7 Stages of a breakup

Tristan Coopersmith
Aug 04, 2010 5:00 AM by
Posted in Love & Sex / Divorce & Breakups / Breakups

From Shock
To Acceptance

Breaking up is hard to do. Much like the passing away of a loved one, breakups have stages of grief. Here's an outline of the breakup process -- and how to get through it.

Dealing with a breakup

Breaking up isn't as hard to do if you understand that everything that is happening to your heart, your mind and your body is totally normal. That's right: Consuming endless pints of ice cream one day and being disgusted by the sight of food the next is normal under the circumstances. It is also normal to want to slash your ex's tires and want him back all at the same time.

What isn't normal, though, is to stay stuck in your confused, lonely or sad state. Breakups have stages of grief, as outlined below. These breakup stages may not be in order for you, and there is no telling how long you will stay in each one, but consider progress of any kind positive. Be gentle with yourself during a breakup, and don't stop reminding yourself that, no matter how dark the day, you will get through this.

7 stages of a breakup

Shock: "What the hell just happened?"

Shock is the body's natural protection against pain. And when your relationship first ends, you just might not want to deal with what's coming next. It may be too scary, too lonely, too confusing. A state of disbelief could last minutes, weeks or even months and likely lasts longer if you are on the receiving end of an unexpected breakup. Don't be surprised if you feel a sense of blurriness about the actual breakup scene, a literal loss of breath, or trouble sleeping.

Do/Do not:

  • Do prescribe yourself calming cures like meditation or long walks.
  • Do not freak out. You will make sense of all of this!

2Denial: "This is so not happening."

Denial is rejection of reality and a storage of feelings. The thinking is that, if you don't accept the heartbreak, then it didn't really happen, thus leaving hope for reunion. During this stage of a breakup it is common to call, email or even Facebook-stalk -- anything that feels remotely "normal" about the relationship -- in an effort to put dealing with the heartbreak on hold.

Do/Do not:

  • Do open up to a journal or trusted friend to begin unleashing fears, identifying unreasonable thoughts and more.
  • Do not minimize the situation. Pretending your breakup doesn't have to be dealt with will lead to emotional numbness and leave you stuck.

3Isolation: "I just want to sit in this all by myself."

Once you've recognized the breakup, you get into the dirty work: Dealing with the dissolution of the relationship. You may replay the relationship over and over in your mind, trying to pinpoint where it fell apart and how it could have been saved. Your thoughts may feel very scattered and disorganized. This stage of grief has you in withdrawal; you don't even feel like updating your Facebook status or checking your voicemails. You may draw your blinds and not even want to leave the house. Sitting in silence, darkness or a pint of ice cream feels better than going outside and admitting to the world that, yes, it's over.

Do/Do not:

  • Do take regular showers and create reasons to face the day (work, social activities).
  • Do not indulge in self-pity by letting irrational thoughts like "No one will ever love me again" take over.

Next: Four more stages of a breakup

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Comments on "7 Stages of a breakup"

Mr170 June 18, 2013 | 4:46 AM

I was dating this girl A and we seemed to hit off right from the start. She was pretty and funny and we seemed to have a lot in common. We soon became an item and I fell deeply in love. I was ready to marry A. 1 year into the relationship , she told me out of the blue that when we first started dating she had just ended a 3year relationship. She just said I should know . She did not say she wanted to date other guys. I felt betrayed and angry . I tried asking her to explain why she felt the need to tell me now . She just brushed me off. I tried to continue as normal but things felt different. She then broke up with me a few weeks later. She said I was not supportive . She did not once apologise for keeping in the dark and then suddenly telling me that she dated me on the rebound. I said ok and went no contact. We were both studying in uni and decided to concentrate on my studies . I was hurting badly and went into deep depression. I studied and went to the gym as usual but worked out much harder. I hung out with my guy friends and just avoided her as much as possible. Weekends were bad . I wept and cried for weeks. 2 months later she tried using mutual friends to drop hints that she was sorry etc etc. I was still in love with her and wrote a letter saying trust once broken is difficult to regain but it is not impossible = you want me back , you make the first move and make amends. No response from her. So I moved on. It took me 8 months to recover . All this time I did not bother to keep tabs on my ex. I just accepted that it was over. Then I met H who was a bit less pretty than A but was easier to get along with and we had much in common. We stated dating and I was beginning to fall for H. A began to contact me via SMS . I ignored her text. Then she called me up and asked that we meet and talk. I at refused and said bluntly there was nothing to talk about. She apologised for not telling me the truth and then suddenly telling a year into the relationship . I said I loved you once but I have moved on and have met someone else. A then began spread rumours about me . My girlfriend H ignored them. I married H 2 years later and we are so happy.

