The sex-starved marriage: When your libidos don't match

May 07, 2008 12:00 AM by Michele Weiner Davis

Posted in Love & Sex / Orgasms & Sexual Health / Sex Facts & Studies

The Sex-Starved Marriage

Many couples find themselves tangled in a troubling web when their sex drives are different, and it can wreck havoc on a marriage. Michele Weiner Davis, author of The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido - A Couple's Guide, shares some advice to put your marriage and your sex life on the right track!

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Sex-starved marriage?

Sex IS important

Contrary to what you might be thinking, saying that a marriage is "sex-starved" tells you virtually nothing about how much or how little sex a couple is actually having. It's not about numbers. It's not just about sex-less couples who have slept in separate bedrooms for years.

In fact, it includes couples who, according to national surveys, have an "average" amount of sex each month. Since, unlike vitamins, there are no recommended daily requirements to ensure a healthy sex life, a sex-starved marriage is more about the fallout that occurs when one spouse is deeply unhappy with his or her sexual relationship and this unhappiness is ignored, minimized, or dismissed. The resulting disintegration of the relationship encapsulates the real meaning of a sex-starved marriage.

Sex is an extremely important part of marriage. When it's good, it offers couples opportunities to give and receive physical pleasure, to connect emotionally and spiritually. It builds closeness, intimacy, and a sense of partnership. It defines their relationship as different from all others. Sex is a powerful tie that binds.

As with Debra and Tom, when one spouse isn't interested in sex, the touching, kissing, and other forms of physical affection and intimacy often cease as well. Spouses distance from each other emotionally. They carry on their lives together in much the same way that two toddlers might engage in parallel play -- involved in similar activities in close proximity but without meaningful connection. Marriage becomes mechanical. Friendship often evaporates. Anger bubbles just below the surface. Misunderstandings abound. Emotional "divorce" becomes inevitable.

More highly sexed partners such as Tom feel confused and cheated by their spouses' lack of interest in their sex lives and try to figure out what's at the root of their partners' rejections. Unfortunately, they often assume the worst: "My wife isn't attracted to me," or "He must be having an affair," or "The kids' needs are more important than mine."

When people believe that their spouses aren't attracted to them, that their marriages or their feelings aren't important, or that an affair is brewing, they feel rejected, suspicious, hurt, resentful, and unloved. They start doubting themselves and their abilities to satisfy their spouses. They often feel deeply depressed about the void in their marriages.

When they try to explain these feelings to their partners, their explanations are often flatly dismissed. "You don't have the need to feel closer to me, you're just a sex maniac," or "If you would go to work in the real world rather than be home with the kids, you would understand why I'm so tired all the time," or "If you weren't so controlling, you would just accept that I'm not as physical as you are and you would leave me alone!" or "It's only sex. What's the big deal?"

However, to someone like Tom -- the partner yearning for a better sexual relationship -- being lovers is a big deal. It's much more than mere physical pleasure. It's connection, intimacy, closeness, and affection. It's about feeling attractive, feeling masculine or feminine, and feeling whole as a person. It's about being in love. It's about a feeling of oneness. But since people with low sexual desire aren't hungering for a sexual connection, they're not overly empathetic to their spouses' feelings and do little to make significant changes in their relationships.
Eventually, feelings of rejection become increasingly difficult to manage. Sadness turns to anger. Those yearning for more physical closeness vacillate between being distant and unpleasant. And although these behaviors are merely symptoms of underlying hurt, people with low sexual desire don't perceive their spouses' behavior quite so benevolently. Empathy is in short supply. Arguments about sex, or the lack of it, become the norm. Blame-slinging disagreements add to the already icy distance between spouses. Then, like a runaway train, it's not long before their bitterness and animosity collide head-on with every other aspect of their relationship. Nothing seems right anymore.

Does any of this sound familiar to you? Have you felt starved for a better sexual relationship with your spouse? Are you desperately yearning to be touched, held, fondled, and caressed? Have your pleas for closeness and more sexual connection fallen on deaf ears? Do you tell yourself that your spouse will never understand your sexual needs? Do you sometimes feel defeated -- times when you've considered divorce or satisfying your needs for sexuality and intimacy outside your marriage?

