Where pleasure blooms

Dear Brian,

Help! I am a 21-year-old woman who can't climax. My boyfriend suggests that I try a vibrator. Trouble is, I'm way too embarrassed to go into a sex shop and buy one, and so is he. I can order one over the Internet, but I have no idea which one I'm best suited for. Do you have any advice?

— Troubles in Bed

Dear Troubles in Bed,

Advice? I can do better than that. I can supply information. I may be a columnist, but I have the heart of an investigative reporter.First, I did a google search on sex shops in New York City (my place of residence). That brought up a list of shops with incredible names. Some examples: The Pleasure Chest, Toys in Babeland, The Pink Pussycat.I rejected these places for the simple reason that they didn't meet my criteria: 1) I needed a place on the west side so that I wouldn't have to take crosstown transportation (the ultimate New York scourge), and 2) The store had to have a website for ordering purposes.I settled on Eve's Garden on West 57th Street. I posed as a customer.Eve did not serve as my saleswoman. Eve's Garden, it turns out, is corporate. The headquarters are in Peabody, Massachusetts. Peabody came into existence in 1626 as a district within Salem. Peabody developed a very Puritan ethic. Not only did the Peabodians go along with the Salem Witch Trials, for instance, but it was in Peabody proper that the stoning of the convicted took place.Ironic that Peabody should now accommodate the sex shop industry.In Eve's Garden, a very relaxed woman named Nikki served as my saleswoman. Nikki came dressed in a long robe, with an Afro of gray hair and an overabundance of blue eyeliner. She spoke in tranquil tones, the antithesis of her midtown address."Was there really ever an Eve?" I asked."Well, yes," Nikki answered, softly. "You've read Genesis. The Eve of the Bible is the Eve of Eve's Garden.""Oh," I replied.Nikki continued, "As you can see we have it all here: dildos, lubricants, vibrators, fetish fashion, handcuffs. But unlike hardcore sex shops, we cater to kindness. We cater to warmth. Sex shops should not be intimidating. I like to think of Eve's Garden as a safe haven. We have a motto: 'Where pleasure blooms.'"Nikki offered me a cup of tea. "We have chamomile, orange spice, and red zinger," she said. "I take you for a red zinger kind of guy."I prefer orange spice, but I went with her suggestion. Nikki certainly was an effective saleslady.While Nikki meandered over to the tea corner, I took stock of my surroundings. Eve's Garden offers its merchandise in corridors, or "galleries" in the vernacular of the shop. There's a Gallery of Lubes and Lotions. There's a Gallery of Harnesses with names like the Vixen and the Mistress and the Huntress. There's a Gallery of Literature. Nikki found me leafing through a copy of Penthouse Forum."Oh, that's my favorite," she said. "I love the stories. They get me all hot and bothered."Nikki handed me a cup and saucer with a cube of sugar on the side."So you've come here for erotic fiction?" she said."No, actually, I'm here for a vibrator," I replied.Nikki smiled. She then introduced me to the Eve's Garden's name for vibrators. "Here, we call them ‘delights,' and we have every one you could ever want," she said. "This month, in fact, we're having a sale. Who's it for, your girlfriend?""Yes," I lied. What was I going to say? For my mom?Nikki took my hand and gently led me over to the Gallery of Delights. In a space the size of a decent walk-in closet, the world of delights beckoned. There were electric models, manual models, and battery-operated brands. There were intriguing-sounding names, like the Blue Delilah ($95, pre-sale price), the Athena ($13, featured in Health Magazine and therefore temporarily out of stock), the Nefertiti ($21, waterproof for the bath), Lady Godiva ($45, tickles like chocolate) and the Rock Your World ($80, looks like a squirt gun)."Let me show you my favorite," Nikki said. And then she picked up -- no surprise -- a vibrator called the Delight ($170)."This is great for everyone, from the first-time user to the crusty old veteran," Nikki said. "It combines exterior stimulation with simultaneous insertable functionality. Look at the handle. What do you see?""It curls," I answered, "like the handle of a fencing sword.""Exactly," Nikki said. "That's why we call it the ‘Royal Curl.' The Royal Curl allows for luxurious erotic pleasures. According to your girlfriend's mood, she can enjoy smooth and relaxed pulsation, or a strong massage, or a more intense stimulation."The thought of "more intense stimulation" made me blush. Nikki grabbed another vibrator. Excuse me -- another delight. "This is brand new," she said. "The OhMiBod ($70). It connects to your iPod or mp3 player and vibrates to the beat and rhythm of the music. The OhMiBod is designed to hit that magic 'G' note in all of us. Personally, I prefer older technologies. I guess I'm a woman of my generation."She quickly answered the question on my mind. "This is right out of my generation," she said, grabbing another model. "It's called the Zodiac ($60) and they began making them during the sexual revolution of the 1960s. There are twelve Zodiacs in all, each a different color according to your sign. What sign is your girlfriend?""Cancer," I lied."Great," Nikki said. She picked up a light green model. "What do Cancers want? According to our research, they want cuddling, nibbling, snuggling. Licking even. This wondrous toy supplies burst-like bubbles at different speeds. Me, I'm a Taurus. I have a robust and vigorous character. I like my sex toys that way too. Plus, I love the orange color."I spilled my tea at the thought of her "robust and vigorous character." Plus, in my way of thinking orange marks the terrorist threat level. Beware of red, the most dangerous on the threat meter. Red, according to the Zodiac vibrator, represents the Aries -- to equal her raging character."Do you have any questions?" Nikki asked.My thoughts turned to my own needs. "Well, yes," I said. "Do you have any love oils?"Nikki smiled. "Of course," she said. She took my hand and gently led me over to the Gallery of Lubes and Lotions. I won't tell you what I purchased (at least not in this particular column), but I will say that Eve's Garden stocks everything. The website is evesgarden.com . It's not really appropriate for columnists to offer endorsements -- but, trust me, you won't be disappointed.