Breaking up is hard to do. Much like the passing away of a loved one, breakups have stages of grief. Here's an outline of the breakup process -- and how to get through it.
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Anger: "I hate you for breaking my heart!"
In this stage, your heart goes from sad to raging mad. It becomes fueled with anger towards your ex for whatever his part in the breakup was, and/or toward yourself for your part. During this stage of breakup, you may find yourself burning pictures of him, holding his stuff hostage, slandering him to his friends or worse. If you are angry with yourself, you may do a lot of self-talk -- regretful thoughts and angry conversation with yourself. The deeper desire here is often to place blame.
Do/Do not:
Do feel, write or talk about your anger.
Do not act on it.
Bargaining: "What will it take to get him back?"
Sometimes involving prayers, this stage is often about getting your ex back, but other times, it is about absolving your own guilt if you did something wrong that caused the breakup. Desperate to negotiate with yourself or your ex, you may go to extreme measures to make deals or become something else (thinner, less jealous, etc.) to make amends -- when in truth, it is just about making the current pain go away.
Do/Do not:
Do create a self-love list complete with what makes you happy and things you want for your future.
Do not include wanting your ex back in the above list!
Depression: "I will never get over him."
You realize the magnitude of your loss in this stage of grief, and it can feel all too overwhelming. You may wind up in a state of deep sadness that can even resemble mild depression. At this point, recalling what your life was like prior to your relationship or what it could be like now can be hard. Just getting out of bed feels difficult, and you may even feel physical aches and pains perpetuated by deep feelings of hopelessness, helplessness and sadness.
Do/Do not:
Do surround yourself with positive people and lots of sunshine.
Do not fall victim to unhealthy behaviors such as binge eating or drinking.
Acceptance: "I understand why I was with him, why I'm not now, and that I will be better than just OK."
The acceptance stage of a breakup makes all the other really tough ones worth it. This is the one that finally gives you that welcome sense of exhalation. You come to realize what the past meant and what the future can hold. The sun begins to shine, and you begin to feel like yourself again, ready to move onward and upward.
Do/Do not:
Do celebrate getting through your breakup.
Do not be surprised if you still feel moments of sadness from time to time; it's normal. Just keep on your positive path!
Dealing with divorce
Before-divorce advice with Judge Lynn Toler
Judge Lynn Toler of Divorce Court gives some advice for couples before they end up in court -- and some encouragement if it still doesn't work out.
My boyfriend was my best friend. We were inseparable for three years. Sure, we had our ups and downs but we always worked through them. He asked me to marry him two weeks ago and I was happier than anyone could ever be. Today he broke up with me in an email. He said I didn't pull my own weight in the relationship. He was bored of it. But he's my best friend. We were on the phone or texting practically 24/7. What am I going to do without him? I can't get out of bed. All I do is cry. I've never felt pain this intense. I can't picture my life without him. Everything we did was together. I feel like I could die.
Michelle May 09, 2013 | 8:38 PM
My boyfriend and I just broke up this evening. He has been in the military for several years, and this was my first military boyfriend. I had high hopes for us even while being so far away from each other, but he is going to be stationed overseas for a very long time. It just kinda hit that it really wouldn't work out in the long run but it's still very painful to detach yourself from someone you're used to calling your own. :( but this article is great.
Eizzah April 10, 2013 | 7:48 AM
It's been a year or more but his got another girlfriend and his moved on. What hurts is that we were best friends and now I am ignored completely I get the 'I am too busy' reply.
Lucy April 04, 2013 | 12:50 PM
After 5 years together, my boyfirend left me because we fought too much he said. I wanted him to make an effort to keep me. Take me out once in awhile, spend some time and money on me like date nights. He left me because he said he didn't want to spend his money and wanted to save it all. He lied! What he meant was, he didn't want to spend his money or make an effort for me. It will be 33 weeks today that we've been broken up and he is seeing someone new and is taking them to a faancy hotel this weekend??!! I'm shattered and I want to die!
alba March 21, 2013 | 6:30 PM
My bf and i just broke up yesterday it feels like the end of the world for mee .. i was so in love withhh him and still am. I want him back so bad but ik i gotta deal with it i haven't stopped cryimg at all i just miss him. I need help getting through this break up but ik i will .. i hope everything will turn out right for me in the future. Gotta keep trying for what i want
Teah March 12, 2013 | 4:13 PM
My bf and I had just broken up yesterday, a yr n a half relationship. I know its not as long as 3 years but it sure doesnt change the way I felt about him. It was a beautiful relationship, we had broken up before and as soon as I got to stage 7 we ended up getting back together. And now iv lost him once again, worse of all to weed. He went overseas after we got back together for 7 weeks and I was so happy to rekindle our relationship again but as soon as he was back he started to hang out with his friends more and I saw him cjange from the person I loved to someone who I barely even knew. He stopped texting as often, started lying and hiding things from me and stopped coming to see me. Its been one day and like most here iv been going back and forth through the stages. I feel as if im almost at 7 though but struggling to stay there. I keep thinking we will get back together and keep denying the break up but at the same time iv sort of accepted it. I miss him so much and hope that he will realize his lost and come back :( Be strong everybody were only human
KC March 10, 2013 | 1:38 PM
I continue to listen to Sara Evans - A Little Bit Stronger. it's helping
KC March 10, 2013 | 1:33 PM
@ kelly DECEMBER 16, 2012 | 11:10 PM: Similar thing happened to me just last week. My ex wanted me to move in with him in Maryland. I turned in my two week notice, Sold all of furniture, washer, completed a change of address form. He sent me all of the money I needed for the Uhaul trip, and two days prior to the BIG move, he text me and told me that his ex tried to commit suicide, and that he wanted to be with her. He told me not to come there, and to forget about him. So I had to find a place to live in two days...luckliy I did, I don't have a job to go to on Monday, but I'm sure I will find something. I learned not to put all my trust and belief in another human being.
