We're always getting tips on how to spice up our sex lives, steam up our bedrooms and rekindle our romance. It all sounds so hot and heavy, that I feel I should keep a fireman by the bed, in case my hubby and I spontaneously combust -- and for other more obvious reasons. Though this steamy advice is often worth listening to, every mom knows that it's not often feasible.
Let's be honest. Moms have a lot to do each day, and whether we work or not, there's a ton of responsibilities around the house, errands to run and children to feed, bathe and properly sanitize. By the time we're done, there's little time left for ourselves, not to mention our husbands.
So, I'm gonna take the responsibility and pressure out of sex by letting you off the hook. Some rules were made to be broken, and here's a few that fit the bill.
For some moms this is a foolproof method, but others simply end up feeling like fools. When trying to reach the big O, what's worse? Time constraints, or wondering when the crying will start and send you barreling out of the room, half "there" and half dressed? Let this rule go, and do it when you feel the least pressure.
Why don't we add more to our shopping lists, hmmm? Aromatic candles, heated body oils, maybe even edible undies? Then, between putting the babes to bed, vacuuming maimed Teddy Grahams and cleaning dog puke, we can set the mood in the bedroom. Anything that causes more work for mom is a "skippable" tip. Seriously, if you're even remotely "in the mood," that's mood enough. Now if he wants to go to all that effort, that's a different story entirely...
If date night causes you stress, don't do it. Yeah, I said it. Sure, having a date night is one of the all time best ideas to maintain your marriage, but forcing a date night, complete with raucous sex, does nothing for the relationship.
Instead, let go of the date night pressure and be okay with rescheduling. Things come up, whether its kids' activities or just plain old weariness. Remember what mom always said: "There's nothing sexy about passing out in your pasta." (Yeah, mine didn't say that either. But still.)
Foreplay is lovely, but it's also okay to skip it. After a decade of marriage, most of us forgot about foreplay a long time ago. These days, my husband thinks foreplay is brushing his teeth. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for that. Anything that feels more like a chore than a choice will cause resentment and ruin the mood. Do remember to ask for foreplay, though, if you want it.
We all love a little post-coital cuddling, maybe discussing how "amazing" it was when "you did that…with your…" -- but sometimes it is okay to just roll over and go to sleep. Your marriage will survive a little less stroking after sex and so will both your egos. Settle for a snuggle and a... zzzzzz.
I know, we're supposed to lose ourselves in passionate love making every single time, but let's face it, moms are multi-taskers. We manage to bathe kids while writing our errand list, explaining fractions, giving ourselves a mud mask and paying our taxes. Repeating, "Milk, eggs, bread," while in bed may put a crimp in the mood, but sometimes you just can't help it.
Try to relax, think of Brad Pitt or whoever else floats your boat and move forward. Also, keeping a notepad handy never hurt anyone -- well, watch for over-sharpened pencils.
Please, you sick people, I meant wake up early. Most of us get too little sleep as it is. I say sleep in, and store that energy for later.
I have a little ritual that I do every morning before I wake up: Sleep. The resentment that would go along with having to give away that precious dream time would certainly rear its ugly head before supper, when I yell at my husband about not being able to read my mind.
I know, everyone tells us we should have sex every week... and then life gets in the way. We end up feeling guilty, undesirable or second-rate. Some weeks are magical, some are chaotic, and the rest are somewhere in between.
Remind yourself that no one's keeping score (unless you have some particularly nosy friends and neighbors), and it's a safe bet that there's no pool on your sex-life.
Stick with these rules about breaking the rules, and we think you'll find yourself enjoying sex more...
and worrying about it less!
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