Mom's makeup app makeover on infant son is a hilarious masterpiece
by Bethany Ramos
A native of the storied coastal city of Charleston, South Carolina, Julie Sprankles has been a lover of words her entire life. As a Southerner, she certainly has what her mama calls “the gift of gab.” When she’s not writing, Julie can be...
Never has such a cute creature existed! What a cute little squishy-wishy-chubby-wubbikens. He's so sweet I could just eat him with a spoon.
Is that a yawn, kid? Really, a yawn? Where was that last night when you decided you wanted to party like a rock star until the wee hours of the morning? You're lucky you're so cute.
I'm supposed to stick the thermometer where? I need to put what on my nipples? The umbilical cord just falls off? I wonder if you can DustBuster that. I mean, really, how did I not know these things going in? My family and friends totally dropped the ball on passing me the big book of motherhood secrets.
Please, kid, for the love of all things holy, just go to sleep. My arm is nearly numb from bouncing you, but I won't stop for fear that you'll resume screaming in that special decibel level that feels a little bit like a staple gun to my frontal lobe. Wait, he can't get shaken baby syndrome from this, right?
Aww, you're so cute and I'm so delirious from lack of sleep that I barely remember you're a teeny tiny terrorist who kept me up all night playing musical boobs, the breastfeeding version of musical chairs. Is that a smile? Your first smile! Oh, wait. I think that's gas. Oh, no, it's more than gas....
Finally, you're genuinely happy. I should revel in this moment, since you're entertaining yourself, but you're so adorable I just can't help but jump in and play with you. Aww, honey, did I scare you? Mommy's sorry... I'm the world's worst mother! (Cue irrational wailing.)
I know I shouldn't be laughing at you right now, but I totally am.
I swear, kid, sometimes you are so weird. You definitely didn't get this from my side of the family. Trust me, this has your daddy's name written all over it. Seriously, that's enough. OK, hold on. It's starting to get funny.
I love everything about being a mommy. Every hour of the day with this precious little being makes me realize my true purpose in life. I am his mother, and that is the most rewarding role I could ever have. I wonder if it's too early to talk to my husband about having more. After all, how could he not want 10 more just like this sweet angel?
Am I leaking? For the love of.... first time I leave the house in weeks, and I look like a cow with gushing udders. I wonder if it's too early to talk to the husband about getting that IUD. I'm gonna need a few years to get used to this whole being-a-new-mom thing.
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