Anthony June 09, 2013 | 5:04 PM

I feel like I'm the only male on this page, I really do. And it is very comforting and consoling to know that many other people feel similarly to how I feel, it is rather alienating to assume that not as many guys do. After three years with my significant other, my best friend, someone I gave my life to and spent every single day with, has left me, which I perceived as out of the blue. it's been about two weeks. I've never felt so isolated. I try to be with friends but I have to force myself to smile and laugh. It's horrendous. I don't have anyone to talk to anymore, to relate to on that level of intimacy. And I know it will get better, it's just the long road ahead that makes me want to give up. The worse part is knowing that if there were other options, other girls, that I could maybe kindle a new relationship with, then I could move past this easily. But I see absolutely no options, and every part of my mind is telling me that I need to be back with her even though I know I shouldn't.

Marlin June 09, 2013 | 2:11 PM

I just broke up with my boyfriend and I have a sense of relief. is that a normal reaction?

AB June 07, 2013 | 12:05 PM

My boyfriend of over two years dumped me seven weeks ago. He was diving deeper into depression every day. I read books and did all I could to support him. He just walked. Ive gone through sadness then anger then even begging for him back...never good. I felt lost without him and wanted to feel as cared for as I had cared for him. . I felt like the depression dumped me and not him. Now nearly two months later I've decided it wasn't worth my dignity to love someone who didn't lOve me back. I deserve more but will miss him deeply for a long time. When things became more clear I truly saw that he never was good to me the way he should have been. I'm starting to now feel relief from the heartache of always feeling. It good enough for him to love or hold onto. One day he'll think of me and realize. And I'll be stronger and wiser. Best to you all. Stay strong.

catz May 31, 2013 | 3:03 PM

3 weeks today I walked away from 18 months in a relationship and have been no contact. I ended it because he didn't want to marry nor have kids. He's 45 I'm 42, neither one of us has kids or ever been married. I thought we were on the same page. I guess not! It's been tough and I do often replay what might've caused his letting me walk away so easily. I realized I don't need him to make me happy. I am happy and grateful for all that I have in my life. I'm happy and grateful that I had the opportunity to LOVE him. But most importantly I LOVE MYSELF a hell of a lot more to walk away with courage, class and integrity than have him use me, my body and my emotions. I deserve better than that. I do love him and miss him dearly but I'm so confident that there is someone for me out there that feels and wants what I want. We beautiful women should know our worth.

Aimee May 30, 2013 | 1:30 PM

To say I'm going through the stages is an understatement. My boyfriend broke up with me on May 6th. It's literally been the most difficult 24 days of my life so far and I know it's still not over. He was in a relationship for 4 years before and she burned him bad. We've known each other for 5 years so we decided to try it. I thought everything was great until we broke up. He told me he wasn't able to give me 100% and didn't know if he could ever fall in love with me. Thanks for letting me fall in love with you and give you 120%. We were only together 9 months but it still hurts. I started to see forever with him. Now I've gone through Depression, Bargaining, and finally getting Angry at him for letting me fall for him when he wasn't giving it his all. I'm so ready for this to be over. I'm ready to be myself again. It's literally the most horrific feeling.

Petra May 26, 2013 | 10:01 AM

@ Kells I am going through a similar situation. We have a son together he is 21 months old. My ex said he is not happy and when I asked him if he wants to work it out, he said no. How are you coping with seeing him all the time since you guys have a child together?

aish May 24, 2013 | 5:16 AM

We broke up jst yesday cuz we had trust issues. Its been the worst day ever. I still can't eat or sleep

Crazy May 23, 2013 | 3:46 PM

My boyfriend was my best friend. We were inseparable for three years. Sure, we had our ups and downs but we always worked through them. He asked me to marry him two weeks ago and I was happier than anyone could ever be. Today he broke up with me in an email. He said I didn't pull my own weight in the relationship. He was bored of it. But he's my best friend. We were on the phone or texting practically 24/7. What am I going to do without him? I can't get out of bed. All I do is cry. I've never felt pain this intense. I can't picture my life without him. Everything we did was together. I feel like I could die.

Michelle May 09, 2013 | 8:38 PM

My boyfriend and I just broke up this evening. He has been in the military for several years, and this was my first military boyfriend. I had high hopes for us even while being so far away from each other, but he is going to be stationed overseas for a very long time. It just kinda hit that it really wouldn't work out in the long run but it's still very painful to detach yourself from someone you're used to calling your own. :( but this article is great.

