Are You On A Rocky Road To Separating?

Although being paranoid about your relationship with your husband is probably not a good thing, if the signs are there and you confront them, there's a chance you might be able to save your marriage before it's too late. So what are the signs? We turned to experts to uncover what you should watch out for. These are the signs you might be headed for divorce.

Disgruntled Coupl;e in Bed

Lack of Respect

According to Karol Ward, author of Find Your Inner Voice: Using Instinct and Intuition Through the Body-Mind Connection, if either spouse is disrespectful or dismissive about trying to repair issues in the marriage, this indicates that the one using the disrespect is no longer regarding the other one as an equal partner. 'There is a big difference between being angry or hurt with your spouse and treating them with scorn. Disrespect means you no longer value or cherish your spouse, which is a major problem in a relationship,' Ward explains. If you'd like to fix matters, Ward suggests, 'When things are calm, express how hurt you feel when you feel you are disrespected and ask what is triggering it. You don't have to agree with the other person's perspective, but indicate you are willing to try and work on the relationship and ask them if they are too.' Be honest, calm and direct, Ward adds. 'If you find out the other person does not want to continue, at least you will know the truth and stop the cycle of bad behavior,' she says.

No Fighting

This might sound good in theory, but if you and your spouse aren't fighting anymore, that means you're also not communicating. 'If you've been fighting, or just dread fighting, moving into a phase of not talking meaningfully at all can feel like a relief,' says Tina B. Tessina, PhD, a.k.a. 'Dr. Romance,' psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage, 'but it could be a sign that you've both given up on being understood.' When this happens, Tessina points out, divorce is often the next step if you don't get counseling and figure out how to talk to each other without fighting.

Someone Cheats

Lauren Mackler, relationship coach, psychotherapist, and author of the bestseller Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life warns that if one or both partners in a relationship engage in emotional or sexual infidelity, you might be headed for divorce. 'People step outside their marriage because they don't know how to deal with their or their partner's feelings of anger, resentment, low self-esteem, and boredom -- common causes of marital discord,' she explains. 'Instead of acting on feelings of attraction to someone else, use this as a wake-up call that your marriage is in peril.' You and your spouse can seek out a professional who can help you identify the root causes of the marital discord and take action to change the interpersonal dynamics that led to the marital collapse, Mackler advises.

No Sex

If there is a decrease in sexual interest and activity (and there are no physiological conditions at play), you and your spouse might be headed for disunion. And the worst part is couples often avoid talking about this issue due to feelings of rejection or shame, Mackler points out. 'Instead of feeling rejected or angry, understand that a decrease in sexual intimacy is not the problem, but an indicator of deeper marital issues,' she explains. 'Then, find a good therapist or relationship coach (who has a background in psychology) to help you cut through the symptoms of your ailing marriage to effectively address the root-level causes.'

You're Parents, Not Partners

'If you have focused so much on being a family and raising your kids, and let your couple relationship go, you may find that you've lost your couple connection completely,' warns Tessina. 'This is why so many couples break up as soon as the kids are grown (or even before). Your man-and-wife relationship is vital -- it's the foundation your family is built on.' Tessina advises that you and your spouse not get so into your role as parents that you forget to be partners. Yes, your children are important, but so are your love and your relationship as a couple. It's not just about the kids.

Complete Withdrawal

'When either spouse withdraws emotionally from the relationship for an extended period of time, this means that the person no longer wants to put in the effort,' Ward points out. That might be hard to hear, couples, but pulling back because you are hurt is very different then removing yourself from the relationship while you are still in it -- those are two totally different things. 'If a spouse stops giving affection, refuses to communicate or does not spend time at home for long periods of time, this usually indicates they have emotionally left the relationship,' Ward explains. To fix matters, you can verbalize your concerns or write a note telling your spouse you need to speak with him. 'When you do meet, tell him you have noticed his disappearance, how it makes you feel and ask him what's going on,' she advises. 'It may feel awkward and rusty to connect again, but if you want your relationship back on track, let it be awkward without judging it.'

Unwillingness to Resolve Conflict

'If one of you refuses to try and work out conflicts or problems, you are in a dead-end relationship,' says Ward. 'There is a difference between not knowing how to resolve arguments and the refusal to do so. If one spouse or both are unwilling to negotiate, stop arguing or go to a therapist to heal the relationship, then the relationship has no where to go except towards divorce.' You and your spouse have to be willing to try and save the relationship in order for it to survive, say relationship experts. If you and your spouse are both willing, it's a good idea to find time when you are not fighting to communicate and share your concerns. 'Tell your spouse that you don't know how to fix things between you and you are feeling stuck,' Ward suggests. 'Ask him if he has any thoughts on how to make things better and then discuss one thing you are willing to try that week to rebuild trust. If you still can't agree, tell your spouse you feel you both need professional support and guidance and then find a couples therapist.' Hopefully, he'll want to give that a shot.

