The sex-starved marriage: When your libidos don't match

May 07, 2008 12:00 AM by Michele Weiner Davis

Posted in Love & Sex / Orgasms & Sexual Health / Sex Facts & Studies

The Sex-Starved Marriage

Many couples find themselves tangled in a troubling web when their sex drives are different, and it can wreck havoc on a marriage. Michele Weiner Davis, author of The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido - A Couple's Guide, shares some advice to put your marriage and your sex life on the right track!

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Sex-starved marriage?

Desire discrepancy spells t-r-o-u-b-l-e

It would be one thing if these lustless men and women were married to each other; they could agree to go off into the sunset, basking in platonic bliss. But as fate would have it, it rarely works that way. People with low sexual desire are generally married to partners who desperately yearn for more sexuality, intimacy, physical closeness, and connection. And this chasm between them -- a desire discrepancy -- spells trouble. How do I know?

I've been a marriage therapist for two decades. I've been privileged to hear the real stories of people's lives: the joys, the pain, the challenges, the payoffs. I've had a bird's-eye view of what truly happens to marriages in which one spouse has little or no desire for sex and the other yearns for it desperately. I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that a marriage void of sexuality and intimacy is a marriage doomed to fail. Take Debra and Tom, for example.

When I met Debra and Tom, they had been married for 10 years and had two sons, ages eight and five. They were strikingly handsome individuals, devoted parents, financially well off, in good health, and surrounded by loving and attentive friends and family. It's easy to understand why outsiders believed that they were the perfect couple. Yet despite all of this, their marriage was precipitously close to ending.

Debra spent much of our time together in counseling complaining about Tom. He was angry all the time and impatient with everyone in the family. His short-temper was poison to her soul. He snapped at her over the littlest things. He yelled at the kids "for just being kids." According to Debra, everyone always felt as if they were walking on eggshells. Debra also complained of Tom's lack of involvement at home. "He never seems to want to do anything as a couple or even as a family anymore. It's as if he's given up on our marriage," she said. "He never talks to me or even asks how my day was."

Tom had no shortage of negative things to report about their marriage either. He was quick to tell me that he didn't like being around Debra because all she ever did was complain. Whether he was completing a home improvement project or helping the kids with homework, Tom felt that Debra always found fault with him. Tom also talked about a deep disappointment in Debra as a companion. He wistfully recalled their early years of marriage: "She used to be fun to be with. She had a great sense of humor. She made me feel like I was the funniest man in the world. Now, everything is serious." And after a moment of silence he added, "We don't have anything in common anymore. She does her thing, and I do mine. At this point, I actually prefer it that way."

Making a breakthrough

We met for several sessions, and very little changed. I was unable to help Debra and Tom find their way out of the exasperating labyrinth of blame-versus-counterblame. They were both more intent on being right than finding solutions to their long-standing problems. Nonetheless, Debra and Tom still claimed that they wanted to stay together... though I could see that unless something drastic changed, they were headed for marital disaster. Confused, I asked the couple, "What's the glue holding the two of you together?" and Tom's response offered the first real inkling of what had been really troubling them and why they had been so stuck.

Tom's tone softened considerably as he spoke. "I've given this a lot of thought, and besides staying together for the sake of our boys, I think I'm still holding out hope that some day we'll be able to recreate some of the feelings we had earlier in our marriage." And Tom proceeded to describe what he saw as the progressive unraveling of their intimate relationship.

Tom said that when they first married, he was passionately in love with Debra and found her irresistibly attractive. Their sex life was wonderful -- they made love frequently, and he felt extremely close to her. His ability to satisfy Debra sexually made him feel good about himself as a lover and as her life partner. He recalled how their close sexual relationship reverberated throughout the rest of their marriage. They often snuggled on the couch while watching television, held hands when they walked, and kissed each other affectionately. He loved their time together. Tom felt that Debra was his best friend. All that changed after the birth of their first child.

Debra became extremely focused on her new role as mother, and when she wasn't caring for their baby, she felt fatigued. Sleep, not sex, was the only thing Debra found herself craving. Tom's need for companionship and intimacy was not one of Debra's top priorities. In fact, to hear Tom tell it, his needs were not a consideration for Debra at all.