Eizzah April 10, 2013 | 7:48 AM

It's been a year or more but his got another girlfriend and his moved on. What hurts is that we were best friends and now I am ignored completely I get the 'I am too busy' reply.

Lucy April 04, 2013 | 12:50 PM

After 5 years together, my boyfirend left me because we fought too much he said. I wanted him to make an effort to keep me. Take me out once in awhile, spend some time and money on me like date nights. He left me because he said he didn't want to spend his money and wanted to save it all. He lied! What he meant was, he didn't want to spend his money or make an effort for me. It will be 33 weeks today that we've been broken up and he is seeing someone new and is taking them to a faancy hotel this weekend??!! I'm shattered and I want to die!

alba March 21, 2013 | 6:30 PM

My bf and i just broke up yesterday it feels like the end of the world for mee .. i was so in love withhh him and still am. I want him back so bad but ik i gotta deal with it i haven't stopped cryimg at all i just miss him. I need help getting through this break up but ik i will .. i hope everything will turn out right for me in the future. Gotta keep trying for what i want

Teah March 12, 2013 | 4:13 PM

My bf and I had just broken up yesterday, a yr n a half relationship. I know its not as long as 3 years but it sure doesnt change the way I felt about him. It was a beautiful relationship, we had broken up before and as soon as I got to stage 7 we ended up getting back together. And now iv lost him once again, worse of all to weed. He went overseas after we got back together for 7 weeks and I was so happy to rekindle our relationship again but as soon as he was back he started to hang out with his friends more and I saw him cjange from the person I loved to someone who I barely even knew. He stopped texting as often, started lying and hiding things from me and stopped coming to see me. Its been one day and like most here iv been going back and forth through the stages. I feel as if im almost at 7 though but struggling to stay there. I keep thinking we will get back together and keep denying the break up but at the same time iv sort of accepted it. I miss him so much and hope that he will realize his lost and come back :( Be strong everybody were only human

KC March 10, 2013 | 1:38 PM

I continue to listen to Sara Evans - A Little Bit Stronger. it's helping

KC March 10, 2013 | 1:33 PM

@ kelly DECEMBER 16, 2012 | 11:10 PM: Similar thing happened to me just last week. My ex wanted me to move in with him in Maryland. I turned in my two week notice, Sold all of furniture, washer, completed a change of address form. He sent me all of the money I needed for the Uhaul trip, and two days prior to the BIG move, he text me and told me that his ex tried to commit suicide, and that he wanted to be with her. He told me not to come there, and to forget about him. So I had to find a place to live in two days...luckliy I did, I don't have a job to go to on Monday, but I'm sure I will find something. I learned not to put all my trust and belief in another human being.

Hope March 05, 2013 | 10:24 PM

I am slowly accepting its over relation of 4years is really over but my problem is we are co-workers and even his new girlfriend. So everyday i have to see both of them which is really painful :(

kells February 07, 2013 | 11:09 PM

I am in the #5 stage. We have a child and this break up is the most painful situation I've ever been in. I'm so torn and everything replays in my mind as to why our relationship ended before our baby turned 1. :,( her 1st thanksgiving, her 1st christmas, our anniversary, were all clouded with sadness when it houldve ben the happiest times of our lives. I look at his facebook, we talk, hug and kiss sometimes but he still doesn't want to come home. I'm going into the depression stage and I can't wait untill I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can do this for my baby and I, I just have to get to ste 7.

jill January 03, 2013 | 9:07 AM

It's helpful to know there are people out there feeling exactly as I do. I recently ended a 5 year relationship that I thought would be forever. I have never felt such pain or grief in my whole life not even when my husband passed away. The most horrible thing is that he is my next door neighbour! It was a mutual decision to end the relationship. However, he started calling and we resumed a somewhat relationship which I thought was leading back to a reconcillation. I told him I loved him and wanted to try again and that I would never repeat the mistakes I had made. Last night he told me no. He was done and he was quite adamant. My heart has been ripped out of my body and I can't breathe, sleep or eat. It was the worst Christmas and New Year's of my entire life. I just don't know how I can ever move on.

kelly December 16, 2012 | 11:10 PM

My boyfriend and I of 3 1/2 years decided to move out west together. We sold what we needed to, packed the rest and left. He had to travel back home for some business and was returning a couple of days later. I went to the airport to pick him up, but nope, he wasn't there, never even called. The tough part is that I do not know what I feel right now. I gave up my really good paying job, really do not have alot of money to go back home, and when I do get there, I have nowhere to live, not to mention that I may run into him....I know one emotion I feel....Hopeless!

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