Or on the other hand . . .

Where's your libido?

Are you someone whose sexual desire has plummeted out of sight? Do you feel mystified by your apparent disinterest in sex? Are you frustrated and angry about the never-ending arguments with your spouse? Have disappointment and hurt between you made intimacy an even less likely prospect? Or do you find yourself wishing that this whole "sex thing" would stop ruining your otherwise decent marriage?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, I implore you to keep reading because your marriage is at risk. Unsatisfying sexual relationships are the all-too-frequent causes of alienation, infidelity and divorce. Given our sobering divorce rate -- one out of every two marriages dies -- you cannot afford to be complaisant about the wedge between you and your spouse. You need to address this very important aspect of your relationship, and you need to do it now.

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Comments

Comments on "The sex-starved marriage: When your libidos don't match"

What is there to say? The article hits the nail on the head with its descriptions of marriages like mine -- my wife only makes love to me under pressure and everything is mechanical and without passion. This article is a huge disappointment because the author clearly wants to sell books, not help tens of thousands of people. Thanks for nothing Michele. Best of luck to all the other troubled readers.

To say my marriage is sex starved is an understatment. I hadn't had sex for over 40 years. Been married 45 years, the only time when we had sex was our wedding night and maybe once after that. My husband never really lived with me, he set up house keeping in our basement the day after our wedding night. We haven't talked in months, and when we do its grunts and groans from him. He worked nights all his life, I've never been on vacaation with him, he always cancelled it and never had a weekend together in all this time. We have no kids, and I'm kind of thankful for that. Been miserable and depressed all these years, also I've learned that I wasn't going to get any sex, intimacy or love.

My wife of 17 years stopped having desire for sex more than 5 years ago. It's down to about 10 times a year now. I've lost all desire to put anything into the marriage now and walk around like a zombie yearning for death. I even find it difficult to masturbate now I'm so depressed. Kids are grown and out now. We make good money both working from home. No problems or worries, other than the typical life stuff. She's always too tired, so she says. I work two jobs and help out around the house. We go on trips and casinos and dine out nicely. But still no sex. We have talked at length trying to figure it out and I told her what I need (basically once or twice a week please). She can't seem to pin point her problem ("I think I'm just tired all the time"). I think sex is the last thing from her mind, ever. She/we love each other very much and we hold hands like clock work. We'll snuggle at the TV but the fizz runs out before we get to the bedroom, every time. I try to continue but she just pushes me away and says she's tired, every time. I take good care of myself, physically fit and well groomed. She's added a little weight but I tell her how hot she is all the time, she is pretty and has hot legs and a$$, I want her, I really do want her. Now I'm so frustrated I've started walking around the house naked. Who cares! No one cares for me so I will care for myself. I am now my own partner trying to figure out how to please and love myself. I cry sometimes and at night just stare blank at the wall. I want a divorce, this is torture. Something needs to be done before my anger finds a dyck in her face and walking papers in her hand. She won't touch me even though I message and caress her every day. I am desirable as a few women have told me (and her). I've been hit on in front of her even, one girl asking me to merry her! Of course I shrug it and assure her she is the only one for me. But can't she see that I have plenty of options? She's 7 years older and I could have 10 years younger. It's like she's digging her own marital grave. I'm a very high sex type and have to relieve myself every day even when things were well. But I have never cheated, though she would disagree. I have no reason to lie here, I have not cheated. She loves to get personal attention and be serviced, but hell will freeze over before she services me or returns any attention. I'm a very very giving and appreciative lover. She's like a jerk guy or something. She should be gay and masculine I believe. Just sick of this. Many women out there would kill to be with me and I'm here with this!!

