The Ex Files

Maybe it was a commitment issue. Maybe it was timing. Maybe he was just an arrogant jerk. Whatever your reason for breaking up with your ex-BF, always consider these tips before you get back together.

Young Couple fighting

You and your beau recently broke up. Now before you become that couple that flip-flops (as in, gets back together to break up again, and so on), please consider there are only a handful of reasons why you should. Getting back into the same bad situation (let's face it, you had your reasons why you broke up the first time), is not a good idea. So read on for expert advice about getting back together with an ex...

The Reason You Broke Up is Stupid

If the time apart made each of you realize that the reason you originally broke up is silly and doesn't really matter at the end of the day, you might want to reconsider, says Karol Ward, a licensed psychotherapist and communication consultant.

"For example, you break up with someone because they don't verbally express their affection as much as you want,"she said, "but then after you are apart, you realize that they were actually expressing their love time and again through gestures such as always walking you home, or checking in with you first before making other plans or bringing a little treat for your dog every time they spent the night."

Fear of Commitment was Your Motive

If you broke up with your man because you're afraid of commitment and have had a change of heart, you can go back on it if possible.

"Your fear of commitment turns out to be minor compared to not having the person you love in your life," explains Ward. "You find yourself feeling lonely. Instead of feeling trapped in a relationship, you feel lost not being in one. Sometimes the only way we get over our fear of being close to another person is by experiencing life without them."

The Single Life is the Pits

Breaking up with someone to experience the "single life"is an okay reason, but if you regret your decision and realize that it's not all it's cracked up to be, see if he'll take you back.

"All those parties and dating you thought would be fun actually turns out to be empty and boring," Ward explains. "You realize you had more fun and laughs with your ex and that there was no one else who 'gets you' the way he did."

You've Assessed Your Situation

If being apart gave you a chance to examine your own behavior in the relationship and you've come to terms with your issues, then consider getting back together with your ex.

"Maybe some of the things you fought about with your ex were actually things you needed to change within yourself," Ward explains. "For example, spending too much money, over-working or putting your family ahead of your relationship might actually be real issues that you allowed to interfere with connection to your significant other." If you realize that and want to fix it, then the relationship is worth another shot.

When It's Not Okay to Go Back

Keep in mind, ladies, it's not always black and white. If you and your ex were arguing a lot, not seeing eye-to-eye and have really large hurdles that you can't overcome, then it's probably best to stay away and give each other some space.

"It's death to a relationship to try to change the other person," says Carol Kryder, mental health expert on JustAnswer.com. "When women find that they're not able to re-make the man to their liking, they will punish him for not changing."

Just do your own thing for awhile. The alone time can mean wonders. Celebrate your aloneness, says Dr. Sybil Keane, psychologist and mental health expert on JustAnswer.com. "Start enjoying life, quit the 'poor me' attitude, take up a challenging hobby or goal, or do something that is totally not your style," Keane suggests. Find out who you are and what you want before you jump back into a relationship -- old or new.

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Comments

Comments on "Is it OK to get back together after a breakup?"

Leslie July 24, 2012 | 1:30 PM

Yup, if it was bad to begin with and you fought more than you had fun together, don't go back. There's a reason you broke up, and even if it was a stupid reason, it was reason enough to end the relationship. Try you're best to move forward instead of backwards!

Emma May 24, 2012 | 3:09 PM

These are great practical truths about revisiting a relationship. If it was bad in the first place, you definitely shouldn't go back! But if one of both of you have had a change of heart on an issue that can be resolved, there is no shame in trying again. Don't make it a pattern though!

steve February 13, 2011 | 11:08 PM

Don't let your pride keep you from the relationship you wanted. Also remember the same people in your ear are the same ones trying to talk or spend time with the person your with relationship wise

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