The D Word

Day after day I hear the reasons why people can't get a date. Some singles have rich imaginations. Here are the latest testimonials that start in this way:

woman unsure nervous

I can't get a date because...

  • Nothing works for me.
  • I'm bored with life and no one wants to talk to me.
  • The only guy I ever loved married someone else.
  • I'm 45, never been married and the odds of my finding someone are zero.
  • I'm 64 and divorced three times. Who would want me?

Whatever reason you have for not dating, know this -- just because you don't know how to get a date doesn't mean that you can't. If you want to date, and if you want to meet someone special, you can learn how to do it! To further prove my point, every one of the above people who said these things eventually learned to date, and three out of five of them have already met someone and fallen in love. The other two will also find their partners if they keep working at it. Would you like to know how they did it? First, they changed their minds and stopped thinking it couldn't be done. Second, they took action.  

You have to DO something

Home Alone is a good name for a movie but it's not a good name for you if you want a social life. You can't sit in front of the TV and wait for the dating world to arrive. If you feel you are ready to date; if you have your life reasonably together; and, if you have taken time to feed your spirit after breaking up with someone, then it's time for you to get moving. Lots of dates are waiting to meet you.

Forget about the myth of REJECTION

So many great people stop the flow of their dating life and accumulate more and more "proof" that they are not datable or lovable. The "proof," of course, is all in their imagination. When you gather this kind of false evidence, you either settle for someone you don't really want or don't go out at all because you anticipate rejection. Once you understand that you have the power over how you feel about yourself, no one can "reject" you. If someone indicates they don't want to date you, obviously, you don't want to go out with them. You want to be around people who appreciate you.  

The more actions taken, the greater your SUCCESS will be

If you are sincere about wanting to meet someone, you will get out often to different settings. You will be friendly, talk to people, reach out to others, and create a social life. You will have so much going on, you won't have time to feel rejected. Here are the three key ways to meet someone:

The Internet

Yes, you have to use caution, just as you would in meeting any stranger anywhere. But this is an incredible opportunity. The Internet has increased your dating opportunities by 100-fold.


This is one of the best ways to meet someone who comes with recommendations. However, you must ask people if they know anyone for you. Ask them more than once and ask more than one person.

Social settings

You know you have to go places to meet people. Where would those places be? Follow the thread of energy you find in your interests. You can discover a like-minded group. When you get there, smile, talk and be friendly.

That's your course outline for DATING 101. Do you want to meet someone? Just like the disbelievers I described, you can do it, too. I know you can.

Tonja Evetts Weimer is the author of Thriving After Divorce: Transforming your life when a relationship ends. For more information visit

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Comments on "How to start dating after divorce"

MPearce May 26, 2010 | 11:01 AM

Love it! So simple and hopeful. There's someone out there just waiting for us to show up :)

Joan Simmerman May 25, 2010 | 11:46 AM

As always, Tonja writes with grounded knowledge and sensitivity around dating issues and makes you realize that if you're unhappy with status quo, then you are the one who can make it better by taking proper action to get what you want. This is a positive, encouraging article!

Angel D. May 25, 2010 | 9:51 AM

This article is wonderful! After the loss of self esteem from a breakup, it's hard not to have those negative thoughts bouncing around in your head. And I too, have thought, "All the good ones are already taken." Tonya has given us a way to take action to set those negative thoughts to rest and get back out there to create that life and relationship we all want.

Laura B. May 25, 2010 | 7:49 AM

As a woman in this situation, this article appeals to some basic fears, no matter our age or number of marriages. Tonja's style is very accessible, and provides real actionable advice. I look forward to reading more!

Catherine Hackett May 25, 2010 | 7:27 AM

Super article!! Tonja has a way of listening carefully to our earnest feelings and then lovingly and with gentle humor bursting our bubbles and showing us all the wonderful possibilities and relationships that await us.

Selena G. May 25, 2010 | 7:21 AM

So true! Tonja Weimer gets straight to the point with advice that transcends the multitude of issues we all face regardless of age, gender or experience. I want to read more.

Amy Richmond May 24, 2010 | 1:33 PM

FABULOUS ARTICLE!!!! GREAT ADVICE!!! Tonja Weimer is so wise, and she really knows what she is talking about!!!!

rob stonesifer May 23, 2010 | 5:53 PM

Great article with a sense of humor and good insight for those trying to re-ignite the dating game.

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