On first read, this article seemed like something I could use. It outlined a relationship that I could identify very clearly with. Then on the final page, it tells me to 'keep reading.' Reading what? The author's book? More articles that set out a situation, but don't really address it? After 3 years with no sex, and a scattered half dozen with virtually none, I'm looking for an actual answer. This article didn't have it. I share the work (we work opposing shifts to ensure we don't need to do day care, so we have fairly equal time with the kids), though she usually cooks (she's better) and I do most of the physical stuff (mowing, yardwork, garbage, etc.), we split laundry, and the kids do the dishes. Given that I'm the one that works at night, and still has to get up to get the kids to school by 7:30, if anyone has room to complain about being tired, it's me. If I did all the work, it wouldn't free her up for sex, it would free her up to do more projects, or find more stuff for me to do. She refuses to talk about sex, or really anything, until it gets to the point she's pissed at me, and she wants to argue. She seems disinterested, if not hostile to, 'date nights' or any other activity that would involve only the two of us. Frankly, she goes out of her way to avoid physical contact with me at all, unless it's a backrub for her. So, tell me where in this article I might useful information that hasn't been covered in every other article about dysfunctional relationships, and is still essentially useless to me? Therapy? Right. It's like pulling teeth to get her to go out to dinner. Combining 'talking about sex' with 'going somewhere alone with me' is a sure-fire way to get no sex for another year.

This article doesn't exactly relate to the name/headline. It answered none of my questions and left me more confused. "sex drives are different" where's the answer on that? Seems to me the writer really likes to talk about herself and summarize her "work". There is no insight into a sex-starved marriage or what to do when sex drives are different.

So.. I guess I need to get the book then? Where the rest of the article?

I'm a woman that feels very alone and unattractive. I have been married for a little over 5 years and haven't had sex in 3.8 years. It is good to know I'm really not alone in my situation but what am I to do if I have want a child of my own.

It helps to read about others who are experiencing the same anger and feelings of shame about not having a sex life. For women who want sex in a marriage and are with men who don't, it is especially difficult because it's not something we can talk about freely. Men can complain about no sex because it's a cultural norm. For women, it makes me feel freakish to want a normal sex life and be with a man who has absolutely no sex drive and not be able to talk about it with anyone. Like one person who wrote, I feel like I've wasted part of my life. I feel cheated. It's sad when you wish your husband would have an affair just to know that there's a sex drive in there somewhere.

I love my husband and he is a fabulous father and provider. He is one of my best friends, but the issue is that he thinks that because I am a wife and mother (we have four children. Ages 2 to 13) that I am this princess on a pedstal that is not supposed to be sullied by his base, animal needs! I am not supposed to like sex, or want sex, or want kinky sex! When we first started dating,it was so hot between us!! Now, I am his wife and a mother. His perception of me has changed. Anytime I suggest trying something new, he says he doesn't feel comfortable! It is so frustrating! We are married! We should explore with each other! I am glad that he respects me and loves me! I love him! We are only in our early thirties! He uses the fact that we have kids and work as excuses too. We should make our marriage a priority. How do I get him to see that I am not a saint? I am a woman and I have needs too. I want the fun back in our sex life!

Our libido really don't match any more. Married 40 years 30 of those years are without sex. And once you convince your self that sex isn't everything you'll be happy. Once our kids were through college and out of the house things settled down. We realized we spent all those years taking care of kids, and sex never entered the picture and I had ED and medical issues along with meds, I could of cared less for sex and still do. My wife still will occasionally get an urge for sex and she works it out by going to sleep. Our life has tuned out well no fighting.

In response to "Withheld"... what does a woman do when she feels as the man you described? Not only that but takes care of her body, attempts to dress up for her husband for fun (ex: sexy christmas outfit declined because he was too tired on holidays?) I just feel like there's no true interest on his part. I get so frustrated when he'll start touching me before bed or even in the morning.. even give a few humps as if he was signaling me..but if I touch him in return or try to kiss him more passionately he will pull away or blatently ask what are you doing? type of thing. I'm beginning to become less of a woman no matter how often he says I'm beautiful/sexy, smacks my butt etc... I've tried being submissive and also be the initiator...to only be turned down honest to god.. every time I don't know what else I can do.. I've lost so much confidence in myself and consume myself in depression and intrusive thoughts. Before we were married it was completely different...I could be the sexy little vixen I wanted to be...now...the once or twice a month he does want sex... he wants no soft music, no candles lit, barely any foreplay, minimal kissing etc...just gets on top and gets it done. This article is definitely right.. it's not just about the act of sex... it's the intimacy and the feeling of being wanted/desired/needed/romanced that I'm longing for... by the way we're in our early twenties and first year of marriage if it matters.

