Learn To
Reconnect

If you have two minutes, we have a quick little trick that might just make your marriage last forever. We are not kidding. If you're worried about your marriage (and even if you're not!), you simply have to try this.

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The results

happy young coupleThe power of being heard

The following week, Jacob and Eliza came into the office saying, "We did our ITS. We named the exercise ITS because we were always asking who wants to be IT tonight."

They then described how it felt doing the exercise. Jacob said, "We flipped a coin for who was to go first. I won. It was amazing. I was anxious. So, to get started, I talked about how good it felt having her arms around me. We seldom do that any more. That led to my telling her I'm angry when I come home and she's busy with dinner, the kids, the phone (which never stops); she can't find time to greet me. I anticipated she would defend herself, but she was silent. As I absorbed the silence, I was reminded how I felt when I was little and came home from school. Mom was never there. It's the same loneliness I feel with Eliza. I had never made that connection before. I shared all this with her."

He grinned. "It's been great since then, because Lizzy has called out a loving hello to me each night when I come home, even if she's busy with something else. But the really best part was how lovely it was to have her hold me -- with nothing expected from me in return. I don't know what it means, but to receive without having to give anything first was really, well… 'wonderful' is too weak a word for something so special."

The power of undivided attention

Eliza was smiling. "What he was asking for was not so difficult, as long as he respected I might not always be able to be gracious with my 'hello.' I loved the exercise, too, but for a totally different reason. Despite what he thinks, I spend so much time thinking about how to please him and how to say something that won't annoy him. But when I was IT, and he was holding me, I could say anything I wanted without worrying about his reaction. I couldn't see him, so that really freed me.

"The ITS didn't offer any new insights for me. What was best, though, was I had his undivided attention. Usually, I tell him things while he's reading or playing the computer or watching TV. He never just sits and listens to me. When I was IT, it didn't matter what I said; I knew he was listening. That was special."

The power of connection

Jacob and Eliza looked at each other, sharing a gentle smile. Eliza says, "We love being both the holder and the holdee."

Jacob added, "We want to keep doing our ITS. Hope you don't mind."

Over the years, I have silently thanked Eliza and Jacob many times for naming this exercise that has given such pleasure and satisfaction to so many couples.

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Tags: getting him back

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Comments

Comments on "Save your marriage in 2 minutes a day"

Tina January 18, 2013 | 12:53 PM

Great tips. I think it's so important to TALK to each other. My husband normally calls me on his way home from work. It's sorta our "alone time" haha cause once he's home the kids want his attention.

Jessica October 15, 2012 | 3:03 PM

Everyone has two minutes a day, and I think it's so important to devote that time (or more) to your spouse. My husband and I got in the habit of watching TV every night before bed. Recently, we decided to not watch TV once a week, and instead lay there and talk. It's really helped us feel more connected to each other.

Jessica October 15, 2012 | 3:03 PM

Everyone has two minutes a day, and I think it's so important to devote that time (or more) to your spouse. My husband and I got in the habit of watching TV every night before bed. Recently, we decided to not watch TV once a week, and instead lay there and talk. It's really helped us feel more connected to each other.

Leslie July 02, 2012 | 5:04 PM

What a fun way to get closer to your spouse. Whether playing the ITS game or not, the main point is to give your spouse your undivided attention. Let him/her vent and discuss what's going on. All you need to do is listen. My husband and I do this at dinner...this is why we try to go out atleast once a week without the kids. If the kids aren't there, we're really able to express ourselves to eachother.

Henry August 18, 2010 | 3:49 PM

plesse tell me more about how to settle rift/problems in my family. if my wife is giving me bul, refusing to give me whenever i need to make love even kissing her. what will i do to make her understand me that i really love her and can do without her.

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