Love Affair

Men always want sex. That's the message you hear from your friends, from talk-show experts, from TV sitcoms. Except when they don't. What if you find that you're the one craving a deeper sexual connection, but he simply doesn't want sex very often - or ever? How can you rescue your sex life? Read on for couple-tested solutions for bringing intimacy and heat back into your relationship in this exclusive excerpt from the new book by REDBOOK Love Network expert Michele Weiner Davis.

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Sex Starter: Do something different

In relationships, we are often on automatic pilot. Our interactions are so routine that we barely have to think about what we do or say. When, out of the blue, something entirely different occurs, it gets our attention. We're startled and realize we must respond in a new way.


Brenda and Ed, a two-career couple with busy schedules, generally had sex on weekends. This worked out fine for them — until they started fighting about money every Friday night. Because their weekend began with an argument, the next two days were always miserable and sexless. This went on for two months.


Then one Friday night, when Ed initiated the usual conversation about money, Brenda listened patiently to his points and instead of disagreeing vehemently — her usual tactic — she said, "I really hear your point, but I'm a little tired and would prefer waiting until Sunday to discuss this. Is that okay with you?" Surprised by her different response, Ed simply responded, "Okay, whatever."


That night Ed and Brenda went out to dinner and had a good time. On Saturday, they went to a movie and again had fun together. Because things were clicking, Brenda made a move sexually, and Ed responded. It was the first time in over two months that they had made love. By Sunday, they were feeling better about each other than they had for a long time. A simple change in Brenda's behavior changed the pattern that had kept them apart.


Figuring out what to do differently isn't as difficult as you might suspect. Just remind yourself of your more-of-the-same behavior and promise yourself that you are going to do something different, no matter how weird or crazy it may seem. You might not see the results instantaneously; you may have to wait a day or two, or more. Be patient, keep your eyes open, and look for small signs of change.


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Comments on "The sex-starved wife"

Jesse March 28, 2010 | 1:09 PM

The ONLY movie my uncle has ever talked about in his life is Coolhand Luke. His favorite quote: "What we have here is a failure to communicate." or how about that song? "Communication is the problem to the answer." I have spinal damage. I can walk and my "equipment" functions, but it makes it difficult to "function" reliably. What my wife and I have to do is, first, RELAX. Stressing over it will rob you of the emotional bonds when the time comes to enjoy intimacy. And don't expect male enhancement products to solve everything. In my case, and others like it, those won't work. Second, communicate. If you and your spouse aren't talkng before those occasions when he (or she) is able to function, then by the time you get each other in the mood, the ability will be on hold for another day. There's a song "Strokin." the question is asked "What time of day do you like to make love?" Whenever someone sings that song in karaoke we always say to each other "all day" with a laugh. Because we consider our conversation to be "making love." The physical act is just another aspect, but we're "making love" from the moment we wake up. communication again, stop playing games. Head games, dominance games, whatever, aren't good for you. If the physical lose of in your marriage is the straw that's breaking your back, then you haven't been spending enough time on the other aspects of your life.

S.K. November 13, 2009 | 7:50 PM

Basically this article is saying that the woman should play "head games" in order to have . I think all of this is horrible advice. If there is a problem, you should talk to your husband about it. Don't sit and worry that he may not want to hear it. That's what a relationship is all about, give & take. It's not all going to be roses all the time.

macel October 23, 2009 | 5:18 PM

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his into porn October 13, 2009 | 1:54 PM

the wife needs to change; be good friends with his mother, see only the good side in caracter of her brothers inlaw( or other men), clean youre house, no yelling even at youre kids, dont dress up like a porn lady-men learn from eachother if he sees other men married men checking you out he will think it ok look at porn, why porn is bad- it another topick. dont feel sorry for other women out loud-everyone makes their own bed. please cook and cook good food-men love to eat porn can't make the food as good as a wife, always greed other people with a big welcome smile- if youre husbans sees the everyone likes you even it you dont look like a porn star- he will like you the way you are, always buy something cheeper- if they see you spending less money on youre self-he will become less selfish and see that porn, beer, going out to the bar is too expensive and he cant aford it. also tell him that porn hair, nails, shoes, makeup is very expensive and that you rather spend that money on youre kids or support some one that is dyeing from hunger. Also if its youre first marriage then be friends with the people that are also in their first marriage.always be friends with someone that has less work then you so you look better-but only tell youre husband that, not youre friend-beacause you will loose a good friend .one more thing clean the bathroom every day and the place were he watches porn. this will make him think about you. he will realize that the porn girls only take his money and time. and kill him with kindness.

Don January 21, 2009 | 2:22 PM

"probably has nothing to do with how attractive you are" This is true for blind men but for the men who can see looks do matter.

kizzy January 10, 2009 | 1:28 AM

i am in a less marriage and its driving me crazy

Aljabur2009 October 30, 2008 | 3:58 PM

I want y

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