Initially, he spoke to Debra about his hurt with this change in their lives. He told her that he didn't feel important anymore. He wondered why she wasn't into sex. He kept asking, "What's wrong? Did I do something wrong? Aren't you attracted to me anymore?" But because Debra was sleep deprived, hormonally altered, and overworked, she found herself having little compassion for her husband's feelings. In fact, she commented, "I couldn't believe he was complaining. I had so much to do with very little help from him. I felt like I had two babies, not one. It just seemed like he was jealous of our child, and I found that unfathomable. I never thought the man I married would be so selfish. After a day of taking care of our son's physical needs, the last thing I felt like doing was having one more person's needs to think about. I needed to think about me."

As the years passed, Debra's repeated rejections of her husband's advances hurt and angered Tom, and as a result, he stopped investing energy in their marriage. He focused on himself, his work, and his friends. And the more he distanced himself, the less inclined Debra felt to touch or kiss Tom, let alone have sex with him. "After all," she told herself, "why should I have sex when I don't feel close to him at all?" Now their infrequent sexual encounters, too often tainted by feelings of resentment and hurt, left them both feeling empty.

Finally their incessant blaming, their lack of empathy for each other's feelings, and their cold, inflexible body language that permeated our sessions made complete sense. Their marriage had become sex starved.

If you're asking yourself, "Now what does that mean?" I can see why. After all, the phrase, sex starved typically refers to a person, not a relationship. Sex-starved people are generally thought of in one of two ways: they're either so highly sexed that sexual satisfaction is a moving target, or they're people who, for a variety of reasons, haven't had sex in a such a long time that they're obsessed with it. But a sex-starved marriage is different.

On the next page: Why sex is important, How's your libido?

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Comments on "The sex-starved marriage: When your libidos don't match"

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Take it from a 62 yr young starved man whose wife, after 35+ years of marriage, admits that our libidos are mis matched. She's a very busy and extremely over-worked school teacher. Coming close to summer break I lay it all on the table: either you get yourself a female doctor you're comfortable with to discuss this, or we get counseling, or I'm not sure what...but something. You younger folks....fix it now...fix it now...fix it now! It won't fix itself over time...I guarantee it.

This is exactly how my relationship is. I am the deprived one and my Fiancee is the one holding out. I constantly find myself unhappy and ready to snap over the littlest things, I find myself angry with him, and hurt at the same time. We haven't had for almost a month now, and every time I bring it up, every time I try to communicate with him about how our less relationship makes me feel I get snide remarks such as, "you're just a addict, you should get help" "everything is about with you" "you only care about " and many other comments along those lines. Many times I leave well enough alone, but I try to get to the root of it ( we used to have multiple times a week, the last year or so I'm lucky to have it once a month, and I have to do most of the work, I have to give 20 minutes + of oral ( which never gets returned ) to receive 3 minutes of intercourse. ) And he always has a different reason, "I'm sore from working out" "I'm tired" "I'm just not in the mood" And most of the time, if I try to initiate it, I get yelled at, pushed off, rejected, and it hurts. I love this man, I wanted to marry him, I still want to marry him, but I can't imagine being this deprived for the rest of my life.

My husband and I are newyleweds and this was a issue even before we got married. I have to say, it's all my fault, it's me with the issue. Everything in this article is exactly how it is for us and I have no one to blame but myself. To read all these comments about other husbands/wives who are depressed for the lack of in their marriage, I feel horrible. I really can't give an insight on the other side of the spectrum as to why I have a lack of intimacy? When we first met there was a lot of , it wasn't a problem. I think I just settled into life and just got lazy. I'm very attractive to my husband, he is very loving to me and is a very good man but for what ever reason when it comes down to having , I get plain lazy. I just need to stop being selfish and think about him too. I've been wondering why he isn't as affectionate with me as he was in the beginning and I can't help but wonder if it's because of the lack of intimicay on my part. I will do my best to stop being this way and give my husband what he deserves...a healthy life...because he deserves it.

