Annoyed woman and her boyfriend

Is your man a total nuisance? Are you dying to kick him to the curb, immediately if not sooner? You're in luck!

Make him disappear
with these tricks

We hereby present 10 things that will make him run — not walk — in the other direction, leaving you free to pursue other interests. But be warned: These suggestions are potent. Use at your own risk!

1

Ask him if you're fat


  • a.) Ask him if your hips look big in your new skinny jeans.
  • b.) Look at him expectantly.
  • c.) Depending on his answer, either accuse him of lying or burst into tears. That'll teach him that he can do nothing right!
2

Say "I don't know" when he asks you what you
want to do for dinner

Confused man

It's like the old Abbott and Costello skit "Who's on First?" If you're not going to weigh in on whether you want to eat Mexican food or order veggie burgers, he might as well be talking to a houseplant. Going around in circles will not only frustrate him, but it might just make smoke come out of his ears, like a malfunctioning robot.

3

Point out his errors when he helps around the house

Woman arguing over chores

Let's say your guy unloaded the dishwasher, cleaned the bathroom and picked up your dry cleaning. Don't waste any time telling him that he put the drinking glasses in the wrong place, neglected to mop the inch of floor tiles behind the door, and didn't even take the plastic bags off your clothes when he hung them up. Gawd! Was he raised by wolves?

4

Prioritize
electronics
over him

If a text comes in, answer it. If you want to pin a recipe on Pinterest, do it. If you need to share your weather concerns on Facebook, go ahead. Even if he's talking to you. All the better if you have a smartphone and can whip it out when he's in the middle of a story about his childhood, featuring his beloved lost dog, Mr. Barks.

5

Belittle his
profession

This one works best if you're double-dating with another couple or at a party. Act incredibly fascinated if another man tells you about his gig as a drummer, hedge fund manager or motorcycle restoration artist. Then compare it to your guy's job — unfavorably. Example: "That sounds fascinating! Greg here is just a paper pusher. [Roll eyes.]" or "I don't have any idea what he does at work all day!"

6

Criticize his sexual performance
directly afterward

Woman upset with man after sex

Particularly effective is the silent treatment/crossed arms/frown combination, given immediately after he fails to make you orgasm. Even if he pleads for you to tell him what moves you'd prefer or offers to make you happy however he can, refuse to give up the details of what went wrong. Instead, sigh and slowly retreat to the bathroom, where you stay for at least 20 minutes.

7

Suggest he could stand
to lose a few

scale

Pat his round stomach, encourage him to order the fish or tofu whenever you're at dinner, and tell him muscular bodies on guys (à la Ryan Reynolds) are so hot right now. If only he'd just live at the gym, you might be more attracted to him, you know?

8

Watch terrible reality TV whenever he's around

There are some reality television shows that win Emmys. The Amazing Race, say, or Intervention. But to truly make your dude high-tail it out of your life (or at least your living room), tune in to Bad Girls Club, Tough Love, a marathon of The Real Housewives of [insert city here, but we recommend Atlanta for maximum results], any programs linked to the Kardashian franchise or The Bachelor: Women Tell All. He might not leave your life entirely (yet), but he'll sure as sugar leave you alone for a few hours.

9

Talk about how hot
other guys are

Some of your guy's friends are attractive, you have to admit. Now mention it out loud. Talk to your man about how if you had to hook up with one of his friends, it would totally be his bestie from college — the guy with the internet company and the geeky good looks. To add fuel to the fire, chatter constantly about how sexy Jon Hamm is and how you would give anything for Zac Efron to sweep you off your feet, like he so often does to willowy heroines in the movies. Bonus points if you post a pic of Gerard Butler as your laptop's desktop wallpaper.

10

Read his emails, check his texts and draw
insane conclusions

text message

He got a text from a "Sherri?" Who's "Sherri?" Why is she texting him "See you at 12?" What? She's his firm's 60-year-old client? No, she's not! She's obviously his mistress, and he was meeting her at the Hilton for a nooner! It's confrontation time, and your man has no idea what level of crazy paranoia he's in for.

More breakup stories and tips

How to break up with him
How to get your stuff back after a breakup
Breakup stories: The weird, the sad & the just plain funny

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Comments

Comments on "10 Steps to get rid of your boyfriend"

precious April 03, 2014 | 1:59 PM

be nasty or mean to him act not yourself or just be strait up with him to leave you now

Goldenpink January 28, 2014 | 2:20 PM

This is very funny to me, but honestly their are some people that do not want to leave for whatever reason. They are willing to do whatever it takes to keep the individual. I told my man that I do not want to be with him anymore and he is determined that he is not going to leave. I wanted to know is there something I can do besides calling the police or throwing his clothes out the window??? Please help #noclingymenin2014

Susy January 02, 2014 | 8:47 AM

These are hilarious. I am just going to dump but it tickles me pink to think of how these would annoy him so much if I did them to him to get even with the way he treated me. I am an adult so I won't but thanks for the laugh.

Tesla November 29, 2013 | 2:52 PM

This article is horrible you can destroy a person by doing these things, how about you break it off like an adult? Whoever wrote this article is clearly very immature.

