Craziest Valentine's Day products

"Love sick," get it? The heart is sick! A chuckle-worthy play on words for sure, but will he really want to look at a hungover animatronic heart every morning? (Especially if he, himself, is hungover?) Maybe. If he's into that. But we're guessing he's probably not. ($21, zazzle.com)

We all know how much dudes love unnecessary decorative pillows. Mark your territory by tossing a couple of Valentine's Day–themed Bold Loft pillows onto his bed. The illustration says it all, really: A stick figure man running away screaming while a stick figure woman chases him with a blood-red shark heart. Fitting! ($36, boldloft.com)

Made from plant extracts, this "rejuvenation" cream is designed to hydrate vaginal walls and tighten them for up to 24 hours. ("Just a sec, honey, I'm tightening my vagina!") We like the "hydrating" part, but don't worry: Your vagina is fine the way it is. We'd venture a guess that your guy will be happy with a Valentine's Day roll in the hay no matter your musculature. Give the gel a whirl if you want, but women who are sensitive to the glycerin in the gel might risk a yeast infection later. If you're keen on improving tone and function down there, incorporate some Kegel exercises into your daily routine to strengthen your pelvic floor. ($60, drugstore.com)

Because paranoid gals can never be too sure if he's cheating, this is more of a gift for yourself than for him. Pull the ol' bait and switch with some high-tech gear: Tell him you're going to play "sexy spy" by monitoring his computer activities with the Stealth iBot internet-use recording device, and then actually use the iPhone Spy Data Recovery Stick on his smartphone to record his texts, calls and other sundry mobile device activity. Boom! That'll teach him to never wish his ex "Happy birthday" on her Facebook wall ever again. ($100–$170, brickhousesecurity.com)

What better way to lure the man you have your sights set on than by spritzing on some pheromones? Erox unisex fragrance contains human pheromones and an "organic molecule" that the manufacturer says is a "powerful icebreaker and puts you and your audience in an open, receptive and friendly mood. The way you usually feel around people you love and trust." Sounds... a little creepy. But the spicy, citrusy perfume smells good. Even if it's not the olfactory equivalent of the Spanish fly, it might help you catch a few guys (or the one guy you're aiming Cupid's arrow toward) in your net. Just keep the whole "human pheromone" thing to yourself. Unless the movie Gattaca happens to come up in conversation, in which case you're probably on a date with a sci-fi geek, and he'll love it. ($36, erox.com)

You know who's hot? David Beckham. You know who could never measure up to David Beckham no matter how hard he blasts his lats at the gym? Your boyfriend. Take your man's self-esteem down a peg by presenting him with a box of H&M's new David Beckham underwear; then watch eagerly as he looks at David's hot bod on the package and slowly crumbles into a fine dust of insecurity. Body issues: They're not just for women anymore! (from $13, hm.com)

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