Love Affair

Men always want sex. That's the message you hear from your friends, from talk-show experts, from TV sitcoms. Except when they don't. What if you find that you're the one craving a deeper sexual connection, but he simply doesn't want sex very often - or ever? How can you rescue your sex life? Read on for couple-tested solutions for bringing intimacy and heat back into your relationship in this exclusive excerpt from the new book by REDBOOK Love Network expert Michele Weiner Davis.

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Sex Starter: Stop doing more of the same

When there's a problem in life, we generally try to fix it. And if what we do doesn't work, instead of saying to ourselves, "That didn't work — time to do something different," we usually think, That didn't work; guess I didn't do it with enough determination or insist on it loudly enough. I'll need to try again. And guess what happens when you do more of what hasn't been working? If you're thinking, Things stay the same, you're wrong. Things do not stay the same; they get worse.


When you started to notice that your husband was withdrawing sexually, you probably did what any logical woman would do — you talked to him about it. Perhaps he was even receptive to your discussion at first. When his receptivity didn't translate into his becoming more amorous, however, you probably concluded that it was time for more talk. This time you noticed that he seemed less patient and not nearly as receptive. In fact, he seemed rather annoyed. What was supposed to be a heart-to-heart ended up as an argument.


As you try again and again, you may think you're trying something new — bringing up the topic at a different time of day, for example, or finding a new way into it, with humor or pleading. So you may not even realize that you're doing more of the same. How can you tell? It's simple: You hit the same dead ends over and over. And the harder you try, the worse things seem to get.


Talking is a classic more-of-the-same behavior women fall into, but your actions can be more of the same too. You may be taking what seems like the most logical approach — dressing up in sexy lingerie to turn on your guy, for example — but failing to realize when it's not working. So if seeing you in a slinky nightie makes your low-libido husband feel pressured, then slipping into one again and again will only make him feel even more anxious.


Still having difficulty recognizing your go-nowhere strategies? Ask yourself this (and try not to be defensive!): What would your husband say you do that drives him nuts in regard to this problem?


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Comments on "The sex-starved wife"

Jesse March 28, 2010 | 1:09 PM

The ONLY movie my uncle has ever talked about in his life is Coolhand Luke. His favorite quote: "What we have here is a failure to communicate." or how about that song? "Communication is the problem to the answer." I have spinal damage. I can walk and my "equipment" functions, but it makes it difficult to "function" reliably. What my wife and I have to do is, first, RELAX. Stressing over it will rob you of the emotional bonds when the time comes to enjoy intimacy. And don't expect male enhancement products to solve everything. In my case, and others like it, those won't work. Second, communicate. If you and your spouse aren't talkng before those occasions when he (or she) is able to function, then by the time you get each other in the mood, the ability will be on hold for another day. There's a song "Strokin." the question is asked "What time of day do you like to make love?" Whenever someone sings that song in karaoke we always say to each other "all day" with a laugh. Because we consider our conversation to be "making love." The physical act is just another aspect, but we're "making love" from the moment we wake up. communication again, stop playing games. Head games, dominance games, whatever, aren't good for you. If the physical lose of in your marriage is the straw that's breaking your back, then you haven't been spending enough time on the other aspects of your life.

S.K. November 13, 2009 | 7:50 PM

Basically this article is saying that the woman should play "head games" in order to have . I think all of this is horrible advice. If there is a problem, you should talk to your husband about it. Don't sit and worry that he may not want to hear it. That's what a relationship is all about, give & take. It's not all going to be roses all the time.

macel October 23, 2009 | 5:18 PM

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his into porn October 13, 2009 | 1:54 PM

the wife needs to change; be good friends with his mother, see only the good side in caracter of her brothers inlaw( or other men), clean youre house, no yelling even at youre kids, dont dress up like a porn lady-men learn from eachother if he sees other men married men checking you out he will think it ok look at porn, why porn is bad- it another topick. dont feel sorry for other women out loud-everyone makes their own bed. please cook and cook good food-men love to eat porn can't make the food as good as a wife, always greed other people with a big welcome smile- if youre husbans sees the everyone likes you even it you dont look like a porn star- he will like you the way you are, always buy something cheeper- if they see you spending less money on youre self-he will become less selfish and see that porn, beer, going out to the bar is too expensive and he cant aford it. also tell him that porn hair, nails, shoes, makeup is very expensive and that you rather spend that money on youre kids or support some one that is dyeing from hunger. Also if its youre first marriage then be friends with the people that are also in their first marriage.always be friends with someone that has less work then you so you look better-but only tell youre husband that, not youre friend-beacause you will loose a good friend .one more thing clean the bathroom every day and the place were he watches porn. this will make him think about you. he will realize that the porn girls only take his money and time. and kill him with kindness.

Don January 21, 2009 | 2:22 PM

"probably has nothing to do with how attractive you are" This is true for blind men but for the men who can see looks do matter.

kizzy January 10, 2009 | 1:28 AM

i am in a less marriage and its driving me crazy

Aljabur2009 October 30, 2008 | 3:58 PM

I want y

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