Tips To Get You Through

These articles have been all fun and games lately. From dating strategies to orgasm how-to's, we've just been having way too much fun with our love discussions. We neglect to visit one of the ultimate relationship occurrences: the breakup.

Sad Woman on BedMany of us know this episode all too well. For some, sitting through that Jennifer Aniston/Vince Vaughan flick, albeit a comedy, was more painful to watch than animal torture. Even still, I went to the theater to see that movie with an ex a couple of years ago. We thought it would be funny to celebrate our friendship atop the traumatic break of our lease. What resulted was a ridiculously awkward two hours in a crowded movie theater as we attempted to hide our tears and downplay regrets. As a self-proclaimed "relationship girl" (that is, I was always in mega relationships, was never a serial dater until two years ago), I'm as familiar with the breakup routine as I am my collection of blemishes. I jumped into these relationships without a hint of caution. You could say I really didn't believe a breakup was even remotely evident. And boy, was I wrong. While these breakups differed in reason and circumstance, the feeling that came thereafter was always the same -- heart sinks from disappointment. All of these feelings came back to me this morning at 7:30 a.m. when I received a phone call from a good friend who is now going through a tough breakup. She expressed how difficult it is to get out of bed in the morning. I remember those days -- the morning was the worst. I used to think it was because when you fall asleep you forget about your sorrows, but when you wake up, it's like you realize all over again what had happened. In retrospect, I think the mornings are the worst mainly because you are waking up alone and everything is different. Maybe these tips will help…

Breakup Healing Tip 1:
Realize that in waking up alone, you're waking up to a better tomorrow. This person may not have valued your worth enough to make things work, or maybe you and your ex just didn't fit well together. At either case, your future is going to fare better because now you'll have the opportunity to find someone who's a better fit for you. My friend then told me how much she misses her exboyfriend. She says he won't speak to her because he's "had enough." This only hurts her more, as you can imagine. Breakup Healing Tip 2: Good relationships are those that embody excellent communication. If your significant other wishes to end things, then so be it. If he or she wasn't willing to communicate and work on the problem, then accept your loss. This person wants space, let them have it. It's possible that space is all this person needs and he or she may reach out to you after they've processed their thoughts. Then it will be up to you to figure out whether the relationship is worth another try. Breakup Healing Tip 3: It's also important to recognize that it's normal to miss someone you were attached to. You got used to each other, you became fond of one another, you enjoyed the company, so of course there will be a missing gap in your life.

Breakup Healing Tip 4:
In looking back fondly at what you two had together that was good, also keep in mind that this only means you were a fantastic girlfriend or boyfriend. You two worked well together for as long as you did partly because of some of the contributions you made to the relationship. Don't ever lose sight of the fact that you brought a lot to the table and always give yourself some credit in being a good girlfriend or boyfriend. Breakup Healing Tip 5: Don't focus on his good qualities. Understand that, yes, he or she too made some contributions to the relationship and there were things about him or her that you adored. But discover that the negative aspects of the relationship that eventually led to your downfall outweighed all the not-so-bad things he or she did. The breakup happened for a reason so be aware of that and don't make excuses. It's best to not be ignorant, stay true to your feelings, and understand what really happened. After telling my friend all of these key points, she asked me, "How did you get through this?" I proceeded to recall the other measures I took in order to heal (besides those mentioned above)... Breakup Healing Tip 6: The most important thing I can advise someone who is going through a breakup to do is keep yourself busy. I went away on vacation. Doing so really put things in perspective. I realized that while my current condition (as in, being sad over a failed relationship) felt devastating at the time, I knew it was only temporary and there are greater experiences on the horizon. You must become more secure with yourself, cultivate a self confidence that had diminished as a result of the breakup, and become more self sufficient than ever. Learning to stand on your own is a beautiful thing.

Breakup Healing Tip 7:
Until you fully gain that confidence back, please don't beat yourself up over your breakup. So many people just want to "get over it" as soon as possible, and it just doesn't work that way. You have to go through the motions and let time heal all wounds. Don't give your heart a deadline -- take as long as you need to heal. Waking up the day after will be hard -- yes -- but the next day won't be as tough, and the day after that will be even easier. And before you know it, you'll wake up without even thinking twice about ... wait, what's his/her name again?


Comments on "Breakup healing strategies"

Tina July 24, 2012 | 1:54 PM

These are really great, real tips that I find very useful. I like the one about not beating yourself up, and realizing that you're waking up to a new tomorrow. You're not going to be alone forever. Also, realizing that it's OK to miss someone. Anyone that's no longer a part of your life is going to be missed.