I've read this article a couple of times now to try and steel myself on what my husband and I need to do to fix our problems. Yet, with our multiple conversations about how deprived I feel, we have made little to no progress at all. When our relationship first started in 2008, I didn't realize his libido was lower than mine. We were in a long distance relationship and we only saw each other on weekends, so we had every time we were together and multiple times. It was great!!! We fell in love and I couldn't have been happier. Less than a year in to our relationship, he deployed to Afghanistan for about 5-6 months. We handled it well, but when he came back (and no, he did not see combat), his libido was completely gone. I mean non-existent. I went to stay with him over my winter break from school and we didn't sleep together once. This wasn't like us at all, but I remembered that soldiers transitioning back to life state-side often have trouble getting back into the swing of things, so I was patient with him and told him I understood. To this day, however, even with moving in together, getting married, PCS'ing together (that's military for getting moved around) and establishing a life together, the department still hasn't budged. We still have , but I'm lucky if it's once a week. Sometimes, it's once a month. My husband doesn't understand how incredibly painful it is to not be with him. It's even more painful when he NEVER initiates contact with me. I have to tell him. I don't want to have to coach my husband to show me affection, to touch me, to be playful with me, to be intimate with me... He should want to do that, right? He is well aware of the problem and I feel sympathy for him since addressing the issue has often made him question why his libido is so low. Me talking to him about him makes him upset, and I know it's because he feels guilty and doubts his masculinity. I don't doubt his masculinity at all. I love my husband dearly and want to be with him for forever. But I just don't know what to do to make him do the work that we need to do to fix this problem before it really drives us apart.

What is there to say? The article hits the nail on the head with its descriptions of marriages like mine -- my wife only makes love to me under pressure and everything is mechanical and without passion. This article is a huge disappointment because the author clearly wants to sell books, not help tens of thousands of people. Thanks for nothing Michele. Best of luck to all the other troubled readers.

To say my marriage is starved is an understatment. I hadn't had for over 40 years. Been married 45 years, the only time when we had was our wedding night and maybe once after that. My husband never really lived with me, he set up house keeping in our basement the day after our wedding night. We haven't talked in months, and when we do its grunts and groans from him. He worked nights all his life, I've never been on vacaation with him, he always cancelled it and never had a weekend together in all this time. We have no kids, and I'm kind of thankful for that. Been miserable and depressed all these years, also I've learned that I wasn't going to get any , intimacy or love.

My wife of 17 years stopped having desire for more than 5 years ago. It's down to about 10 times a year now. I've lost all desire to put anything into the marriage now and walk around like a zombie yearning for death. I even find it difficult to masturbate now I'm so depressed. Kids are grown and out now. We make good money both working from home. No problems or worries, other than the typical life stuff. She's always too tired, so she says. I work two jobs and help out around the house. We go on trips and casinos and dine out nicely. But still no . We have talked at length trying to figure it out and I told her what I need (basically once or twice a week please). She can't seem to pin point her problem ("I think I'm just tired all the time"). I think is the last thing from her mind, ever. She/we love each other very much and we hold hands like clock work. We'll snuggle at the TV but the fizz runs out before we get to the bedroom, every time. I try to continue but she just pushes me away and says she's tired, every time. I take good care of myself, physically fit and well groomed. She's added a little weight but I tell her how hot she is all the time, she is pretty and has hot legs and a$$, I want her, I really do want her. Now I'm so frustrated I've started walking around the house naked. Who cares! No one cares for me so I will care for myself. I am now my own partner trying to figure out how to please and love myself. I cry sometimes and at night just stare blank at the wall. I want a divorce, this is torture. Something needs to be done before my anger finds a dyck in her face and walking papers in her hand. She won't touch me even though I message and caress her every day. I am desirable as a few women have told me (and her). I've been hit on in front of her even, one girl asking me to merry her! Of course I shrug it and assure her she is the only one for me. But can't she see that I have plenty of options? She's 7 years older and I could have 10 years younger. It's like she's digging her own marital grave. I'm a very high type and have to relieve myself every day even when things were well. But I have never cheated, though she would disagree. I have no reason to lie here, I have not cheated. She loves to get personal attention and be serviced, but hell will freeze over before she services me or returns any attention. I'm a very very giving and appreciative lover. She's like a jerk guy or something. She should be and masculine I believe. Just sick of this. Many women out there would kill to be with me and I'm here with this!!

On first read, this article seemed like something I could use. It outlined a relationship that I could identify very clearly with. Then on the final page, it tells me to 'keep reading.' Reading what? The author's book? More articles that set out a situation, but don't really address it? After 3 years with no , and a scattered half dozen with virtually none, I'm looking for an actual answer. This article didn't have it. I share the work (we work opposing shifts to ensure we don't need to do day care, so we have fairly equal time with the kids), though she usually cooks (she's better) and I do most of the physical stuff (mowing, yardwork, garbage, etc.), we split laundry, and the kids do the dishes. Given that I'm the one that works at night, and still has to get up to get the kids to school by 7:30, if anyone has room to complain about being tired, it's me. If I did all the work, it wouldn't free her up for , it would free her up to do more projects, or find more stuff for me to do. She refuses to talk about , or really anything, until it gets to the point she's pissed at me, and she wants to argue. She seems disinterested, if not hostile to, 'date nights' or any other activity that would involve only the two of us. Frankly, she goes out of her way to avoid physical contact with me at all, unless it's a backrub for her. So, tell me where in this article I might useful information that hasn't been covered in every other article about dysfunctional relationships, and is still essentially useless to me? Therapy? Right. It's like pulling teeth to get her to go out to dinner. Combining 'talking about ' with 'going somewhere alone with me' is a sure-fire way to get no for another year.

