Turn It On

The popularity of television shows like Sex and the City has shown that women are interested in sex. Unfortunately, real life tends to get in the way. From taking care of the kids, the house and oftentimes dealing with work on top of that, there isn't always enough time or energy left over at the end of the day.

Man and Woman

Despite the challenges, there are women who are enjoying an increased sex drive after kids, but for many it remains a continuing problem. Here, moms share their hints and tips about what has helped them improve their sex drive.

Be comfortable with yourself

One of the reasons many women report an increase in sex drive as they get closer to age 30 is because they begin to feel comfortable with themselves. Having a child forces women to focus on the good things their bodies do, and for some this feeling carries over and permanently changes how they see themselves.

"Having a son made it actually 'hit home' that I was a woman. A lot had to do with my inner feelings about myself," says Joyce Anthony of Pennsylvania.

Get help in other aspects of life

Don't try to do everything yourself. If you're too tired to stay awake for sex, it obviously isn't going to happen. Ask your partner to help out. If they know that it will make you more likely to be open to sex later, many partners will jump at the chance. Aline Zoldbrod, PhD, a Boston-based sex therapist and author of Sex Talk: Uncensored Exercises for Exploring What Really Turns You On urges women to "stop being a superwomen." "You will never feel sexual if you are exhausted and depleted and up to the gills in responsibility. Ask for help. Buy the brownies, don't bake them."

Spice things up

Sometimes all it takes to get things moving again is a change in scenery. Try staying at a hotel for the weekend to get away from your regular life. Look at your partner suggestively while at a party. Sleep in the nude. Try something different sexually that you have always wanted to try.

"Initiate sex," recommends Rhea Palmer from Tennessee. "Buy some sexy panties and wear just them to bed. Take control and be sure he knows what you want. I think foreplay is the key to anyone who has a lower sex drive."

Get physical

Getting physically active can help women increase their sex drive in two ways. First, we feel better about ourselves, so we are more likely to feel comfortable enough to be intimate with our partners. Second, according to Debbie Mandel, author of Turn on Your Inner Light: Fitness for Body, Mind, and Soul, exercising releases hormones that raise your libido. Strength training in particular helps releases testosterone, which increases sexual desire.

Try it, you'll like it

Many women, especially those with younger children, are very reluctant to give up sleep for sex. When they are "on call" 24/7, sleep becomes a precious commodity.

"I really think it all boils down to exhaustion in my case" states Kate*, a mother ofDo Not Disturb Sign two in Pennsylvania. "I'm just too tired. If I get a few minutes to myself, I just want to sit, and veg, and interact with no one."

While many women agree with these sentiments, some pleasantly discover that when they give in and forgo sleep for sex, they really enjoy the results. The key is remembering these times when libido is low. Sex is actually a great stress relief.

Anthony reminds women that "great sex calms your nerves, actually gives you greater energy, helps you sleep sounder and generally increases your mood."

If that doesn't work...

If, even after trying various things, your desire level is still low, you may want to try these two tactics:

One, if you had a sex drive before, think about what has changed. Zoldbrod recommends making "a list of the ingredients of your 'sexual recipe' back in the days when you were feeling more desire. Look at the list and see how far your current experience has diverged from your old experience with sex."

Make sure you discuss this with your partner, but be careful to not lay blame. You are simply trying to brainstorm ways to make things better, not point fingers.

Two, go to your doctor. The cause may be hormonal. Sometimes problems with the thyroid can cause desire problems for women. Also ask your doctor about birth control pills. Some doctors, including Dr Andre Guay, the director of the Center for Sexual Function/Endocrinology, think that the hormones in birth control may have something to do with low desire.

Whatever the cause, increasing your sexual drive will benefit your marriage and your well being. Make the effort. Kelly Muzyczka in Pittsburgh recalled telling her husband that they were so likely to be interrupted that she would rather say no and be frustrated than say yes and be annoyed later. "I think now that I was wrong. Try anyway. It's worth it for the times you DO succeed."

Find out What he wants... in bed!


Recommended for you


Comments on "Restart your sex drive"

Katie June 12, 2012 | 7:28 AM

I think a lot of men are not selfish at all. KingKashew you should try talking to your wife and letting her know that you want to have more . I have always found that communicating is always best. And be honest, no matter what. With my husband and I, it's the opposite. HE'S usually the one too tired for because he works extremely long days. I always tell him to just be honest with me, if he wants it...let me know. If not, there's always tomorrow (or the next day, no pressure).

Motz January 25, 2012 | 7:29 PM

@Marie, Hapana, sweetwoman I'd say that the articles here are focused on women pampering/pleasing men because this is a site primarily aimed towards women. There are plenty of articles for men on how to please the ladies in their life on askmen, which is aimed more towards males.

KingKashew August 21, 2011 | 5:28 AM

@Marie - That's a pretty broad statement, to simply declare men across the board are 'very selfish'. I cook 80% of the time, easily do half or more of the regular cleaning, take care of my kids, as well as do anything considered 'remotely physical' around the house. I also handle all the finances, and while my current wife (then fiance) was going to school to eventually get her masters degree - I was putting my nose to the grindstone to make enough money for us to have a place to live and food to eat with my 2-year degree. I regularly buy her things that I know she'd like, or go above and beyond for special occasions. When it comes to the bedroom, her needs are always first. (this feeling isn't reciprocated - I'm lucky if she's even in the mood to 'let' me once every month or so - current drought has been just about 4 months) I'd go so far as to say I am anything but selfish. I realize I'm not the man in your life - so I can't really say whether you are wrong or not to think that about your SO - but being so blind as to declare that all men are very selfish is moronic.

Marie January 18, 2011 | 6:48 PM

Agree with you sweetwoman 100%! Why is it that we are supposed to be mother's, wives, maids and a queen. If a man were to walk in our shoes one entire day they would understand where we are coming from. Its always one sided and we always have to do all the work. We smell good, do up our hair, paint up our face and finger/toe nails, wear the cutest outfits and iest shoes, do all the bedroom tricks and teases and what do we get out of it? Men need to step up and pitch in. I constantly leave articles laying around for my husband to read. Men should know that if they did some "extra's" for us ladies once in a while they would get a much more happy and productive wife or gf. Men are very selfish...but if they put forth any effort they would learn that it would put us in a much better mood and the day would be better for the both of us.

Hapana February 16, 2010 | 4:30 PM

I realy agree with sweetwoman,I've read most of the articles but there all about women papering men/ pleasing them. May we ladies have the great articles whereby men pleases us in either bed or carering..

sweetwoman December 22, 2009 | 2:38 PM

I wish men would get more tips on how to get a woman to stay interested in ....there are too many articles for women to please men, which I find rather ist....how about some articles on how women need some real pampering to want in the first place, and how they need a lot more foreplay then most men seem to think!!

sam October 20, 2008 | 1:33 PM

+ Add Comment

(required - not published)