Stages while going through a divorce

May 27, 2008 3:45 PM by Ruth Haag

Posted in Love & Sex / Divorce & Breakups

Facing Separation

Every relationship goes through its share of struggles. So why do some relationships end in divorce while others seem to find a way to work things through? Experts say that this typically has a lot to do with several factors.

Broken Rings
One factor includes the kinds of issues that cause the couple to struggle. Chances for resolution are better if the problem is situational and not chronic. Many couples fight over the same issue again and again. If this is happening in your relationship, you are in a cycle that will rarely end without outside help.

In some cases the couple may be dealing with differences in their values and beliefs that often don't come to light until challenges in life occur. Our beliefs are highly ingrained, and we rarely can change them simply to accommodate another person, even someone we value and love. We can learn to be more flexible and to compromise, but there comes a point when the necessary changes are just too extreme. It would mean giving up on what we believe or to make choices that would not be in the best interest of our children and ourselves.

The success of a marriage also depends on the psychological health of the individuals involved. Both people have to be willing and able to work on their independent issues. In the case of one of the individuals suffering from a mental health issue, chances of real progress are greatly diminished. If your partner truly makes an ongoing effort on their own to make changes, the marriage can still be reasonably healthy and satisfying, but it will remain challenging for years to come.

I have often asked myself, how does divorce really come to pass? Granted, there are some people that just do not want to be married, or they just give up and don't have the desire to work on a relationship. However, most people do not want to be divorced as a general rule. It is something that happens when all avenues have been exhausted. Are there predictable and reliable signs of the end? Is there a clear way to determine if things are truly getting better or worse? How do you know when you shouldn't put in more time, and it is time to walk away?

In reviewing dozens of relationships and discussing my observations with experts, including Sharon Rivkin, author of The First Argument, there are four stages that typically occur. It can be difficult to see these phases when you are going through them; however, if you can see yourself and your relationship in one of these stages, you might be able to still change the direction you are headed. You may also see that the relationship is truly toxic, and it is time to do something before things get worse. Preserving the individuals and the children, if there are any, should be the number one goal. We often sacrifice the well-being of the family members in an attempt to save something that can't be saved.

Denial.

A couple may sense friction but rather than deal with it, they tend to fall into their busy lives and distractions. The fact that the relationship is beginning to struggle fades into the background. They dismiss the comments, the small fights and the hurt looks. They fail to notice the same issues that are coming up repeatedly, and the emotional rictor scale is showing increasing instability.

Recognition.

It is in this stage that counseling, arguing and bargaining truly become the focus of the relationship. Depending on how healthy the individuals are, how committed they are to making changes and how much they truly care about the other person and their happiness, the marriage may have a chance. Once couples enter counseling, they often make an attempt to do better and show some effort, but this can produce a false sense of security. Therefore it's not reflective of what is actually happening or will happen in the near future.

Resignation.

In some cases, people will leave the relationship when counseling doesn't prove to be the magic cure. They know the other person either can't or won't change. They know they can't live with things as they are, and they move on. However, many people are not able to take this incredibly difficult step. This may be due to emotional reasons or it may be due to more practical issues. They decide they are going to simply "live with it", and they choose to accept that this is their life.

Wake-up call.

Not every relationship has to experience this. Some couples live very separate lives and remain together. Through appropriate, outside activities, they can find a sense of contentment that makes their lives work. However, many couples are now deeply unhappy and at least one partner is feeling very unloved and hopeless as their needs continually go unmet. This can often turn into resentment and anger. The problem comes when that anger and hurt materializes, either internally or externally. If there are children involved, they will most often pay the price.

I would hope that everyone would always choose to fight, to work and make their marriages last. However, as you move through this process, be aware there are signs that can tell you where you are headed and what your life will look like when you get there. It is a choice that needs to take all the members of the family into account. Children need security, consistency and love. Sometimes we do need to make difficult choices to give our families the healthiest lives we possibly can.

Comments

Comments on "Stages while going through a divorce"

My husband and I have known each other for 15 yrs been together for 10 as a couple and married 8 of those, we have 3 young children. For the past 4 yrs its been a roller coaster, he moved to our first place we started out with me and kids, only to want a divorce 5 months later (2009) then we went up and down he moved out of home officially june 2010, then back and forward, staying over @ my place (sayig he still loved me) We had many violent/ verbal/ physical fights, I found "pubic" hairs in his car , and long dark strands, I'm blonde!! He then said he was thinking of moving to uk to his family!! And then phoned me from airport in NOV 2011 last year and said he is going!! While there over Dec he said he wanted me and kids there, that he misses and loves me very much!! I was starting the process, selling up getting paper work!! But now I think it was all in vain, we are getting a divorce because there us no trust!! I'm devastated!! My kids have NO dad, and my heart is Torn! Was it for real that he truly loved me !??? And what went on in his head???

Just be good to her, give her unconditional love and pray to God. If she is a good woman she will come back to her senses. She needs to fix things with her husband and mariage.

