Why He Won't Open Up

If you're dating someone you like but can't seem to move the relationship forward, the problem could be that you're with a guy who's emotionally unavailable. To help give you a better idea of what that means, we've created a list of signs that could indicate your man is not available emotionally, which can make it all but impossible to create a solid, lasting bond. Read on to find out more.

He won't talk about his feelings

Not all guys like to talk about their feelings. In fact, a lot of them need a lot of prodding to open up. But if your guy flat out refuses to let you in, or worse, shuts down whenever you want to find out what's going on inside his head, you're going to have a tough time moving your relationship forward. Putting up walls to avoid sharing anything about how he feels is a surefire sign he's emotionally unavailable. You can only spend so much time and energy guessing what's wrong with him or tiptoeing around him because he's in a bad mood and won't tell you why. Sooner or later he's going to have to open up or hit the road.

You don't know his history

Along with a refusal to let you in on how he's feeling, if he's also holding back who he is, where he comes from and what he has done, he's likely got a problem making emotional connections with those around him. He may give you snippets about his past, but if he never truly gives you an idea about who he is, how are you ever going to get to know him? Some people are slow to reveal their true selves or take their time painting a picture of their past for you, but if he's emotionally unavailable, you won't ever get a clear picture of what made him the person he is today. He may have seemed dark and mysterious at first, but trust us, that act will get old fast.

He hates discussing the relationship

An emotionally unavailable man will have absolutely no interest in talking about "the relationship." Any attempts you make to get him to discuss where the relationship is going, whether or not he's committed, how he feels about "moving forward" or any other questions or concerns you have, will be met with silence or a series of meaningless grunts. This can be tough to deal with because you never know where you stand, not to mention always having to be paranoid that he's going to up and leave. If he won't talk about the relationship, you'll never get a clear idea of whether he's happy or not, or if his feelings are as strong as yours. If he won't tell you what you need to know, you may need to cut your losses.

He gives non-committal answers

Does he answer "maybe" to most yes or no questions? He may be prone to being emotionally distant, which can be a relationship red flag. Never being able to commit to anything – plans, opinions, whether or not he's coming over later – means he can't (or won't) let you in close enough to really bond. "Maybe" is something you say when you're offered more dessert. As in, "Maybe I'll have some later." It's not a very good answer when you're asking him if he wants to have dinner with you or worse, whether he wants to move in together. Being emotionally unavailable means being distant, rather than enthusiastic about what's going on. So if you don't want to be forever in the dark, you might want to reconsider your relationship.

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Comments on "4 Signs your guy is emotionally unavailable"

Sharon July 30, 2013 | 8:03 AM

@Kim. I went through the same thing as you. I met my guy and from the first date we both felt a powerful connection. Up late on the phone just talking about everything. He even opened up a little for me, but I think just to draw me even more. I knew he still had feelings for his cheating ex wife becasue he was still angry at her and he still had her tatoo on his arm even after being divorced for three years. After six weeks into the relationship, we had a huge argument about something small and didn't talk for the whole weekend. We reconcileced but it wasn't the same after the arugment. I think after the argument he realized how much I can hurt him. After the arugment, he was distant, aloof, mean. He didn't have time for dates, he was waffling when I asked him if he wanted to stay in the relationship. I found out that he was logging back onto the even though his profile was blank. He apparently was interested in looking again. I finally did the dirty work for him and ended the relationship a few weeks later. It hurt like hell, but I realize that he was the type of guy that could never give me what I need emotionally. Even though I would've been there for him, he would never be able to give me the emotional support I would have needed that we need in a relationship, especially during hard times. These guys are broken and manipulative because most of them haven't accepted or dealt with their ex's betrayals. Their manhood is so damaged that they don't know who they are or what they want. Men have trouble healing because they bury their feelings so they never are able to move on. They usually end up going back to their cheating ex's or become permanent bachelors destined to be single forever. It's sad that someone who betrayed them has so much power over them. But, it's reality. My ex ended up going back to his cheating ex that he divorce three years ago, right after our breakup. The guy his ex wife left him for ended up leaving her so she was alone and broke and begged him back. My confidence was destroyed but I had to realize that it wasn't that I wasn't enough, he was just damaged goods. The sad and scary thing is that I think 90% of the guys in their late 30s and older are mostly emotionally unavailable men. I started reading and studying these types and I see that you have to be prepared to be in a long dating process with them in which they want the freedom to see you and other women as well. Some women accept this and others don't. You have to be assertive and demanding from the beginning. The nice girl is usually the ones that attract these guys because they want someone who will nurture them while they dream of their ex. He's using you so that means he's not the nice guy you think he is. Date them, but just don't take them serious or give your heart to them. Date them until someone better comes along and leave him. You'll be surprised by the lack of effort, if any that he will make to get you back. That's how you know that he was playing you all along. So, ladies please don't fall in love with these guys thinking that your connection with him is so powerful that he will change. My guy wrote me poetry, wined and dined me, bought me flowers. I think in his own small way he did love me but the love/pain/resentment he had for his ex was just all consuming.

Rachel May 27, 2013 | 6:19 PM

I find it hard to talk to my man. I don't know weather where in a relationship or not. To me he seems to be having feelings for his ex because they be texting and last Saturday night he was hiding his phone so I wouldn't see the messages. When I do ask him about her he says where just friends. Not only is he hiding them but also deleting them behind my back! I just wish men are honest!!

Kim November 14, 2012 | 9:19 PM

Hi Lori: I just ended it the other day with an emotionally unavailable man as well. It was very hard for me. I left the door open incase he wants to reconnect in the near future. He did not respond at all. I suppose I should have expected that. I saw him for three months and became very attached to him. He Never let me in. He gave me little pieces of himself and would not ask me anything. Last week, after the elections, he practically ran out of my house. He would not tell me what what wrong. I begged him to talk to me. It looked like he tried to say something but it wouldn't come out. He said he needed to think about things and left. I tried to ask what what wrong, tried to make plans for the weekend but he made excuses. I could not take anymore of his wishy-washy behavior. It a shame. I thought we could have been a good couple if he had only attempted to Let me In even a little but he never gave me a chance. I still hope to see him again but I doubt I will. This guy is an Attorney yet he doesn't know how to communicate in a relationship!

Lori August 26, 2012 | 5:38 PM

I just ended a relationship yesterday that he refused to call a relationship. He said we are not together either, and we were together for 6 months. He had mood swings all the time and I still cared about him. He also said I was pushing him away when I wasn't. He has been divorced for a little over a year and she cheated on him. He didn't have closure because he never got a straight answer about her cheating. He knows I care about him and when I ended it he said he never really cared about me any way. I love him and I hope I did the right thing ny ending it

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