Claudia Broome September 15, 2010 | 8:55 AM

I think that your tip #7 is so very important because without a positive self worth and confidence, it's so hard to move on. One of the things that can really help, as strange as it sounds is exercising. When you exercise, it releases endorphins in the brain which give you a good feeling. When you experience that good feeling, it's easier to feel better about yourself. Tip #5 is so wise because we all try to focus on people's good points when we are confronted by their bad points. So focusing on the bad when trying to get over someone makes so much sense. The last comment about not giving yourself a time limit is also so very important because everyone grieves differently. After all, a break up can be like a death and everyone is different in how they move on. Great post.

Judy May 21, 2009 | 5:40 PM

This is my 3rd try to submit this. I'm 61 and after 3 failed marriages and retirement moved to Fla to be near my son and grandsons and was at peace at last. Then out of the blue a fiance from college 1967 was put in touch with me. We bonded over the phone for 9mos then when we saw each other we fell in love all over again. After sending for him to fly down 3 times he asked me to move to Va to be with him from then on! I felt good and sure about this like God had sent me a blessing. After I moved things changed in a big way. I broke my ankle, lowered my standard of living to deal with a rough neighborhood and dealt with constant ileegal traffic in and out of his house that he was allowing his young sons to carry on. I paid him monthly rent, he used my car whenever and I was a ual convenience for him but I still felt that he loved me. After 1yr I had to move into my own place so I did.We still saw each oter but I felt it was slipping away and he was seeing others.I still did for his children and then in Dec he just ditched me and wouldn't call or recieve calls from me. I was devastated!! Why did he ask me here? Was it to make his ex who left him jealous, was it to have someone for a convenience ually, to use my car whenever? I never got an answer and have been so low at tinmes I have considered suicide! Iv' done everthing humanly possible to heal and found that God is the only one who can get me through this. He moved me out of ther before the fed raided the house and I know will get me through this too. It is not easy to spring back at 61 even though Im alway told I look in my 40ies. ually I dont know if Ill ever heal, Recently i discovered that he has moved a 21yr old, uneducated, strip dancer into his house and she drives his cars and he does much for her.I felt humilated that I was replaced by her. It hurts deeply but its helping me to heal now because nowI know who he really is!! I called him to asdk for my spare set of car keys and he acted like nothing had ever happened.He did say that he was trying to tell me all along that it was over I feel he wasn't man enough to say it to me. I still have feelings for him and forgive him but he I almost let him bury me when I need to bury the whole thing.I have one other friend in this city and now have to decide where to go next. I hope anyone who reads this will learn dont move for anyone and dont let them USE you no matter howgood your heart is they don't appreciate it. I pray God will show me decietful evil people from children of his from now on.

chris September 30, 2008 | 3:25 PM

well, i moved unexpectedly and dont have an easy way to get back to where i was before. that was about 5 months ago. we had the whole "what are we gonna do now bc of distance thing". we broke up...we got back within 2 days. he flew in to see me. he was supposed to stay a month but for some reason he shortened his trip and left 2 weeks earlier. it was a big shock and he kept saying how we were still gonna see each othe ragain one day...blah blah...then less than a month later hes already dating someone else while im far away from him trying everything to find a way to get back to him. now i don even know anything anymore...bc shes uglier than that means he likes her. and im broken.

rhonda September 20, 2008 | 5:27 AM

My boyfriend of 3 years ended our relationship via text message 2 wks ago as he says "his heart wasn't 100% there" and thought someday he would ask me to marry him, he loved me etc- A few times his mysterious phone calls and text messages from "LORI" just a friend became more frequant (she too was involved and engaged) the lies that they are NOT together has been confirmed as she has broken off the engagement with her man and moved in with my ex all within 2 wks!!! I was and still am emotionally a mess!!! I'm taking time off from dating and finding ME doing things I've put on the back burner.....Right now I still HATE HIM and hope that in time the hurt will go away!!! I know I deserve to smile and each day I wake up I hope that this is the day I'm smiling-then he'll hit me with a text message that says HE NEEDS HIS HEAD EXAMINED and HOW BAD HE MISSES ME.....Oh the head game is killing me!!!

Tara August 27, 2008 | 6:38 AM

This is great advice! It works, Funny I did figure all this out on my own. Just broke up with my ex 2 weeks ago. I saw it coming it never felt right, I always felt he was hiding something. He was married and lied to me the whole time about it. It makes me sad, as outside the married part he seemed perfect for me. Telling me he wanted to marry me and adopt my children and he loved them as if they were his own. I do miss him being around me and talking to me. But I also know if he cheated with me, he will probally cheat on me,if he ever left his wife and I took him back.(I found out this was not the first time he cheated on his wife, and she took him back again.) It ended ugly but I know I will always carry something special for him and think of our good times. I forgive him but I will never forget what he did to me and my kids by coming into our life knowing he was not totally emotionally available. (living a double life) I do know I deserve better and I am wiser and stronger. I know Mr. Right will show up one day. Untill then I'm taking time off from dating and working on myself to be a better me.

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