This article doesn't exactly relate to the name/headline. It answered none of my questions and left me more confused. " drives are different" where's the answer on that? Seems to me the writer really likes to talk about herself and summarize her "work". There is no insight into a -starved marriage or what to do when drives are different.

So.. I guess I need to get the book then? Where the rest of the article?

I'm a woman that feels very alone and unattractive. I have been married for a little over 5 years and haven't had in 3.8 years. It is good to know I'm really not alone in my situation but what am I to do if I have want a child of my own.

It helps to read about others who are experiencing the same anger and feelings of shame about not having a life. For women who want in a marriage and are with men who don't, it is especially difficult because it's not something we can talk about freely. Men can complain about no because it's a cultural norm. For women, it makes me feel freakish to want a normal life and be with a man who has absolutely no drive and not be able to talk about it with anyone. Like one person who wrote, I feel like I've wasted part of my life. I feel cheated. It's sad when you wish your husband would have an affair just to know that there's a drive in there somewhere.

I love my husband and he is a fabulous father and provider. He is one of my best friends, but the issue is that he thinks that because I am a wife and mother (we have four children. Ages 2 to 13) that I am this princess on a pedstal that is not supposed to be sullied by his base, animal needs! I am not supposed to like , or want , or want kinky ! When we first started dating,it was so hot between us!! Now, I am his wife and a mother. His perception of me has changed. Anytime I suggest trying something new, he says he doesn't feel comfortable! It is so frustrating! We are married! We should explore with each other! I am glad that he respects me and loves me! I love him! We are only in our early thirties! He uses the fact that we have kids and work as excuses too. We should make our marriage a priority. How do I get him to see that I am not a saint? I am a woman and I have needs too. I want the fun back in our life!

Our libido really don't match any more. Married 40 years 30 of those years are without . And once you convince your self that isn't everything you'll be happy. Once our kids were through college and out of the house things settled down. We realized we spent all those years taking care of kids, and never entered the picture and I had ED and medical issues along with meds, I could of cared less for and still do. My wife still will occasionally get an urge for and she works it out by going to sleep. Our life has tuned out well no fighting.

In response to "Withheld"... what does a woman do when she feels as the man you described? Not only that but takes care of her body, attempts to dress up for her husband for fun (ex: y christmas outfit declined because he was too tired on holidays?) I just feel like there's no true interest on his part. I get so frustrated when he'll start touching me before bed or even in the morning.. even give a few humps as if he was signaling me..but if I touch him in return or try to kiss him more passionately he will pull away or blatently ask what are you doing? type of thing. I'm beginning to become less of a woman no matter how often he says I'm beautiful/y, smacks my butt etc... I've tried being submissive and also be the initiator...to only be turned down honest to god.. every time I don't know what else I can do.. I've lost so much confidence in myself and consume myself in depression and intrusive thoughts. Before we were married it was completely different...I could be the y little vixen I wanted to be...now...the once or twice a month he does want ... he wants no soft music, no candles lit, barely any foreplay, minimal kissing etc...just gets on top and gets it done. This article is definitely right.. it's not just about the act of ... it's the intimacy and the feeling of being wanted/desired/needed/romanced that I'm longing for... by the way we're in our early twenties and first year of marriage if it matters.