In response to "fed-up-woman". I'm sorry, but you are [mostly] wrong. Your first sentence reveals the error in your thinking. Marriage is not a "give-to-get" scenario. So if your husband is injured or gets sick, you'll just pull the plug because you're not "getting" any more? The problem is that too many men give/give/give and DON'T get. And men don't want "the perfect woman" -- they really want their wives. Think of it like diabetes -- he's got a sweet tooth, and all around him are donuts at work and the sweet shop on the way home, and the bakery on the corner with the fabulous smells and window displays. The thruth, though, is that any sugar he gets at home is actually healty for him. But he comes home and finds liver and onions... again. If you man really had diabetes, you'd immediately change your cooking ahbits without ever complaining, but when he suffers from a sexual equivalent -- when all he really wants is for you to put a TINY bit of effort into your home cooking -- he gets called selfish and a pig. He's not. He wants YOU, his wife. He does not want you to look like Claudia Schiffer. (Clue - they even make plus size lingerie) He just wants you to offer a little effort. Leave the freakin dishes in the sink for once. Burn the flannel pajamas (no, seriously, actually BURN them in the Weber in the back yard and primose never to buy any more). He does everything you ask of him, and you still can't find it reasonable to HELP him. One friend of my wife's actually admitted that with her drive, she wouldn't blame her husband if he had an affair... How sad is that? If he's a committed husband, he VOWED to faithful to you, and willingly submitted his sexual needs to you, with the expectation that you actually loved him enough to supply that need. He doesn't want to go elsewhere. Most guys I know are ALREADY doing more than their fair share, but it's never enough, and it NEVER translates into sex. But then he's the bad guy if he gets desperate enough to look somewhere else... I'm rambling, so I'll quit. He WANTS to talk to you about it, but you need to listen. Just because he wants more and better doesn't make him twisted or oversexed.

I honestly think, no sex in a relationship is a very hard thing. Some may not realize it at first but then, when you least expect it, it comes to nip it in the butt. Stress, family, and friends can be a huge factor to low sex. Also, there can be medical conditions or disabilities that can cause no sex or lack thereof. Most of the time, however, if there is nothing completely wrong with the relationship, no fighting,etc. There is something wrong actually. Getting too comfortable starts a routine to it all. And though men don't show it they do want intimacy on a spontaneous, adventurous level. Most women are fine with routine ways, but every now and then love a little spice as well. This is always the problem. Sometimes men don't feel the need to talk about it, while women do if it's the man who shows the lack of interest. In the end, on both ends, it makes he/she feel unloved, uncared for, unattractive, and can sink many people in a depression that's hard to get out of even if the other complies to sex every so often because they gave their consent verbally instead of physically. Also, if only one person is showing any initiative to have sex then that is also a problem since it starts a routine which after a while is annoying. In all, just talking about it doesn't always fix it. Sometimes, a vacation or fight, sparks the love once more.

I have been married for almost 10 years, early in our marriage it seamed like my wife just wasn't that in to sex. I will admit having waited and not had sex before marriage I in many ways got married because I wanted that to be part of the deal. Both of use had waited and we enjoyed getting things figured out. I am kind of a perfectionist and have worked until their are very few times when my wife doesn't get what she is looking for first and then I do. As we have had kids, the transition between her focus on me to focus on children has completely shifted. I understand that she is busy with the children. I work hard and support us with over a six figure income and she has never had to work from the moment we married. She says she enjoys this and has never mentioned that she doesn't enjoy being home with the kids. I work hard and do everything I can around the house. I don't come home and watch tv, i don't really like tv. I help with the dishes play with the kids on average I spend between 3- hours with each child every week one on one along with helping put them to sleep, help them become what they can become. I try to be romantic, flowers, listening to what her day has been like. I take her on dates almost every week at least 2 times a month at a minimum. I give her and our children attention. SO MAYBE YOU CAN TELL ME WHAT I AM DOING WRONG!!! We have 4 children - and I have left that up to her as she has wanted more, I love my kids and my wife but I am sexually starved - and have been for 9 years. I am a religious person and I don.t want to get a divorce. I couldn't do that to my kids and don't think I ever will. I am just frustrated because basically every-time I try to talk with her and she just gets sad or mad at me, gives me things to work on, which I do but nothing ever changes. I would like it at least 1 time a week she is like every 3 weeks and maybe I am just wanting to much. When we do its great I feel closer to her and its good but I still feel guilty because I seem to be the only person that wants it. I am a good looking guy in ok shape, I am not a body builder but I am not ugly. She says she is attracted to me but I honestly feel like I am the last person she thinks about. It seams I am the last priority, Kids, Her Parents, Me - Just not sure what I am doing wrong.