Hope March 05, 2013 | 10:24 PM
I am slowly accepting its over relation of 4years is really over but my problem is we are co-workers and even his new girlfriend. So everyday i have to see both of them which is really painful :(
kells February 07, 2013 | 11:09 PM
I am in the #5 stage. We have a child and this break up is the most painful situation I've ever been in. I'm so torn and everything replays in my mind as to why our relationship ended before our baby turned 1. :,( her 1st thanksgiving, her 1st christmas, our anniversary, were all clouded with sadness when it houldve ben the happiest times of our lives. I look at his facebook, we talk, hug and kiss sometimes but he still doesn't want to come home. I'm going into the depression stage and I can't wait untill I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can do this for my baby and I, I just have to get to ste 7.
jill January 03, 2013 | 9:07 AM
It's helpful to know there are people out there feeling exactly as I do. I recently ended a 5 year relationship that I thought would be forever. I have never felt such pain or grief in my whole life not even when my husband passed away. The most horrible thing is that he is my next door neighbour! It was a mutual decision to end the relationship. However, he started calling and we resumed a somewhat relationship which I thought was leading back to a reconcillation. I told him I loved him and wanted to try again and that I would never repeat the mistakes I had made. Last night he told me no. He was done and he was quite adamant. My heart has been ripped out of my body and I can't breathe, sleep or eat. It was the worst Christmas and New Year's of my entire life. I just don't know how I can ever move on.
kelly December 16, 2012 | 11:10 PM
My boyfriend and I of 3 1/2 years decided to move out west together. We sold what we needed to, packed the rest and left. He had to travel back home for some business and was returning a couple of days later. I went to the airport to pick him up, but nope, he wasn't there, never even called. The tough part is that I do not know what I feel right now. I gave up my really good paying job, really do not have alot of money to go back home, and when I do get there, I have nowhere to live, not to mention that I may run into him....I know one emotion I feel....Hopeless!
Kelly December 07, 2012 | 9:22 AM
Three years. He promised the world and I got dumped the day after thanksgiving. My heart, my body my mind hurts so much. All I can do is sit and cry. What do I do? He destroyed me and I'm broken.
Becky December 04, 2012 | 11:53 AM
I feel like Lori & Rachel. Long term relationship with my best friend and he hurt me like I've never been hurt before....not even by my ex-husband. I've never been here before. It's so emotionally draining, I feel like I'm going to have a break down. This is a great article.
Rachel November 18, 2012 | 6:19 AM
I am in stage 6, and I feel like its the end of the world....I have no one to talk to about this, and I miss him terribly...is there anyone who can help me end this painful phase of my life?
Lorrie October 26, 2012 | 8:37 PM
I'm stuck between 4,5 and 6. I go back and forth and it's driving me crazy! We were together for almost 3 years and its only been a month and a half. Sometimes I feel like I could just lay in bed forever because facing a day without him feels like knives through my chest! We were going to remain friends and so far it's just made it harder. I'm going to have to cut ties for now and when I feel like I've gotten over him I'll try again.
Kate October 19, 2012 | 10:04 PM
this is a wonderful, incredibly accurate artical. i'm glad to say i've made it to the 7th stage, although sometimes it still gets pretty rough. thank you for the insight.
ki October 10, 2012 | 8:22 AM
I also feel as though i go back and forth between stages. I dont know how to get over him and yes i still love him. He caused a lot of hurt but somehow i know that if he wanted me back, i would take him back in an instant. Sad really, but im trying to move on. Its just hard.
Ashley September 29, 2012 | 8:56 PM
I don't want to be over him and accept that it is done! I guess that's why I'm still stuck at the beginning stages! But how do I help myself want to move on. Ive been going back and forth between the beginning stages for 3 years now. And as pathetic as it sounds I just can't move on!!!
Rima Rose September 12, 2012 | 7:35 AM
I was on the 7th stage in just over a month but then my ex wanted me back. It sucks... And i regret taking him back!!! SMH
Anger: "I hate you for breaking my heart!"
Bargaining: "What will it take to get him back?"
Depression: "I will never get over him."
Acceptance: "I understand why I was with him, why I'm not now, and that I will be better than just OK."
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