still funny. (Amazon, $10)
These bacon bandages are equal parts cute and delicious — just like your kids. (Amazon, $5)
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