I completely understand. My husband and I have only been married since last december but have been together for nearly seven years. I lost my job in december right after the wedding and haven't had sex since. I find myself feeling depressed and undesirable and I have confronted my husband about it. He simply dismisses his lack of a sex drive as stress at work and b/c of our situation. I feel totally to blame and find myself thinking of other possibilities. I love my husband but lately he has been isolating himself from me and I don't know what to do.

I'm a younger reader at 27 then probably most but I've definitely been in the relationship where sex goes from being a key positive factor to something we fight over as it becomes manipulated and twisted. I read this article and it related a lot to how I've felt as I'm the one generally desiring the sexual contact and feeling a lot from the rejection. Your partner ignoring or rejecting you sexually is by far one of the most damaging and painful things to go through as it makes you feel like you did something wrong and you start to question everything about you and the relationship. Its very true like the article talks about that a partner that's not as interested is to the point that they don't care and it's unimportant to them thus dismissing your feelings even more. Women love to complain about how much men don't care about their feelings and we want sex too much. Get the clue their inter related, if you don't want us sexually why would I want to support you and listen to your needs when you ignore the core thing that defines a man?? Its not that we think with our penises it's that our emotions are tied to physical stimulus. You can tell me all day you love me but if you're not intimate with me I'm going to feel rejected and that will turn to anger till I don't care anymore thus neither side cares and end up breaking apart.

My wife never has been interested in sex, we didn't even have sex until almost 4 months after we were married. It has caused great difficulty in our marriage. When I try to talk about it she only gets defensive and makes me feel like a heel. When we do actually have sex I feel guilty, like I forced her to. Let me say without question, I would NEVER force her to do anything, but that is just how I feel. We have been married for 21 years now and I find myself thinking about divorce even though I think it's wrong. I just keep things to myself. not even my closest friend knows how I feel.

I am not married. Nor will I ever marry, by choice. It seems to me , that in todays rush of information families forget to take me time. That is the important part of ourselves we tend to over look. A break through out the day isnt a sin against the childen. When we take the time for ourselves we can find immediate centering. That break allows focus. As a single person for life , I see that couples are falling apart because not only are they ignoring the personal " me time " needed to take care of our selves , but each other as a pair of psychologically sound , happy sexually complete set of individuals. The sex doesnt only seem to be lacking but honest sincere communication seems to a serious delinquincy. I , myelf , refuse to settle for a superficial marriage. Not to say all are as such. But I can not take that chance. There being my own pitfall. My heart goes out to all the couples who have chosen marriage as a lifestyle.I wish you the best.

i'm a woman living in a marriage of sex deprivation. it is very sad. i find myself wondering if i'll ever have sex again since i feel my "sexual clock" is running out at the age of 51. will my husband ever desire sex? it's not likely. the very thought makes me extremely sad. i feel unattractive and undesireable. He says he wants to improve our sex-life, but tv or yard work or eating always seems to come first. my heart hurts.

Thank you for the article. It makes me feel less alone and somewhat normal. I can say I associate with a couple of men that are akin to the Mail order husband. Cleaning the bathroom as well as remodeling it. Changing the diaper as well as the furnace filter. Satisfying the mortgage and then some and satisfying the wife, when she allows. It builds anger and resentment. After a period of time we will all give up and go on to find it somewhere else or suffer in silence with the now understandable answer of 'Yes dear'. Remember, men are ego driven creatures, right or wrong just the way it is. Make him feel like king of the world for and hour and you will be his queen for the day.