In response to "fed-up-woman". I'm sorry, but you are [mostly] wrong. Your first sentence reveals the error in your thinking. Marriage is not a "give-to-get" scenario. So if your husband is injured or gets sick, you'll just pull the plug because you're not "getting" any more? The problem is that too many men give/give/give and DON'T get. And men don't want "the perfect woman" -- they really want their wives. Think of it like diabetes -- he's got a sweet tooth, and all around him are donuts at work and the sweet shop on the way home, and the bakery on the corner with the fabulous smells and window displays. The thruth, though, is that any sugar he gets at home is actually healty for him. But he comes home and finds liver and onions... again. If you man really had diabetes, you'd immediately change your cooking ahbits without ever complaining, but when he suffers from a ual equivalent -- when all he really wants is for you to put a TINY bit of effort into your home cooking -- he gets called selfish and a pig. He's not. He wants YOU, his wife. He does not want you to look like Claudia Schiffer. (Clue - they even make plus size lingerie) He just wants you to offer a little effort. Leave the freakin dishes in the sink for once. Burn the flannel pajamas (no, seriously, actually BURN them in the Weber in the back yard and primose never to buy any more). He does everything you ask of him, and you still can't find it reasonable to HELP him. One friend of my wife's actually admitted that with her drive, she wouldn't blame her husband if he had an affair... How sad is that? If he's a committed husband, he VOWED to faithful to you, and willingly submitted his ual needs to you, with the expectation that you actually loved him enough to supply that need. He doesn't want to go elsewhere. Most guys I know are ALREADY doing more than their fair share, but it's never enough, and it NEVER translates into . But then he's the bad guy if he gets desperate enough to look somewhere else... I'm rambling, so I'll quit. He WANTS to talk to you about it, but you need to listen. Just because he wants more and better doesn't make him twisted or overed.

I honestly think, no in a relationship is a very hard thing. Some may not realize it at first but then, when you least expect it, it comes to nip it in the butt. Stress, family, and friends can be a huge factor to low . Also, there can be medical conditions or disabilities that can cause no or lack thereof. Most of the time, however, if there is nothing completely wrong with the relationship, no fighting,etc. There is something wrong actually. Getting too comfortable starts a routine to it all. And though men don't show it they do want intimacy on a spontaneous, adventurous level. Most women are fine with routine ways, but every now and then love a little spice as well. This is always the problem. Sometimes men don't feel the need to talk about it, while women do if it's the man who shows the lack of interest. In the end, on both ends, it makes he/she feel unloved, uncared for, unattractive, and can sink many people in a depression that's hard to get out of even if the other complies to every so often because they gave their consent verbally instead of physically. Also, if only one person is showing any initiative to have then that is also a problem since it starts a routine which after a while is annoying. In all, just talking about it doesn't always fix it. Sometimes, a vacation or fight, sparks the love once more.

I have been married for almost 10 years, early in our marriage it seamed like my wife just wasn't that in to . I will admit having waited and not had before marriage I in many ways got married because I wanted that to be part of the deal. Both of use had waited and we enjoyed getting things figured out. I am kind of a perfectionist and have worked until their are very few times when my wife doesn't get what she is looking for first and then I do. As we have had kids, the transition between her focus on me to focus on children has completely shifted. I understand that she is busy with the children. I work hard and support us with over a six figure income and she has never had to work from the moment we married. She says she enjoys this and has never mentioned that she doesn't enjoy being home with the kids. I work hard and do everything I can around the house. I don't come home and watch tv, i don't really like tv. I help with the dishes play with the kids on average I spend between 3- hours with each child every week one on one along with helping put them to sleep, help them become what they can become. I try to be romantic, flowers, listening to what her day has been like. I take her on dates almost every week at least 2 times a month at a minimum. I give her and our children attention. SO MAYBE YOU CAN TELL ME WHAT I AM DOING WRONG!!! We have 4 children - and I have left that up to her as she has wanted more, I love my kids and my wife but I am ually starved - and have been for 9 years. I am a religious person and I don.t want to get a divorce. I couldn't do that to my kids and don't think I ever will. I am just frustrated because basically every-time I try to talk with her and she just gets sad or mad at me, gives me things to work on, which I do but nothing ever changes. I would like it at least 1 time a week she is like every 3 weeks and maybe I am just wanting to much. When we do its great I feel closer to her and its good but I still feel guilty because I seem to be the only person that wants it. I am a good looking guy in ok shape, I am not a body builder but I am not ugly. She says she is attracted to me but I honestly feel like I am the last person she thinks about. It seams I am the last priority, Kids, Her Parents, Me - Just not sure what I am doing wrong.

I completely understand. My husband and I have only been married since last december but have been together for nearly seven years. I lost my job in december right after the wedding and haven't had since. I find myself feeling depressed and undesirable and I have confronted my husband about it. He simply dismisses his lack of a drive as stress at work and b/c of our situation. I feel totally to blame and find myself thinking of other possibilities. I love my husband but lately he has been isolating himself from me and I don't know what to do.

Revolving

The sex-starved marriage: When your libidos don't match