We just got married a less than a year ago and we have decided to separate because we were fighting all the time. He had some issues with prescription medicine but repeatedly denied it. We then started to have major trust issues and I became angry. I have a pretty good job that financially is rewarding, he dislikes it because I am always around men. I was previously married at a young age and I have a beautiful child, his father and I have always been good friends. Well when my husband and I got into our biggest fight ever , I went and stayed at my ex- husbands house to be with my son. I went there because my girlfriends were tired of hearing about my husbands issues and they were not big fans, also I explained to my husband that I was going there and he said fine just call me in the morning. I thought all night about our marriage and decided I wanted to go to marriage counseling, so I called him first thing and he was so rude and disrespectful, after all the lies and hurt , he decided because I went there that I had ruined our marriage! I begged and pleaded and nothing was coming of it. A week or so later we made amends and we thought we were gonna be better, well I then find a drug in his vehicle and he pretends or states that he has no idea, I moved out. I did not file for a divorce but I started therapy. Since the past month I have lived in my home and he has lived in his. He told me he wants to make headway and wants us to be together but now can't forgive me for staying one night at my ex's house with my child. I can respect his hurt but he agreed that I should go there, also while he states that he wants to be together, he still does not pay a whole lot of attention to me and at times can be very ugly, also keeps his phone to himself, and does not go out of his way to show love or concern. Do I give up?

I have been married for years i have 2 year old and my husbund has cheated on me 4 times and got a woman pregnant and has not seen or helped that child I tried church to help us move past it but I just want out but I feel so much pain.... How should I deal with it?

I have been married for 10 years. My husband, who controlled our finances, ran me in the ground behind my back. He did many deceitful things in managing our finances to the demise of my credit. He also had a gambling problem for 18 months. There were no warning signs of his gambling problem or our financial problems. I was basically hit over the head with our financial woes and his acts of deceit. I really do not know how to forgive him. I was happy with him but he also made me feel inadequate. I feel his opinion of a wife is unrealistic. I have thought about giving him another chance. However, I feel he has a problem with not living in reality and I do not know if I can ever forgive him for his actions or ever trust him again. I feel when he goes back to his old ways of emotionally abusing me I will only think of his past deceitful actions. The thoughts of him right now mainly make me sick. It is has been almost a year since I found out about his deceit and I am still in anger mode. I feel I will be imprisioned by these emotions if I stay with him. The only peace that I have to not think of my past hurt is when he does not contact me. It feels like a death too. I have two children. As much as I hate it, I feel I am not good with him and there is a part of my family that is dead without him. I do not know what the right answer is. How do you know if you are making the right choice. I feel like I am at a crossroad.

Dear Sir: I always feel that when we let a person think that we are willing to let them go, if that is what will make them most happy, they will think twice about it. Stay with the point that you love her very much but, that you are willing to let her go and be with this other older man if that is what she wants, but, you will not share her. Let her know that deceit will only affect her health emotionally and yours. Tell her that often times, we as people, fantasize over a person that gives us attention romantically thinking in illusion that this person will be wonderful day by day. It is simply not true...When day by day stresses hit this new relationship that was imagined to be better, it will have the chance of boredom or lack luster, day to day ,as much as the one she is in. "The Grass Is Not Greener On The Other Side, Just A Different Color of Green" Money stress can wear heavy on a marriage...Try to take breaks if she is willing and they are within reason to a new locale, an inexpensive weekend away occasionally and don;t forget to date each other. IF she is still insistant on persuing this unhealthy fliration with the older man, stay strong, get into a support group or Divorce Recovery Group and do things with your daughter or other single parents and take time to heal. You are right to want to make the marriage work. Give her some flowers, tell her she looks pretty and buy her a lovely nightie..Put rose petals on the bed at a reasonable motel and have wine poured when she enters. Tell her you will meet her there. Wrap up a nice bottle of cologne for her. Write a love note. IF she still decides to leave, tell her to be honest with herself and you and let her go knowing that you tried everything you could to make her feel beautiful and young. You will be at peace.

I have been married for 15 years to my wife who i love very much. We have had alot of money problems and and other problems that come with it. for my wife it has been it as been devistating. I tend to handle it a lot better but I do feel alot of guilt about it. My wife does not feel secure. we also have had intimacy issues she has always been more ual than me. She feels I havent been there for her like I should have. She left me for 2 months she came home and told me that she had feelings for some older guy who is financially secure and makes her feel good. and she also said she Kissed him and they touched eachother innapropriatly she said she stopped it told him she was married and left. she said she felt bad but she still has feelings for him that she is trying to fight. She was surprised when i told her i forgave her. She said she loves me but just not the way I love her. Shes been staying at our hous with me and our 13 year old daughter and weve actually gotten closer even physically she even says that. but she saying that she has made the marriage to complicated by what shes done Itold her I just want to move on and make our relationship strong but she wants to reflect on the past and just constantly brings up past problems. I have done alot of reflecting on my life and ways to change it and have been doing very good at it, but my wife who is probably the most stubbon and prideful person I know says I am just trying to get things my way and if she commits to stay I will just go back to my old ways. I do not want to go back to that way at all for myself or my family. I reallize how valuable my wife is to me. i want us to work things out what she did was out of character she is agood person. What can I do to get her to whant to work on our relationship? please help me.