For more Divorce advice on SheKnows

Why men avoid relationship confrontation
7 habits that ruin relationships
How to save a failing marriage

Tags: getting him back

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Comments

Comments on "7 Signs you're headed for divorce"

Kenny February 28, 2014 | 6:23 PM

honestly I have no idea where my wife and I are at after twenty years. she likes to tell me to shut up in public, also tells me that im not the man I used to be as in physically as strong wich ive had three back operations and also not as mentally as strong either. now she has cheated on me more than one time, however she did tell me and was very sorry. lets just say she actually went all the way once. since then she hasn't cheated even once and that's been several years ago. but she disrespects me allot. She claims im always lieing to her , and even though everyone tells me that she thinks ive cheated ON HER she deny it. although I did say she has done nothing since her full on cheating, she still likes to flirt and she says she was not and will argue about it. and if she drinks yeah everyone see it, but she still will deny it. we have been together for twenty years and I think even though she doesn't want to lose me I think do she deep in side wants some free dome.she is 36 years old and she has a very y body so she has very good looking men checking her out, and im not so much in shape. so yeah I know and she obviously knows she can do better "but she loves me", and I believe that's the only thing saving us. and yes we have often at times then their some times where their will be no for couple of weeks. So im truly confused. I do tell her how beautiful she is a lot, but it seems like when another man says that or shows her attention she really holds her head high. so I don't know just lord please lead me in the right direction with her to get back the way it used to be because she hasn't always been like this its only been in the last couple of years its gotten bad

Lyn November 17, 2013 | 11:19 PM

I've recently found myself being disconnected with my husband. We've been through marriage counseling many times and nothing has change. Our last counselor kept siding with my husband (which didn't help me at all) nor our marriage, therefore I've given up. He's always acting smart with me, being a smart mouth, not caring about my feelings. He's even got mad at me many times in the car and every time he will always hit the gas pedal so hard, drive really fast and then hits the brakes hard so I can jerk forward. He's even done it once when I was pregnant with our first child. He's lucky I didn't lose him. And we we're arguing that day in the car cause I told him I didn't want to leave my car with those mechanics that I didn't trust and so since I didn't want to do what he suggested was best he got mad at me. The thing that hurts me the most is how he Never once ever apologizes to me for hurting me. NEVER! For anything he does to me, he never apologizes! The thing is I can't leave...I'm stuck. We have 2 kids and he's the breadwinner. He drives my car (our only vehicle) but it's under his insurance. I tried leaving him in MY CAR once (a car I had before we got married) but told me if I do, he'll cancel the insurance (which is fair). Knowing I have no money anymore in the bank and no job, he feels more powerful....and acts it too. And no, I can't sit down and talk to him cause I've tried and every time I do.....never fails......it's always my fault, so what's the point? Hence why I keep to myself now...and away from him.

Erwin May 22, 2013 | 10:01 AM

We have 6-7. I try to discuss issues with my wife but she is not willing to honestly try to talk about and work to resolve our issues. I've slowly started to give up myself. She has said we need to see a marriage counselor but I do not feel that will be successful. I feel this way because she will not lift a finger to try to communicate, build trust, talk about our issues, etc. My feeling is that if we're not willing to put forth an effort to resolve our problems, then a counselor cannot help, they cannot do the work for you. If she would try to work on our issues with me, and we truly could not get somewhere, then I would be very willing to seek assistance. For this reason I don't believe she wants to save the relationship. What I don't understand is what she is waiting for.

NCRR March 30, 2013 | 7:13 PM

Wow..All of them reflect my marriage...I have felt that divorce is near and now this article tells me I need to prepare for the inevitable

Erin July 24, 2012 | 1:27 PM

I guess I should consider myself lucky that none of these apply, but we fight alll the time. Fighting can be a good thing, and I get that, but in excess it's not. I realize we are communicating, but shouldn't there be some peace every now and then??

Kierston July 16, 2011 | 9:23 AM

All of these apply, unfortunately, to my situation. Married 25 years and emotionally and physically disconnected for 99% of that time period. My husband states he doesn't want to talk about things when I try; he puts his hand up at my face. Learned behavior is dangerous. I gave up a long time ago.

Lisa June 14, 2011 | 3:55 PM

I got 5 out of the 7, its especially hard for us because my spouse is working a job in another state. Found out he cheated on me while there, now he refuses to disclose the extent of this relationship or even talk about altogether, I guess he wants me to forget about it like it didnt happen, and not even offer me apology, for this reason our marriage is not going to work. The trust is gone and now he does not care about repairing it.

Jenny February 11, 2011 | 8:28 AM

I got 5 out of 6 too (we didn't have kids). He withdrew completely, had an emotional affair our entire relationship and marriage, refused to go to marriage counseling, and completely disrespected me especially after I lost my job (tho he didn't work the first 3 years of our relationship, he left me a month after I got laid off). When I made my vows to him I meant them unconditionally. I still love him so much and so deeply and we've been divorced a little over a year now. I don't know how to pick up the pieces of my heart and move forward from here.

Samantha August 30, 2010 | 10:44 AM

This list is shocking! It sounds like the author moved in with my husband and I and are describing my life down to the very last detail. We have kids so I am 7 for 7, unfortunately. The cheating one is sketchy because I started dating after we were separated. I guess I'll count it because, technically, we're still married even though we both checked out of our marriage years ago. We have done counseling and romantic getaways. Nothing works. We are also separated and heading towards divorce...

arralia February 26, 2010 | 12:54 PM

Wow. I got 5 out of 6 (no kids so the parent one doesn't apply). We're now separated...

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