Jason October 14, 2013 | 6:30 AM

So in this day and age we support the disingenuousness of women by making them think its okay to do these things? what happened to being straight up with people? you want your boyfriend gone? ill tell you how to get rid of him, say "i don't love you anymore, we're done" and exit. This article might as well be titled, "Want to be a huge ----? here's how!"

Independent chick with clingy-azz bf October 11, 2013 | 2:22 PM

I did all these things and he's more devoted than ever. :( I'll never be able to ditch this clinger :'(

karina September 07, 2013 | 2:46 PM

Haha,I've done 7 of this steps without being aware that they were meant to get rid of boyfriends! I'm a lucky woman, my boyfriend loves me very much!

Minerva June 22, 2013 | 3:49 AM

Truly, if he is a huge kook, none of this will phase him. I'm trying to get rid of a psychopath that was engaged when I met him but never fully disengaged to this other person. He cheats on her. Cheated on me. (did I ever have something real with him? No. Because he's a lying, theiving, scamming, predatory, ice head kook!!). He's a total mooch with no plans to do anything with his life that's nearly over by now; he's just turned 52, and on that day, he violated the TRO I got against him then started to threaten me. When I called the police, they arrested him and a judge gave him a TRO on me now! He's a total lying, scamming, psychopathic cretin who I just want to leave me alone but he won't. He's threatened my and my son's life and said he'll rob and murder us. If he does or not is one thing, but just to say that is terroristic threatening. This guy is a total leech on society. He's been a scammer all his life and thinks he's great. He thinks everyone else is the problem. He tells people that I'm crazy because I am upset and making angry noises about him threatening my life. He's completely beyond the pale and over the top with his threats and disgusting antisocial behavior. His little toady friends who conspire with him to abuse me are like an insidious festering boil on the community that is gasping for its very life with these predatory kooks running around making our lives a living hell. God help us!!

Nekie June 20, 2013 | 5:38 PM

I have a live in boyfriend that doesn't have a real job...he takes odd in jobs sometimes...but he really doesn't contribute to the household.(The lease is in my name only)He started spending nights and the rest is history...He's honestly like a leach...He keeps my cell phone, my car, and thinks he runs the house.(I work and pay all of the bills)My children are grown and I wasn't expecting to adopt a boy. I think I'm going to have to serve him a 30-Day notice to remove him. He is way too comfortable.

jade doherty June 16, 2013 | 9:16 AM

i did the of this and it hasn't worked :(

Meg May 25, 2013 | 1:09 PM

I do all these all the time and tell my bf I want him to leave. It doesn't work though. When you're living with the person you can't just tell them to leave when they won't. I've talked to him, told him why I want to be single, tried everything and all he cares about is playing video games all the time. Won't get a job, gets mad if I want to go out, he's driving me insane. Wish there were some real tips to get him to go.

Miranda May 18, 2013 | 8:30 PM

WOW these are really funny, but when you really think about it, mean as well. I would only do those things as payback for something he's done, not to get rid of him. Also Emma is right, it's unfair to him

Melissa April 16, 2013 | 9:31 AM

I've been with my boyfriend since sept 10 2009! I'm going insane! He's 49 and I'm 24 - we haven't had in 2 yrs. I'm bored of him completely! I'm ready to cheat on him - he is already doing that on the net

Alicia January 30, 2013 | 8:25 PM

I'm doing all these but they have not helped to break-up yet...He's not leaving my back and I'm totally going insane with him still around...I've talked to him about break-up lots of times...But he sort of threatens me...Blackmails and all that...He's so possessive...But I'll dump him one day or the other...And that's a fact.

jaimie November 01, 2012 | 11:32 AM

I do all of these except the last one... and he still won't leave.

Shannon August 14, 2012 | 10:20 AM

Wow! These are terrible! But really? If you don't want to be with a guy, let him know (gently) and move on. There's no need to insult him or try and push him away. Some of them, though, I don't think will push a guy away. I'm married, and yes I ask if I look fat and I don't always know what I want for dinner. If he leaves because of that??! Then buh-bye!

Rosie June 13, 2012 | 2:31 PM

You...you people do realize that this article was written as a joke, pointing out awful things that women do to their poor husbands/boyfriends that are driving them away, right? You don't think anyone would actually take this seriously, do you?

Hannah May 23, 2012 | 10:22 AM

These tips are very funny! I love the first one even though it's the oldest trick in the book. The last one is a little extreme but if it works for someone they should go for it!

Fill May 12, 2012 | 9:05 AM

I have the best one, if you don't like him any more, have an adult talk and explain that you need to move on and wish him the best. Why degrade yourself by playing games as suggested above. What goes around comes around. Would you what him to do similar things to you?

Britt May 10, 2012 | 10:11 AM

These tips are hilarious! Do people actually use this advice? I honestly don't think I could pull it off even if I wanted to. The guy must be awful to pull some of these stunts on him. I just can't even imagine when any of these are actually appropriate to use to truly get rid of him.

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