Woman in love thinking

Everyone struggles with getting over an ex at some point in their lives. It's inevitable. You move on, but sometimes you still have hope somewhere for reopening that door. But what if you do something that forces it shut forever?

Closing the door on your ex forever

What could you do for your ex to never want to be with you?

Punch their mom. Try to murder them. Oh I don't know, besides blatant violence, maybe falling for their best friend?

My sister was not over her ex. Not by a longshot. He had broken her stubborn and otherwise vain heart (surprised she has one) into a million pieces. So he was going to be the one she couldn't forget. She didn't think she could do better, even though to everyone else it was obvious she could. The guy was washed up and lazy, but love is blind, huh? They had the same friends and often ran into each other. She dated other people but still felt a flame — however small — for the guy.

How did she cope? By doing what even I've been guilty of — stay close to the friends that are close to him. I don't know why we do that, because it just makes you hurt more. Maybe it's in order to stay close to someone that doesn't want to be close to you anymore — no, that doesn't sound like stalking at all (ha!). I didn't have that much shame when I did it — sometimes I would point blank ask our friends how my ex was or hope I could get a whiff of his cologne on their clothes (ok, too far).

The sticky situation

"You can't change your life for a possibility from the past when you have certainty for a brighter future."

Well, as time should have it, her ex's best friend Max started falling for her. This guy had been friends with her ex for decades (the first people they spooned were each other during naptime). But Max honestly was perfect for her. He was everything her ex wasn't (hygienic and kind). She even found herself wishing her ex had been like him (doesn't he sound like a winner?). I would yell at her and ask what the problem was then, to just go for it, but it's always easier to yell and tell other people what they should be doing. She didn't feel right about it. Was it her loyalty to her ex or just the fact she would lose the chance to get back with him? Perhaps if I was as considerate as her, I wouldn't be eating the last bit of the ice cream in our fridge as I write this. I digress.

How could I be so sure she would lose the chance to get back with him? I couldn't. But you see, scorned guys typically can fight shirtless/yell/talk things out and move past it with the other guy, but they may not be so forgiving to the girl involved. Don't believe me? Let's count the ratio of men to women in the Middle Ages that got beheaded/stoned for adultery... that's what I thought.

She was a sweet girl and I could understand how conflicted she felt, but at the same time, when life brings you something better, isn't it your responsibility to take it (the whole lemons/lemonade deal)? I know it had a lot to do with the fact she would be separating two friends that have been so close. But even Max wasn't afraid of losing his buddy in order to love her the way she needed.

The reality of the situation

Real life isn't like the Edward-Bella-Jacob triangle on Twilight, and you can't expect the guys to just sit in limbo while you bask in their love — especially if you don't know if the ex still even does like you that way! And you definitely cannot find a solution that pleases everyone. I mean hey, you don't exactly plan on falling for someone you shouldn't — unless you did, in which case you have a promising future as a vixen (kidding). Someone will be offended regardless.

You can't change your life for a possibility from the past when you have certainty for a brighter future. It's between a chance with someone that may want you versus someone who truly does. When you definitely have a suitor that wants to be everything you need, keep your eyes focused ahead and not on the door of boyfriends past. All is fair in love and war — do you really want to keep the peace at the sacrifice of your own happiness? If it's not feelings that are binding you to your ex, but just the idea you could never go back — is that grounds to keep looking back? I don't think so.

Rather than fearing the door closing on a future with your ex, keep moving forward no matter what, because you never know if the next door you open is the one that helps you see the light.

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Comments

Comments on "Is it ok to date your ex's best friend?"

Sam October 29, 2013 | 4:19 AM

I have a similar situation. I recently broke up with an ex who never seemed ready to date me. I knew he had problems from his last relationship, but he never could get it together. I said fine I will date other people and see where it takes us later on. Months later(now), I met this wonderful random man in the most conspicuous place I never go. We hit it off instantly! We started talking about where we grew up and I realized he was best friends with my ex. I told my ex first about the connection, and my ex said say nothing. He is good for you and you should date him. That kind of news didn't sit well with me. But I knew my ex had a tough spot he was in and was sorting through some things that he didn't want anyone to know about. So I kept the secret for a couple of weeks. Within 2 weeks of dating the guy, I revealed I knew his best friend my ex. I told him I had something with him, but never revealed the time. He figured it was college days. The new guy developed rapidly and I was elated. I never had someone like him and I enjoyed finally being happy. But we were getting closer and it has only been a month. I decided to tell new guy this past weekend. He was in shock of the situation and said he didn't want to be friends with him and didn't know if I was trustworthy because I didn't tell him first. My argument was I wasn't sure of you and I didn't know you to tell my exes business. I am deeply hurt because I lost it all, and I was in a tough spot. But I ultimately chose saying something and building my relationship. Until my boyfriend said no. It has only been a month. Was I within reason for telling my boyfriend I recently dated his best friend? A best friend that my ex doesn't really claim but a childhood friend. Please help. I really think we have something special.

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